This is why I'm hot

Judy Jetson(JJ): Good Afternoon this is *******
Spidey Dolt(SD): (Thick accent) Good Afternoon. May I speak with Judy Jetson?
JJ: This is she.
SD: Ohhhh...JuuuDy!!! Happppy New Year!
JJ: *puzzled silence followed by* Happy new year to you too.
SD: ARE YOU STILL ACCEPTING NEW YEARS GREETINGS IN MAY FROM YOUR BRODA?
JJ: **silently contemplating suicide..or homicide...or suicide..or...homicide...or suici....**
SD: Oh! Look at you. You don't even know who this is (ohh you bet your annoying a$$ I do!) This is Spidey Dolt!
JJ: Hello Spidey (feigning the slightest hint of amusement)
SD: Hello Judy. Can I ask you a question?
JJ: (You already did!!!!) Sure what's up?
SD: If I took money out of my 401k....
JJ:Oh that would have to be handled at corporate through our benefits department.
SD: Oh. Yes. You told me that the last time I called. Is it still *****?
JJ: Yes.
SD: Is her number still 111-222-3334
JJ: (Hmm..Let me see. You called about this 3 months ago, I told you to call the same benefits department and gave you the same name. Do you effin see a pattern her?) Sure. Yes. Her number is 111-222-3334 (Four the upteenth time you mo-fo!)
SD: Ohh. OK. Thank you Judy.
JJ: You're welcome. Have a great afternoon.

Who is Spidey Dolt you ask??? THE DEVIL PLAYING PRANKS!

Typical day in Hedes

I got a call from one of my clients asking about my company’s (Satans Kitchen) hiring procedures because he had a foreign contractor he wanted to add to his staff. So I sent the email below.
Hi Big Boss Man,
Attached is the ___ form as promised. On page three of the form isthe list of acceptable documents. Contractors either need to have one form of ID from list A or two forms of ID one from list B and one from list C. I hope that helps. Please let me know if you have any further questions.
Thank you,
Peee Ayye!

So he forwards the email to the candidate along with the msg:

Hi El- Stupido,
Per our discussion. Please contact Pee Ayye at Satans Kitchen if you require additional information.
Regards,

Big Boss Man

El-Stupido then takes her cue and sends me the email below:

Hello Peee Ayye,
I am have been working for ***** for 9 years, training for 5 of thoseyears(STOP! please hold while I polish your Oscar) and will be working as a private training consultant in August. I am not sure how much Big Boss Man has told you about me and future opportunities training with satans kitchen?Can you help me understand the process?
Regards,

El- Stupido

At this point I’m thinking..WTF?

Hi El- Stupendous,
Mr Big Boss Man didn't tell me much about you. He had asked me what documentation weneeded in order to hire someone who wasn't a citizen on our payroll.I had sent him the __ form (attached). Please review page 3 of the __ form.It shows all the necessary documentation. You either need one from List A ora combination of one ID from list B and another from list C. If you have anyfurther questions, please give me a call.
Thank you,

Peee Ayye

I thought all was clear and rainbows were starting to form in my skys when I got this:

Hello Peee Ayye,
What is the process you have gone though in the past when hiring anyone from **** or any other country outside of ***? In regard to the attached form, this does not help me understand the process asI am a ***** citizen and therefore do not have the documents mentioned.Any insight would be helpful.
Thank you,
El- Stupido.

How many different ways can I explain to El- Stupendous that it is what it is…I need is what I need? If you don’t have the documents then that means you need to get them…..simple..In my opinion(and a rather humble one by the way) I was very clear…. WAS I FREAKING NOT? People like her make satans kitchen is what it is!

You know you're having a bad day when.....

I was at the airport last night waiting for my one-and-only's delayed flight so I decided to make a restroom stop.

Everyone left and I was alone in the restroom.As I was washing my hands over the sink a custodian/janitor/maintenance engineer comes in. She looks about 38-43(you know the tough age for women when you aren't a fossil but you are so close to being one you might as well be?), bad stringy hair..just having a rough time basically. The minute she walks in she exclaims: "why is it so hard for you trick mutha****** to keep a bathroom clean? DAMN! DAMN! I just cleaned this bathroom" Pause while walking around "You mutha***** can't clean up after yourselves!"

Meanwhile, a 55year old woman walks in talking on her cell phone followed by her mother(im assuming) who was so old she needed a walker to get around...The custodian looks at her and goes "there they go, trick a$$ mutha****** walking in here talking on they damned cell phones! mmmm hmmmm!" as the 55year old walked past her and her mother was walking a lot slower (DUH!) and in the way of the custodian who was on her way out she goes "YEAH! Trick a$$ mutha***** taking your sweet damned time like I aint got sh!t to do!" (I swear..I'm not even kidding) Then she walks out mumbling all sorts of curses and when she's outside the door I hear her say "......making me work extra...... Lord help me 4 I kill somebody! Trick a$$ mutha******" and she walks back into the bathroom with her big cart walks into the first stall and goes "THEY ALREADY DONE FINISHED THE TOILET PAPER! DAMN THESE TRICK A&& MUTHA*****!" at which point I sprinted out of the bathroom in tears because I couldn't hold the laughter in any longer... I was really scared of her but at the same time I couldn't believe her tantrum..... I mean she must have known we could CLEARLY hear her......WHO DOES THAT?

Gee, I wonder what kind of day she was having....

Vivid narrative

Some perv wrote the article below for Mens style magazine about Justin Timberlake...I mean is it even about Justin Timberlake?

http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_5474

Too Tacky to be true

I was doing my usual browsing through my favorite blogs when I came across the above pictures!! Oh my goodness! Luckily I had a barf bag close to me.

For more pictures from this classy and tasteful wedding, check out The Trixies page. What's the difference between being classy and being tacky anyway?

You get an E for Effort!

PA: Good Morning, this is *******
None Other Than(NOT): Hey PA it’s NOT. I didn’t get my check yesterday so I missed my hair appointment and now they don’t have another hair appointment available for a whole week. But that’s not your fault(No $h!t). I think it’s because Monday was a holiday(presidents day).
PA: The system shows that your check was mailed out on Tuesday as it they normally are.
NOT: Yeah. I figured as much. It’ll probably be in the mail today.
PA: Yes. Hopefully.
NOT: All right. That’s all. Thank you.
PA: You’re welcome.

*** Somehow, I think that whole phone conversation could have been avoided! and telling me about your hair appointment doesn't make the situation any more serious in my mind. This woman is driving me crazy. How can one person be so needy?****

glass ceiling

For some reason, women make up about 70% to 80% of my entire company. It might have something to do with the whole Womens Business something something that we are part of, but pretty much everyone I know is female. Especially at corporate.

Most if not all these females are total bitches! They are the most inconsiderate, emotional and moody fuckers I've ever had to deal with. Granted I've never met any of them since I come from a small branch and there are 35branches all over the country, but I still get to correspond with them through email and whatnot and I have to say...ITS NOT FUN.

I hate all of them. Bitches!

Working for this company makes me realise why there is a glass ceiling concept and that coming from a woman is a SAD thing. But too many women in the work place definately spoil the broth.

Everyone is trying to proove just how important they are. Everyone is such a princess and they think that everyone elses lives revolves around them...but guess what bitches? IT DOESNT.

My advise to these bitches is GROW. THA.FUCK.UP!

I cant say that I hate you....

Dictionary.com defines the word idiot as:

Main Entry: idiot
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: stupid
Synonyms: ass, blockhead, boob, booby, cretin, dimwit, donkey, dork, dumb ox, dumbbell, dunce, dunderhead, fool, halfwit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, jerk, kook*, meathead, mental defective, moron, nincompoop, ninny*, nitwit, pinhead*, pointy head, simpleton, stupid, tomfool, twit*, yo-yo
Antonyms: genius, intellectual
Notes: an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years

I really had NO idea! Who’s the idiot now? Using words I don’t understand…

Anyway…reason I was looking it up was…I had the following conversation 2 minutes ago

Nincompoop (otherwise known as Anns-new-self-annointed-mngr/contractor) calls and says: Hey is Ann there?

Me: No. She’s out to lunch. Would you like her voicemail?

Nincompoop: No. I just wanted to tell her that I’m leaving at 3pm (mind you she already told Ann that this morning).

Me: Ok. Sure. I’ll let her know.

Nincompoop: Also, can you fax me a timecard?

Me: (rolling my eyes cuz I hate it when they do this..but ok with it because she doesn’t abuse me with this all the time anyway…) Sure. Whats your fax number

Nincompoop: *as if to add salt to injury, Lets out a long drawn out groan…like uggghhhh!* You don’t have it?

Me: Nope!

Nincompoop: *Uggghhhhh!* Ok. Fine. Let me call you back!

Me: Ok.

Some people are too stupid to hate.

Crack is whack!

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Effin Ipod

I had a quick question about my ipod so I decided to call the store closest to me to see if I could get some assistance.

After going through literally 5 different menu’s I end up with:

Ben: Technical support this is Ben, how may I help you?

ME: Hi there, I got a new Ipod to replace my current one and was wondering weather you guys would be able to transfer all the songs on my current ipod to the new one.

Ben: I’m not sure about that.(and you are in Technical Support?) for that you would have to call a store and see if they can help you.

ME: I dialed the store and ended up with you!

Ben: Try again and this time on the menu pick the “other” option and you’ll get the store.

ME: Thank you.

Another phone call and two menus later

Idiotus Maximus(IM): Thank you for calling the apple store at **** mall, how may I help you?

ME: Hi Idiotus Maximus, I got a new Ipod to replace my current one and was wondering weather you guys would be able to transfer all the songs on my current ipod to the new one.

IM: Well, we are not able to do that here. But you could maybe find something on google to assist you with that.

ME: But you are the apple store. Your company created this product. If you guys don’t know how to do it, how would I find it on google?

IM: Well (2nd “well” in this conversation. So much for customer service!) Apple does not have software that supports that. Maybe if you had a computer that could support that…

ME: I tried transferring the songs from my ipod to my itunes library but it wouldn’t let me.

IM: Right. Because itunes does not support the transferring of songs from the ipod unless you stored them on your ipod as data files and not as songs but then that would take up more space and you wouldn’t be able to listen to the songs (so why would I get an ipod to use as a hard drive if I can’t listen to the songs?) because you would be using the ipod as a hard-drive

ME: How is it, that when I buy a new cell phone, I can go to the t-mobile store and have them transfer all the info(address book etc) from one phone to another but apple can’t figure out a way to transfer all my songs from one ipod to another?

IM: I DON’T KNOW!

ME: I thought so. No one seems to know anything. Thank you.

Oh my goodness they are ridiculous!

Articulation

Don’t you just LOVE it when you say something to someone then they tell it to you more articulately and act like they are teaching you something…worse yet, you are too busy to say anything so you just go…oooohhh and pretend you’ve been schooled?

Case in point:

Me: Yeah. I wanted to go see Borat.
T: Booorrraatt( FRAT BOY!), yeah. You know I saw a picture of that dude and he looks pretty normal??
Me: Yeah. I know..Remember he used to be Ali G?
T: He still is. The show is still going on on HBO
Me: Really he still is? I didn’t know that
T: Yeah. Actually, he’s not Ali G. Ali G is a character he plays and Borat is another character played by the same actor.
ME: (Say it with me) Ooooohhh!


*gritting my teeth*

Kramer f@cked up in a MAJOR Way

This rascist bigot said some really offensive shit and came on letterman last night to apologize and try to explain his actions. Click here to read the full "apology".

Yes. In some alternate universe this is supposed to make sense!

Coathanger/mixer

To use for your wardrobe, and for the extreme necessities in your kitchen!

This item actually exists for sale on this website at18.50 Euro’s a piece,


Incase you want to give a practical gift this Christmas.

Elections? What Elections? Britney Spears just filed for divorce

SHES BRINGING SEXY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. There is a God out there and he has been listening..there were rumors that since she wanted two children she was going to let K-FED father them then leave his ass and I didn't quite believe it..but...ITS TRUE!

She's free..shes freeee...shes freee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just about the happiest day of the year for me. I wasn't a Britney fan until she started going down the drain(after marrying federjerk)...I didn't know what I had until it was gone...now...I'm all about Britneys comeback...

Awww...poor fed-ex! Maybe Shar Jackson will take him back...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hate of the day

I hate the word "Palate" because it's mostly used by pretentious people in pretentious situations!

Bowl of water

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

CEILING MURAL

This is the ceiling mural at a smokers lounge...Funny....

Dark nail polish is my achilles hill

So after watching the suckfest, I went home and decided to try out my new OPI lincoln after dark nail polish ..one of the most sort after colors of this fall season(thank you trixie. you do right by your fellow fashion whores). This stuff is selling out before it hits the shelves. I've had it for a few wks but hadn't gotten the time to paint my nails...dark nail polishes take so much more work than lighter ones. In light of that little fact I decided to watch one of those movies that lasted 2wks on big screen. Phat girls. WRONG MOVE. I thought marie suckanette was horrible, this was worse. Unlike the suckfest though, this movie had a plot...a really cliche boring one but a plot nontheless. It's about this two hundred plus pounder who has dreams of designing clothes for her fellow heavy weights ...only she couldn't find anyone to finance her dream. Somehow, she ends up winning a trip to a fancy luxury resort which she and her two friends drove to in a Chrysler Sebring (I blogged about them before) and she meets this Rich Nigerian Dr who is attracted to her because " In Nigeria a womans largeness depicts a higher social standing" (This is sadly true but only in remote villages)...anyway..i fell asleep somewhere around that because next thing I know it's 3am and the DVD menu is playing and I have nail polish smudged on my palms (please tell me how) and my nail polish had all these different textures….

UGH! Hate my life!

So it’s 3 am, I had to wake up, take the smudged nail polish off and put on two fresh coats then sleep like a gymnast in my effort to not smudge it again.

Marie Antoinette? more like Marie Suckfestnette!!!

I don't even know where to begin with this one.

First of all, 90% of the cast had American accents. Wasn't it supposed to be in France? Isn't she supposed to be Austrian? and I hate it when people try to bring a modern twist to something old and do it wrong...I can think of only one movie that did it right A knights tale(link). Everybody else tries and FAILS! All the rock music was horribly misplaced in the movie....and worst of all...there was NO DIALOGUE! Non! I can't remember even one conversation.

This Movie is supposed to be about the life of Marie Antoinette. One of the most hated queens of France and from what I heard Sophia Coppola(Ms. Director) was trying to portray her in a different light. give us more of an insight to her.....ummmmmmm ?????????

$9.25 I'll never get back. Anyway. The only reason I went is because Greys Anatomy was having a re-run night. Otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my precious Thursday evening on that bull!

the beautifully talented...the talentedly beautiful

It was OCTOBER 19th 2006.....

The cheers were quieting down and the crowd was taking their seats again while he looked on and smiled. He lifted his red plastic tea cup and took a sip. Slowly but surely, he put his cup down, swiftly placed his fingers on the step of his guitar and belted out: "it takes a crane to make a crane. It takes a two floors to make a story. It takes an egg to make a hen, it takes a hen to make an egg, there is no end to what I'm saying. Lalalalala life is wonderful lalalala....................." Big, fat, warm, loopy tears streaming down my face, enruptured by his beautiful face, beautiful voice and all I could think was LALALALALA lALA Jason Mraz is wonderful.......................