CLOTHING IN A BUSINESS ENVIRONMENT

Let's talk about clothing in specifically in the business environment.

Let's start with flip flops. Ladies, there are some places that call for an actual shoe (sole, heel, toes covered, etc). Unless you're a life guard at a beach or pool, I can't think of another place of business where flip flops should be worn. If you're out on farm picking oranges, wear flip flops all you want but you certainly take the risk of snake bites. The sound they make is their biggest irritant. That "pap pap pap" sound they make against the heel of the wearer is extremely distracting in a business environment and they look terrible in my opinion. At the risk of plagiarizing a couple of news articles I read recently, it's as though someone "almost" got dressed before leaving home. This is especially true when paired with traditional business attire. I don't care how fancy the flip flop appears. They can be made by DKNY for all I care. It's still a nasty foot exposing, loud flip flop. I'll allow (oh yes, I did say "allow"!) them to be worn in a small office if your co-workers don't mind. But if the office has more than 3 people, I can't allow them to be worn. Also, I've encountered several females who think people want to see their feet. Newsflash, I don't like feet. I don't care how well they're pedicured. They're feet. You don't do anything with them besides walk so why would do you consider them to be so special? I've had female coworkers bring up the subject of their feet for no apparent reason other than to make an opportunity for them to be seen. Example...

Me: "Hey, we're ordering lunch from the Thai place down the street. Do you want anything?"
Female Coworker: "No thanks. I brought my lunch".
Me: "Ok".
FC: "I like Thai though". (before I can leave she says...) "I really think I need a pedicure" and then she takes a foot out of its shoe and wiggles her toes. I refuse to look but I can tell what's happening through peripheral vision.
Me: (Blank stare directly at her face) "So?"

I must be an island to myself because in my current place of employment, flip flops are being worn as if that's THE required foot apparel. It's annoying and with some of these ladies, it's quite disgusting. As an aside, a former buddy of mine once told me that he was on a first date with a female who said to him verbatim "see my cute feet?". If I'm not mistaken, his reply was "naw dawg, that's aight".

Now let's talk about clothing above the foot. 99.98912% of men in their place of employment wear shoes, socks, pants, usually long sleeve shirts if not jackets and ties. If a tie isn't required, then the shirt is buttoned up to the second button from the top and underneath is usually a t-shirt. So what skin do you see on a male at work? If he's wearing a short sleeve shirt, you see his forearms. Other than that, you see his hands and his face. What about females? I see tank tops, skirts (below and above the knee), spaghetti straps (what?), tube tops (excuse me?) and those gawd-awful flip flops and open toed shoes. If I owned my own business, my blanket policy would be you cover up as much skin as possible. I don't want to see arms above the elbows, shoulders, cleavage, ankles, legs, thighs nor feet. With hard bottomed shoes being the exception, I hate noisy clothes. The flip flop "pap pap"? Don't test me. The "schwish schwish" of bell bottom jeans? Don't get yourself hurt. If your shirt is making a "whoosh whoosh" sound under the arms, loose some weight.

Clothes that are too tight on either gender is unacceptable but this is especially true for men. Gentlemen, those polo shirts you've had since college graduation? Guess what, you can't fit them any longer. Notice I didn't say "THEY don't fit YOU any longer". The reason? It's not the shirt's fault that you've gotten bigger. People aren't fools. Those aren't muscles bulging under the shirts. You don't look sexy. You look stupid. Those dress shirts whose collars are now 1/2 to 1 size to small causing all of the blood in your body to be trapped in your head? They can now be used to dust your furniture. I don't have a problem with you being fat but for goodness sakes, wear clothes that fit properly. Come of the river known as "denial". Those pants where the legs no longer extend past the ankle (a.k.a. highwaters)? They are to be tossed. Don't even give them to charity. Gentlemen, choose your color (and I emphasize YOUR color) wisely. If you look sickly in yellow, that's a color you can't wear. If you look like a strawberry dipped marshmellow in pink, that's a color you can't wear. Stick with neutral colors. If your sweaters are full of fuzz balls, have them defuzzed or they are to be tossed. And stop wearing those sweaters with 1000 colors and designs. Those aren't something that all men can wear. This isn't the '80s and you aren't Bill Cosby.

***special thanks to Tommy for coming up with this! Hilarious! Vent on!! I LOVE it!***