This is why I'm hot

Judy Jetson(JJ): Good Afternoon this is *******
Spidey Dolt(SD): (Thick accent) Good Afternoon. May I speak with Judy Jetson?
JJ: This is she.
SD: Ohhhh...JuuuDy!!! Happppy New Year!
JJ: *puzzled silence followed by* Happy new year to you too.
SD: ARE YOU STILL ACCEPTING NEW YEARS GREETINGS IN MAY FROM YOUR BRODA?
JJ: **silently contemplating suicide..or homicide...or suicide..or...homicide...or suici....**
SD: Oh! Look at you. You don't even know who this is (ohh you bet your annoying a$$ I do!) This is Spidey Dolt!
JJ: Hello Spidey (feigning the slightest hint of amusement)
SD: Hello Judy. Can I ask you a question?
JJ: (You already did!!!!) Sure what's up?
SD: If I took money out of my 401k....
JJ:Oh that would have to be handled at corporate through our benefits department.
SD: Oh. Yes. You told me that the last time I called. Is it still *****?
JJ: Yes.
SD: Is her number still 111-222-3334
JJ: (Hmm..Let me see. You called about this 3 months ago, I told you to call the same benefits department and gave you the same name. Do you effin see a pattern her?) Sure. Yes. Her number is 111-222-3334 (Four the upteenth time you mo-fo!)
SD: Ohh. OK. Thank you Judy.
JJ: You're welcome. Have a great afternoon.

Who is Spidey Dolt you ask??? THE DEVIL PLAYING PRANKS!

Typical day in Hedes

I got a call from one of my clients asking about my company’s (Satans Kitchen) hiring procedures because he had a foreign contractor he wanted to add to his staff. So I sent the email below.
Hi Big Boss Man,
Attached is the ___ form as promised. On page three of the form isthe list of acceptable documents. Contractors either need to have one form of ID from list A or two forms of ID one from list B and one from list C. I hope that helps. Please let me know if you have any further questions.
Thank you,
Peee Ayye!

So he forwards the email to the candidate along with the msg:

Hi El- Stupido,
Per our discussion. Please contact Pee Ayye at Satans Kitchen if you require additional information.
Regards,

Big Boss Man

El-Stupido then takes her cue and sends me the email below:

Hello Peee Ayye,
I am have been working for ***** for 9 years, training for 5 of thoseyears(STOP! please hold while I polish your Oscar) and will be working as a private training consultant in August. I am not sure how much Big Boss Man has told you about me and future opportunities training with satans kitchen?Can you help me understand the process?
Regards,

El- Stupido

At this point I’m thinking..WTF?

Hi El- Stupendous,
Mr Big Boss Man didn't tell me much about you. He had asked me what documentation weneeded in order to hire someone who wasn't a citizen on our payroll.I had sent him the __ form (attached). Please review page 3 of the __ form.It shows all the necessary documentation. You either need one from List A ora combination of one ID from list B and another from list C. If you have anyfurther questions, please give me a call.
Thank you,

Peee Ayye

I thought all was clear and rainbows were starting to form in my skys when I got this:

Hello Peee Ayye,
What is the process you have gone though in the past when hiring anyone from **** or any other country outside of ***? In regard to the attached form, this does not help me understand the process asI am a ***** citizen and therefore do not have the documents mentioned.Any insight would be helpful.
Thank you,
El- Stupido.

How many different ways can I explain to El- Stupendous that it is what it is…I need is what I need? If you don’t have the documents then that means you need to get them…..simple..In my opinion(and a rather humble one by the way) I was very clear…. WAS I FREAKING NOT? People like her make satans kitchen is what it is!

You know you're having a bad day when.....

I was at the airport last night waiting for my one-and-only's delayed flight so I decided to make a restroom stop.

Everyone left and I was alone in the restroom.As I was washing my hands over the sink a custodian/janitor/maintenance engineer comes in. She looks about 38-43(you know the tough age for women when you aren't a fossil but you are so close to being one you might as well be?), bad stringy hair..just having a rough time basically. The minute she walks in she exclaims: "why is it so hard for you trick mutha****** to keep a bathroom clean? DAMN! DAMN! I just cleaned this bathroom" Pause while walking around "You mutha***** can't clean up after yourselves!"

Meanwhile, a 55year old woman walks in talking on her cell phone followed by her mother(im assuming) who was so old she needed a walker to get around...The custodian looks at her and goes "there they go, trick a$$ mutha****** walking in here talking on they damned cell phones! mmmm hmmmm!" as the 55year old walked past her and her mother was walking a lot slower (DUH!) and in the way of the custodian who was on her way out she goes "YEAH! Trick a$$ mutha***** taking your sweet damned time like I aint got sh!t to do!" (I swear..I'm not even kidding) Then she walks out mumbling all sorts of curses and when she's outside the door I hear her say "......making me work extra...... Lord help me 4 I kill somebody! Trick a$$ mutha******" and she walks back into the bathroom with her big cart walks into the first stall and goes "THEY ALREADY DONE FINISHED THE TOILET PAPER! DAMN THESE TRICK A&& MUTHA*****!" at which point I sprinted out of the bathroom in tears because I couldn't hold the laughter in any longer... I was really scared of her but at the same time I couldn't believe her tantrum..... I mean she must have known we could CLEARLY hear her......WHO DOES THAT?

Gee, I wonder what kind of day she was having....

Vivid narrative

Some perv wrote the article below for Mens style magazine about Justin Timberlake...I mean is it even about Justin Timberlake?

http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_5474

Too Tacky to be true

I was doing my usual browsing through my favorite blogs when I came across the above pictures!! Oh my goodness! Luckily I had a barf bag close to me.

For more pictures from this classy and tasteful wedding, check out The Trixies page. What's the difference between being classy and being tacky anyway?

You get an E for Effort!

PA: Good Morning, this is *******
None Other Than(NOT): Hey PA it’s NOT. I didn’t get my check yesterday so I missed my hair appointment and now they don’t have another hair appointment available for a whole week. But that’s not your fault(No $h!t). I think it’s because Monday was a holiday(presidents day).
PA: The system shows that your check was mailed out on Tuesday as it they normally are.
NOT: Yeah. I figured as much. It’ll probably be in the mail today.
PA: Yes. Hopefully.
NOT: All right. That’s all. Thank you.
PA: You’re welcome.

*** Somehow, I think that whole phone conversation could have been avoided! and telling me about your hair appointment doesn't make the situation any more serious in my mind. This woman is driving me crazy. How can one person be so needy?****

glass ceiling

For some reason, women make up about 70% to 80% of my entire company. It might have something to do with the whole Womens Business something something that we are part of, but pretty much everyone I know is female. Especially at corporate.

Most if not all these females are total bitches! They are the most inconsiderate, emotional and moody fuckers I've ever had to deal with. Granted I've never met any of them since I come from a small branch and there are 35branches all over the country, but I still get to correspond with them through email and whatnot and I have to say...ITS NOT FUN.

I hate all of them. Bitches!

Working for this company makes me realise why there is a glass ceiling concept and that coming from a woman is a SAD thing. But too many women in the work place definately spoil the broth.

Everyone is trying to proove just how important they are. Everyone is such a princess and they think that everyone elses lives revolves around them...but guess what bitches? IT DOESNT.

My advise to these bitches is GROW. THA.FUCK.UP!

I cant say that I hate you....

Dictionary.com defines the word idiot as:

Main Entry: idiot
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: stupid
Synonyms: ass, blockhead, boob, booby, cretin, dimwit, donkey, dork, dumb ox, dumbbell, dunce, dunderhead, fool, halfwit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, jerk, kook*, meathead, mental defective, moron, nincompoop, ninny*, nitwit, pinhead*, pointy head, simpleton, stupid, tomfool, twit*, yo-yo
Antonyms: genius, intellectual
Notes: an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years

I really had NO idea! Who’s the idiot now? Using words I don’t understand…

Anyway…reason I was looking it up was…I had the following conversation 2 minutes ago

Nincompoop (otherwise known as Anns-new-self-annointed-mngr/contractor) calls and says: Hey is Ann there?

Me: No. She’s out to lunch. Would you like her voicemail?

Nincompoop: No. I just wanted to tell her that I’m leaving at 3pm (mind you she already told Ann that this morning).

Me: Ok. Sure. I’ll let her know.

Nincompoop: Also, can you fax me a timecard?

Me: (rolling my eyes cuz I hate it when they do this..but ok with it because she doesn’t abuse me with this all the time anyway…) Sure. Whats your fax number

Nincompoop: *as if to add salt to injury, Lets out a long drawn out groan…like uggghhhh!* You don’t have it?

Me: Nope!

Nincompoop: *Uggghhhhh!* Ok. Fine. Let me call you back!

Me: Ok.

Some people are too stupid to hate.

Crack is whack!

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Effin Ipod

I had a quick question about my ipod so I decided to call the store closest to me to see if I could get some assistance.

After going through literally 5 different menu’s I end up with:

Ben: Technical support this is Ben, how may I help you?

ME: Hi there, I got a new Ipod to replace my current one and was wondering weather you guys would be able to transfer all the songs on my current ipod to the new one.

Ben: I’m not sure about that.(and you are in Technical Support?) for that you would have to call a store and see if they can help you.

ME: I dialed the store and ended up with you!

Ben: Try again and this time on the menu pick the “other” option and you’ll get the store.

ME: Thank you.

Another phone call and two menus later

Idiotus Maximus(IM): Thank you for calling the apple store at **** mall, how may I help you?

ME: Hi Idiotus Maximus, I got a new Ipod to replace my current one and was wondering weather you guys would be able to transfer all the songs on my current ipod to the new one.

IM: Well, we are not able to do that here. But you could maybe find something on google to assist you with that.

ME: But you are the apple store. Your company created this product. If you guys don’t know how to do it, how would I find it on google?

IM: Well (2nd “well” in this conversation. So much for customer service!) Apple does not have software that supports that. Maybe if you had a computer that could support that…

ME: I tried transferring the songs from my ipod to my itunes library but it wouldn’t let me.

IM: Right. Because itunes does not support the transferring of songs from the ipod unless you stored them on your ipod as data files and not as songs but then that would take up more space and you wouldn’t be able to listen to the songs (so why would I get an ipod to use as a hard drive if I can’t listen to the songs?) because you would be using the ipod as a hard-drive

ME: How is it, that when I buy a new cell phone, I can go to the t-mobile store and have them transfer all the info(address book etc) from one phone to another but apple can’t figure out a way to transfer all my songs from one ipod to another?

IM: I DON’T KNOW!

ME: I thought so. No one seems to know anything. Thank you.

Oh my goodness they are ridiculous!

Articulation

Don’t you just LOVE it when you say something to someone then they tell it to you more articulately and act like they are teaching you something…worse yet, you are too busy to say anything so you just go…oooohhh and pretend you’ve been schooled?

Case in point:

Me: Yeah. I wanted to go see Borat.
T: Booorrraatt( FRAT BOY!), yeah. You know I saw a picture of that dude and he looks pretty normal??
Me: Yeah. I know..Remember he used to be Ali G?
T: He still is. The show is still going on on HBO
Me: Really he still is? I didn’t know that
T: Yeah. Actually, he’s not Ali G. Ali G is a character he plays and Borat is another character played by the same actor.
ME: (Say it with me) Ooooohhh!


*gritting my teeth*

Kramer f@cked up in a MAJOR Way

This rascist bigot said some really offensive shit and came on letterman last night to apologize and try to explain his actions. Click here to read the full "apology".

Yes. In some alternate universe this is supposed to make sense!

Coathanger/mixer

To use for your wardrobe, and for the extreme necessities in your kitchen!

This item actually exists for sale on this website at18.50 Euro’s a piece,


Incase you want to give a practical gift this Christmas.

Elections? What Elections? Britney Spears just filed for divorce

SHES BRINGING SEXY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes. There is a God out there and he has been listening..there were rumors that since she wanted two children she was going to let K-FED father them then leave his ass and I didn't quite believe it..but...ITS TRUE!

She's free..shes freeee...shes freee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just about the happiest day of the year for me. I wasn't a Britney fan until she started going down the drain(after marrying federjerk)...I didn't know what I had until it was gone...now...I'm all about Britneys comeback...

Awww...poor fed-ex! Maybe Shar Jackson will take him back...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hate of the day

I hate the word "Palate" because it's mostly used by pretentious people in pretentious situations!

Bowl of water

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

CEILING MURAL

This is the ceiling mural at a smokers lounge...Funny....

Dark nail polish is my achilles hill

So after watching the suckfest, I went home and decided to try out my new OPI lincoln after dark nail polish ..one of the most sort after colors of this fall season(thank you trixie. you do right by your fellow fashion whores). This stuff is selling out before it hits the shelves. I've had it for a few wks but hadn't gotten the time to paint my nails...dark nail polishes take so much more work than lighter ones. In light of that little fact I decided to watch one of those movies that lasted 2wks on big screen. Phat girls. WRONG MOVE. I thought marie suckanette was horrible, this was worse. Unlike the suckfest though, this movie had a plot...a really cliche boring one but a plot nontheless. It's about this two hundred plus pounder who has dreams of designing clothes for her fellow heavy weights ...only she couldn't find anyone to finance her dream. Somehow, she ends up winning a trip to a fancy luxury resort which she and her two friends drove to in a Chrysler Sebring (I blogged about them before) and she meets this Rich Nigerian Dr who is attracted to her because " In Nigeria a womans largeness depicts a higher social standing" (This is sadly true but only in remote villages)...anyway..i fell asleep somewhere around that because next thing I know it's 3am and the DVD menu is playing and I have nail polish smudged on my palms (please tell me how) and my nail polish had all these different textures….

UGH! Hate my life!

So it’s 3 am, I had to wake up, take the smudged nail polish off and put on two fresh coats then sleep like a gymnast in my effort to not smudge it again.

Marie Antoinette? more like Marie Suckfestnette!!!

I don't even know where to begin with this one.

First of all, 90% of the cast had American accents. Wasn't it supposed to be in France? Isn't she supposed to be Austrian? and I hate it when people try to bring a modern twist to something old and do it wrong...I can think of only one movie that did it right A knights tale(link). Everybody else tries and FAILS! All the rock music was horribly misplaced in the movie....and worst of all...there was NO DIALOGUE! Non! I can't remember even one conversation.

This Movie is supposed to be about the life of Marie Antoinette. One of the most hated queens of France and from what I heard Sophia Coppola(Ms. Director) was trying to portray her in a different light. give us more of an insight to her.....ummmmmmm ?????????

$9.25 I'll never get back. Anyway. The only reason I went is because Greys Anatomy was having a re-run night. Otherwise I wouldn't have wasted my precious Thursday evening on that bull!

the beautifully talented...the talentedly beautiful

It was OCTOBER 19th 2006.....

The cheers were quieting down and the crowd was taking their seats again while he looked on and smiled. He lifted his red plastic tea cup and took a sip. Slowly but surely, he put his cup down, swiftly placed his fingers on the step of his guitar and belted out: "it takes a crane to make a crane. It takes a two floors to make a story. It takes an egg to make a hen, it takes a hen to make an egg, there is no end to what I'm saying. Lalalalala life is wonderful lalalala....................." Big, fat, warm, loopy tears streaming down my face, enruptured by his beautiful face, beautiful voice and all I could think was LALALALALA lALA Jason Mraz is wonderful.......................

In the spirit of all things Halloween

$45k for a trendy pair of Christian Louboutins??

Dear Mr/ Mrs. I drive a Chrysler 300 therefore I must be oh so special,

First things first.....

300
MSRP* starting at: $24,555 300C SRT8 as shown: $43,195 is not 2006 Bentley Arnage Styles MSRP Price Range: $212,990 - $243,990


The simple fact that people would buy a Chrysler and try to pass it off for a Bentley(oh yeah I've you pricky bastards on the road with your Humongous sunglasses acting like Diddy aint got shit on you!) is pathetic... Either you have a Bentley or you don't. You all have this air about you when you "float" around in your giant-for-nothing-plastic-shells-you-call-automobiles.
If you can't afford something you don't need to try so hard...the inventors of Chryler showed a severe lack of innovation when they decided to act like street vendors and start mass producing knock-offs. Seriously...how unfathomable is it when someone's paying a $35k car loan and acting like they are paying a $300k car loan? Others go to the extreme of paying extra to get 'custon-made-grills' that make it look more like a Bentley...so not only are you paying a car loan, you are also paying a grill loan, a rim loan among other things....all in the name of looking like you are a baller...ITS PATHETIC....for that kinda money in loans you might as well have bought a mercedes, a bmw or a lexus..in otherwords... a real luxury vehicle!

Chrysler 300's have always been on my shit list from the first day I saw them.... They are a shiteous idea and I have no clue how it passed from the little man to the big wigs at Chrysler......and onto the Market..then again..didnt they used to have that fish looking Chrysler Sebring back in 2001? How long did that shitiousness last??? They are almost non-existent today..just as these 300's will go out of style within another yr or two...getting a Chrysler 300 is like paying $45k for a trendy pair of shoes you can barely afford...bitch you know that shit aint gone stay hot in the market..WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?

Sincerely,

Resisting-the-urge-to-egg-you-and-your-car.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Trusty Payroll Administrator(TPA): Good Afternoon this is *******(the-place-i-go-when-I-want-to-feel-suicidal!)
Crazy-Clueless-Lady(CCL): Uh. Yes. I wanted to return three copies of the Di Vinci code, see the problem was
TPA: I’m sorry to cut you short ma’am but I believe you have the wrong number
CCL: Oh. Is this Randal House?
TPA: No.Ma’am. It’s the-place-I-go-when-I-want-to-feel-suicidal.
CCL: So….Did you call in? Do I need to assist you with something?
TPA: (WHAT?) No. You ma’am you called me.(The only reason I’m being civil is because I think this might be a prank from corporate or something. Surely..no one can be this clueless)
CCL: Is this? 8(voice drifts off). Oh I think I might have dialed the wrong number.
TPA: (Yeah! No shit!) Yes. I think so too.
CCL: Aw…*giggle, giggle, giggle* Sorry about that.
TPA: Uhuh.

Two minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Those men...........

I just got this Fwd and thought it was pretty funny.
Gotta Love Those Men

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Rodger says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You're not holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Star Wars

It's starting.....Stars are doing it the same way drunk men do it.....Saying it with their fists

http://www.forbes.com/business/businesstech/feeds/ap/2006/10/04/ap3066739.html

Shanna Moakler apparently punched Paris Hilton two nights ago in a night club. SWEET!

Pour some chocolate/ grease on these b!tches, put it on pay-per-view and hand me a hot dog and a beer......

DON’T SAY BORED. SAY “CLASSY”

Dear Merlot,

Bonsouir mon a mi!

It was great to be at your birthday festivities this past weekend. It made me appreciate the fact that life gives us options (obviously you picked one that I wouldn’t have). For your birthday, you chose to give as a night in the twilight zone. Started off with a mind- numbing French movie (subtitles and all) with a live soundtrack. Now in theory, this was a very neat idea. But in actuality I thought of several thousand different ways to kill myself during the whole hour and a half that we watched this movie in silence. There was not enough wine in the city to drown out the boredom. After the movie we went to a “quaint little place” that was actually pretty cool. It almost made up for the 5 flights of stairs we had to go through (Ever heard of elevators? Escalators? I felt like I was on a game show) only to get to an Ill-lite room with a magnificent view of the city. That I’ll give you. It was a gorgeous view up there. So bravo is my word for that.

You’re a 30something year old dude. Still very much in your early thirties. Your birthday was on a Friday (not everyone gets to be this lucky). Why couldn’t we just go to a bar, drink beers and high-five each other? Is being cultured, all about doing certain things off a checklist just to show you and others how classy a person is/can be? Can you tell Classy from Bullshit?

Sincerely,

Highly-uncultured.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Weight Chart for Women

Height Frame

4'10" 102-111
4'11" 103-113
5'0" 104-115
5'1" 106-118
5'2" 108-121
5'3" 111-124
5'4" 114-127
5'5" 117-130
5'6" 120-133
5'7" 123-136
5'8" 126-139
5'9" 129-142
5'10" 132-145
5'11" 135-148
6'0" 138-151

If your weight is more than 10 pounds heavier than what the weight chart above says you should be, Please do not wear SKINNY JEANS.

Contrary to popular belief, skinny jeans are not for everyone. Please do us all a favor and keep up with fashion trends that work well with your body type.

Thank you for your consideration.

My Nikes are Circa 1896

Dear Ms. Inconsiderate,

When I first saw you walk into the changing room, I thought you were a cute professional staying fit. For a moment there I thought you had it all, cute outfit, cute face, cute gym bag…everything looked very well coordinated. This was until you decided to ROCK my world and open your gym bag.

Prior to yesterday I had never truly wanted to beat down a stranger for being rudely inconsiderate but I have to say that the hot stench that came from your bag taunted a seriously violent reaction from me. Not once in my life have I ever smelled something so unpleasant coming from a designer bag. Louis Vuitton would have a fit if he knew what you put in that bag. At first I thought that you might have accidentally brought a diaper bag to the gym but you didn’t seem fazed when the disgusting odor hit the air. Instead you looked at me and smiled (Sweet lord! I think this was a test!!).

Then it happened….Like the unveiling of a hideous bride, came the Nikes Moses wore when he went up the mountain. Its really impressive that you come from a family that wears the same shoe size all around and has been doing so for generations. But guess what? No one cares! Put it in a book, talk to Tyra about it. I have racked my mind for reasons why someone would own those and subject the whole entire world (the gym) to their unpleasant smell but couldn’t come up with one. Violence is never a solution and that is why I’m writing to you today. Please write back and enlighten me.

Sincerely,

Willing-to-start-a-fund-to-buy-you-new-gym-shoes @ the gym.

PS: Moses called. He wants his shoes back.

P-P-PPick up a liar!

Me: So you told her you play Tennis and have exclusive memberships to different Tennis clubs in the area?
T-Man: Yeah. So to speak. That was one of the requirements on her post.
Me: What were the other “requirements”?
T-man: Umm..I don’t know. Things like You had to be taller than 5”11, educated… stuff like that.
Me: Are you 5”11
T-man: No. I’m 5”6
Me: Ok……???
T-man: Yeah. We’re going to meet for lunch or dinner later in the week and then play tennis next week.
Me: REALLY?
T-man: Yeah. She seems like a really cool person and I look forward to getting to know her a little better.
Me: But you’re lying to her.
T-man: Yeah. I’m just laying the ground work. Getting my foot in the door. You know. That kind of thing.
Me: If she’s such a nice person, don’t you feel guilty about lying?
T-man: No. Not really. I figure being the size that she is, she doesn’t really play tennis. She probably used to when she was younger and slimmer but not now.
Me: So how do you plan to pull off playing tennis next week
T-man: I’ll just get a racket and rent a tennis court at a fitness center and the rest will follow.
Me: Isn’t that a lot of trouble for someone you aren’t even interested in?
T-man: Nah. I think of it as fun.

I don’t get it. He doesn’t have to lie, but it’s the choice he makes and then he goes out of his way to cover his lies and all this would make sense if he was at least interested in this chick…..but sadly..no….

……................Craigslist- The paradise of liars.............................

Shit for brains

Craigslist epidemic...part 2

A friend of mine tells me she's been searching and posting on Craigslist to find dates and it's been going well. While I'm not looking to date, I'm still curious about what she's seeing. So I log on and start scanning the "women seeking men" links. Most of the post do not have pictures but they're written in a fairly interesting manner so I imagine that I'd reply if I were looking. But lately, I've been seeing posts that are borderline horrifying. The title of one post says she's a...

"Cute Beach Girl 4 Great Guy...".

I open the link and read the post. It goes something along the lines of...

"I'm a cute beach girl seeking a great guy.....for friendship and whatever else. I'm bored in my small boring town; I've gone back to school part time (business student)and I'd love to find someone to make my life a little more interesting. Want to know about me? I'm 5'9 and fit and athletic. I enjoy long walks with my dog; I love the beach,relaxing with a book. I'm a homebody by nature, and I like to play Scrabble and shoot pool whenever I can. I don't smoke,drink socially,and you can rarely find me trolling the bars."

Then I scroll down to see her picture. Where do I begin? First, it's only a headshot taken on a webcam with bad lighting. But an individual with an eye for detail can discern a lot from just this type of shot. Cute? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Why lie about your looks? Fit? Athletic? If you saw the headshot picture, you'd see that her neck has about 4 breadrolls and is wider than an 18 wheeler. She's not fooling anyone. She's closer to 322lb.

I saw another post along the same lines. It's title is...

"Lovely Latina Seeking....."

and it says...

"seeking good conversation, nights out on the town, dinner and a movie, or meet for a couple of drinks after work. I like museums, comedy clubs or exploring the city together. I am a 39 y.o., TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman) and comfortable with the skin I'm in. I love to dress up or dress down, either way I can dress for the occasion. I am new to the area and I am just looking for now. If you are the right man maybe we can become great friends or more. But for now I am just looking to see who is out there and if we connect. I'm a professional woman who works for a large international law firm in DC and live in Alexandria. I am open minded, down to earth, easy going, sweet, honest, kind and caring, likes to laugh and have a good time. I have a great sense of humor. I prefer brotha's or Hispanic men between the ages of 30 and 50. I have dated interracially for many many years and this is what I prefer. I prefer maturity, a man who has goals and knows what he wants out of life. Someone who knows how to hold down a conversation and someone that can connect with me on many different levels".

TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman)? Let's discuss this TBW more popularly known as BBW (Big Beautiful Woman). First, the word fat is not a curse word. If you're fat, use FBW (Fat Beautiful Woman). Big, thick, large can be used if you're not obese. Otherwise, you're FAT. Also, if we're strictly looking in terms of physical features, your being fat doesn't make you beautiful. The two are mutually exclusive. Mind you, BBW is a true acronym for many women but it doesn't apply to fat women. Female bodybuilders or female basketball players can use big or thick. Fat is certainly big but big isn't necessarily fat. I've noticed that most of the females who use BBW usually follow it with something along the lines of "...and I'm comfortable in my skin" like the post above says. You never read a post from a truly fit, athletic or slim female that says "I'm slim and I'm fine with that". The reason? Because if you're truly comfortable "in your FAT skin", it doesn't need to be said. You're responding to a question that no one has asked. When was the last time someone asked you "hey, are you comfortable being fat?". When Oprah Winfrey was fat, you knew she was uncomfortable. Aretha Franklin is twice as big as Oprah ever was but Aretha is completely comfortable with her size. Speaking specifically about the "Lovely Latina" post, outside of those already mentioned (TBW, comfortable being fat, etc), she made a number of mistakes. She mentions "liking to dress up for the occasion". Only children mention liking to dress up. She mentions being a professional in a large law firm. Is she a lawyer? Undoubtedly the answer is no. Have you ever heard a lawyer, an administrative assistant or another professional office worker mention "liking to dress up?" She probably works in the lobby checking i.d. badges. Worse yet, she may in fact be the coat checker. Can you be a professional coat checker? What's so difficult about taking someone's coat, putting it on a hanger and giving them a claim tag? Further, she says she would like someone who can "hold down a conversation". Hold down a conversation? I don't even know what you say. Does she think spelling the word 'thick' as 'thyck' will show someone she's able to 'hold down a conversation'?

Come ladies stop lying to yourselves because you're not fooling anyone.

Craigslist epidemic...part 1

I feel that it is a civic duty of mine to inform everyone (or at least anyone who reads this blog) of a new epidemic that's hitting the internet.....THE CRAIGSLIST EPIDEMIC.

My friend Tommy is always surfing craigslist and looking for interesting things such us bands that need members (he plays the guitar) and many other random things. Lately he's been forwarding some craigslist listings for my review because some of these people are truly bizarre.

Case in point: BE AFRAID; BE VERY AFRAID (this is the real subject of the posting)

Reply to: **********@craigslist.com
Date: 2006-08-22, 7:28AM EDT
Is there a man in the Baltimore region who is not afraid of a sexy, intelligent, loving woman? Then maybe you're looking for ME. I am a 49-year-old professional woman with an incredible sense of humor and capacity for affection. I am looking to shower that affection on a nice, regular guy who knows how to please a woman. Younger men are always a turn-on, but age and size does not really matter, as long as you're young at heart and giving. Drop me a line and let's see what happens.

The ad is then followed by a pukeworthy photograph of her 350lbs self.

First of all....Be afraid? Be very afraid? She is rather beastly, admits it with that 'be afraid, very afraid' title then as if her own beastliness confused her, turns right around and says she had 'lots' to offer. Lots of what? Beastliness? Who's into beast women?

What upsets me about her bestiality (ooppps! I think that came out wrong...... did it?) is the fact that she put her picture up.... I'm pretty sure with a dollar store photo frame, that picture could find a very warm and loving place....IN A NURSING HOME!
Yeah dude/ duddette! (I can't tell....she's so manly looking) We get it...You're 49. You're OLD! Don't show it to us. That's the whole point of online dating. We lie to each other, we give the rest of the world an opportunity to fantasize about how perfect the person might be and then when it comes to meeting the person, that's when Murphy's Law kicks in and she shows up! But it would be nice to have that 5 seconds when I think... "hmmm..maybe she looks like Demi Moore" Those five minutes when I say "Vivica Fox is 45 and she's still hotter than a mug" Is there a chance that she would be on craigslist and look like either one of these two lovely ladies, NO! But it's nice to dream. So grandma....Not only are you hideous, in dire need of a diet or two, desperate and just plain WACK..... You're a dream stealer... and that in my opinion is a bigger offense than anything else.

And lastly, "Be afraid, be very afraid"? "I have lots of love to offer and shower someone with"? Is craigslist supposed to be OXYMORON central? Everyone there says something and then turns right back around and says the opposite. It's like a kid in a candy store overwhelmed with the choices...then again...wait...that example IS an oxymoron because if these hags had that much choice, they wouldn't be so desperate-on-craigslist.

Here's a suggestion Ms. I'm 49 and got lots of love to share....BUY A CLUE!!! And the clue of the day is...........drum roll please.................................................................OXYMORON!!!!!!!

Lazurus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman and her ever-clueless husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Repetition for emphasis

It's a pre-requirment that all my contractors pass their drug tests before they can be hired....Someone always gets caught with their pants down and more often than not..they know they are going to get caught(makes you wonder why they take the test anyway). Last week someone didn't know they were going to get caught.

Friday August 04, 2006
PA a.k.a ME(to contractors manager/Man in charge): Hi! I just wanted to let you know that dolt did not pass her drug test and we therefore will not be bringing her on to our staff.
Man in charge(MIC): What?
**silence**
MIC: Ohh ok. I'll let her know.
PA: thank you. bye.

Monday Aug 07, 2006
MIC: Hi I just spoke with Dolt and she informed me that she's on prescription medications and I just wanted to let you know that thats why she failed her test.
PA: Oh. Alright. By law the drs usually call the contractor to inform them that they failed the test and this gives them a chance to contest the results before the are release the their employer(ME)
**repetetion from MIC to Dolt and mumbling from Dolt**
MIC: She says she didn't get a call from anybody informing her (Is it by any chance because she was high and therefore doesnt remember the phone call now?)
PA: All that she can do now is get written confirmation from her Dr and take it to the drug testing company and contest the results.
MIC: Allright I'll let her know.

Tuesday August 08, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt and her Dr's office on the line and they would like to verify that they did indeed prescribe the medications that came up on the results.
PA(to the 10 people on the phone call): allright. For that you would have to contact the drug company and inform them that the medications were prescribed and they will let you know what to do next. Their number is 1-800-eat-shit.
Dr's office: Can we just fax the prescription to you?
Me: No. that would have to be done through the drug testing company.
MIC: Dolt, did you get that?
Dolt: Yes. I did. thank you.

Wednesday August 09, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt right here with me in my office with a letter from her Dr outlining all the medications they have put her on with a signature and a Dr's seal.
PA: Ok. Tell Dolt to take it to the Drug Test Company and tell them that she's contesting the results and give them that info.
MIC: Ok. I'll have her do that. thank you.

At this point I think MIC is the one on drugs! how many times do I have to repeat the same thing in the same monotone before they truly understand that it's not part of my job description, nor I'm I qualified to make such assesments?

HOW MANY? Five bucks says I'll hear from MIC tommorow again....Oh i cant wait!

Flattery

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/%7Egeoffo/humour/flattery.html

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to dois help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"

BEST BUY

Best Buy is having a ridiculous DVD sale. I went into the Reston Town Center store after work and almost had a heart attack. I could've easily spent $300 on DVDs with no problem. They're selling movies for as low as $3.99. And I mean good movies.

At one point, I had about 15 movies in my hand. I've never used one in Best Buy but yesterday I got close to picking up a hand basket. With all of those movies in my hand, I finally realized that I can't possibly justify purchasing them all. So now comes the big decision time. Which movies do I keep and which do I return? I felt like a crack addict. My palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. My mind had 3000 thousand thoughts all going simultaneously. "Someone told me this one is good so I should keep it but how do I know we have similar tastes?" "I've seen this one but I really really want it but I already seen it but I really want it". "Oh my goodness, I've never heard of this one but it really looks good".

Ultimately I only bought 3 (House Of Flying Daggers $6.99, The Bourne Supremacy $6.99 and Hostel $8.99) because, well, I wanted to be able to drive, eat, wash clothes and have at least a little fun with my daughter this month. So I had to calm down. I've always loved Best Buy but now, I don't know whether I should slap them or ask for the chain's hand in marriage for making go through that torture.

God gave us family..........

I come from a family of four. Three girls, one lonely boy. Three of us live here(in the US of A) and one of my sisters lives continents away. She is currently visiting 'us' and since both my other siblings live in the same city, she set up camp over there which means I have to get off my fat ass and visit her highness(which I don't mind at all!). It's really expensive to get a last minute ticket from where I am to Waxahachie so I sent a text msg(dont you just love technology) to my brother and my other sister who lives here. Keep in mind that I'm a last born and fairly young(georgeous, fabulous..the list goes on)

"I would like to come to Waxahachie but can't afford to. The ticket is about ****. Can you chip in to help?"

43 minutes later I get a call from my sister.

Kin(my sister): Hey
Me: Hey
Kin: Whats up? Whats this about a ticket?
Me: Yeah. It's really expensive and I can't afford it
Kin: How much is it?
Me: $***
Kin:How much do you have?
Me: $***
Kin: So where are you going to get the rest of the money?
Me: Did you call to ask me that? I send you a text msg asking for financial help and you call me to ask me where the $$ is going to come from?
Kin: What? You don't want to talk to me?
Me: **Silence**
Kin: Whatever. I'm going to work.
Me: Bye.
Kin: Bye.

Ohhhhhhh my good God! WTF just happened there? Thank heavens I choose my friends!

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________________________

Q: This condition you have... does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A:! By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____ __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?!
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Pearls of Stupidity

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

*****Thanks Jen!*****

one hour fifteen minutes later

I just flew from DC to ATL and the contrast is numbing. It was hot and humid in DC but in ATL, I can't even breath! this is ridiculous! Also, while I'm at it, why is Hartfield so congested? I've never been to such a crowded airport.

PMS

I have always considered myself a feminist but recently I have found myself putting my feminist flag down and giving up on that movement. I am beginning to see the light.It’s a mans world. Man has miraculously found a way to cure cancer (if detected in the early stages blah blah blah), men are shooting in and out of Space like it’s a vacation spot but to date, we are yet to find a cure for menstrual cramps. I have a feeling that if men had to be rendered useless (wait..aren’t they already) for 2-3days out of every month because of blinding menstrual cramps, they would be a thing of the past. Cured in 1960 by some crazy dude. Hell Einstein would have figured it out in his time. And that my friends is where the injustices begin.

Fashion criminal

Dear Miss Leopard print Leotard disaster at the gym,

Your choice in attire is unfathomable, you nipplullar exposure distasteful. At your best you are a walking warning sign. A multifaceted DON’T. A handbook of apparel rules and regulations at the gym wouldn’t help you, an extreme makeover show wouldn’t be enough. All we can do is pray and hope that a miracle happens. Even with the Kaleidoscope hypnotic effect your outfit has on me I could still drop kick you in a moment of “temporary insanity”. So for the love of god and mankind…please be a hero! Save us all from the visual of your sagging bits prancing on the treadmill in this contemptible get up.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled at the gym

BEHIND THE GLASS...

A rant from a friend:


Yesterday as I'm on my way to pick up my daughter from daycare, I saw (seemingly) several hundred females wearing those sets of huge, black sunglasses that look like big bug eyes. I thought I'd driven into the world of killer bees. These sunglasses look to be about 4 times the size of my shades. They appear to cover at least 1/3 of the person's entire face. What's the attraction to these glasses? The first person I recall seeing (and it was only in pictures as she's someone to whom I've never physically gotten close) is Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Mrs. Onassis had such grace that she could make anything she wore look classy. That doesn't mean just anybody can do the same. I imagine that those sunglasses are made by some famous designer. And I'm certain that many of those I saw yesterday were of the knockoff variety. Somebody tell me the purpose of sunglasses. Yes, everything we (male and females) wear is usually a fashion statement. But when did it become fashionable to look like a wasp? What's with the bug like apparel? We don't see beetles on the runways of Paris wearing little clothes like humans (do we?). I have no problem with animal print and animal skins. This is especially true for mammals. Bear skin rugs (I know, very 1970's), rabbit fur, zebra stripped furs, alligator leather, snake skin and even peacock hair apparel are fashionable. But bug sunglasses? What's next? Centipede armed coats? Bee winged swimsuits? Ant antennaed hats?

corporate disaster!

Don’t you just love how corporate America has turned some people into robots? Some things that people say and the way they say them baffles me. Case in point this very proper-“I-rolled-around-in-the-corporate-jargon-wagon” gentleman I spoke with that ended the conversation by saying “good morning” in the same monotone he had used throughout the conversation. Just to annoy him I almost said “Good Morning this is ____(insert company name), How may I assist you?” in the same cheery voice I had started that conversation with..

What a tool!

"I will not loose you"

See, we were going somewhere and being the clueless female(yes, ladies..im bringing us down) that I am, I was supposed to follow him. He looks me right in the eyes and says "M***, I will not loose you". Somebody guess what was the first thing my boyfriend did when he left the parking lot........................

WTF?

ME: Good Morning, this is S******
Imbecile (with thick ass African accent): Oh, Good Morning PA!.
ME: Good Morning! (I’m having a rather cheery morning)
Imbecile: By now you should be used to my voice
ME: Ummm?
Imbecile: You mean you don’t know who this is?
Me: Um. Not really.
Imbecile: Oh! I’m very hurt by that!
Me: OK
Imbecile: Oh! Molly! You African woman! You are going to be mean to me like that? *chuckle, chuckle*
Me: *fake chuckle, chuckle* (by now I’ve already figured out who it it) Is this ****?
Imbecile: HAHA Yes! You are so mean. You don’t even care. I tell you that you have hurt my feelings and you say ok?
ME: hahah(wishing this man would state the purpose of his call so I can move on with my life)
Imbecile: At least I’ve made your day right?
Me: (Sweet Jesus I'm I on punked?) Yes.
Imbecile: (With an air of pride that made me want to puke) That’s good. Last week when entering my time into the system I put in the wrong date. I put in week ending 07/30 but it was for last weeks hours.
Me: Yes. I noticed that you the timecard was post-dated
Imbecile: (Sounding irritated). You African woman! You knew I had made a mistake and you still didn’t call me to tell me?
Me: Well, actually I get some post-dated timecards from other contractors and I figured, if you post dated it and your manager approved it, then it must be correct.
Imbecile: No. No. it wasn’t you should have called to check
Me: *Silence* (inwardly I wanted to remind this fool that it’s his responsibility to hand in his timecard correctly. I have 300 people on my payroll. It’s up to them to give me correct timecards and up to me to get them paid. If you do something incorrectly and your manager backs it up, TOUGH LUCK! You loose SUCKER! Better luck next lifetime!)
Imbecile: Can you get me paid for those hours today? I have no money.
Me: (I’ll give you $100,000 for problems that I don’t give a shit about!) Sure. I’ll get in touch with Corporate to see if I can just pay it. But more likely that not you’ll have to go back in and enter it correctly. Let me have your # and I’ll let you know in about an hour…

Point of my story is why? Dear lord why? I promised never to drink again. I’ve been good. I was happy and now I just have a bad taste in my mouth!

Se habla Engles?

This 7-11 that I frequent is where I normally get gas as well as anything else that I need quickly. I'm familiar and friendly with most of the employees on all shifts at this location but within the past month or so, I noticed an Asian woman I'd never seen. She's in full 7-11 regalia thus my "not-so-sharp" mind determined that she's a new employee. I usually fill up my gas tank after I've finished my paper route which is normally before 5am. That's not a busy time for 7-11.

I go to the register with a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut and I tell her "$35.00 on number 1". The woman stares at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only 7 or 8 seconds. She motions with a hand gesture for her coworker to assist. The guy's is talking her through the transaction but essentially performs it himself as it becomes apparent to me that.....SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH. How do I know? On subsequent visits, she 'attempts' to handle my transaction but can't make her mouth form one word of English. 7-11 has fried chicken available between 4 and 5am (an odd time but it's good and salty so I get a couple of pieces once a week). During one visit, I ask her (while pointing) for 2 pieces of fried chicken. She looks at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only...well you get the idea. This time, her hand gesture for assistance goes unnoticed because her coworker is outside handling another task. The fact that SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH is causing me great frustration so I decide not to help her through the transaction. She looks at me again as though she has no idea what needs to be done. So I repeat, "I'll have 2 pieces of fried chicken". Blank stare. I rephrase my request (knowing she won't understand), "I'd like a couple of them drum sticks". Blank stare. No expression whatsoever. Not even a shoulder shrug. I realize I'm fighting a losing battle and the coworker doesn't appear to be returning to the store anytime soon. So I walk over to the enclosed dish spinner with the hot lights and point to the chicken while saying "two". She puts one piece in a container. I look at her and say "two" while holding up two fingers. Apparently, this isn't something that's universal because she has no idea what I'm requesting. By this time, I've been in the store and at the register for at least 8 minutes. I have to get home because I'm tired so I wave her over to the register to ring up what's on the counter. She stares at the register for seemingly 15 minutes but this time I don't believe I'm exaggerating as much. She must've looked at the thing and punched buttons on the screen for about 5 minutes all the while knowing darn well she was clueless. Her coworker finally comes back inside and I ask him for help. Boom, I'm out of the store in literally 45 seconds.

Now I realize that I can't deal with this woman ever again. Whenever I go into that particular 7-11 and she's at the register, someone must be at the other register so that I can stand in line and wait for that other sales associate. If the another associate isn't at the other register, then they have to be in the store so that I can proactively let them know that she'll need his/her help while handling my transaction. In fact, I was in there this morning. I brought up a 16oz. soda, a 16oz. bottled water and a small bag of chips. She handled the transaction and the total was $4.76. A little high I thought so I asked for the receipt. I received the blank stare again so I repeated "receipt?" with a hand motion indicating a piece of paper with writing. Blank stare then 5 or so minutes of staring at the register screen and pushing buttons as if something magical will happen. Her coworker comes to the rescue, prints the receipt and hands it to me. Before he walks away, I tell him that my total is wrong. I brought three items to the register and was charged for four. In her direction, the coworker points to my three items and points to the 4 items on the receipt. She smiles as though she understood her error so maybe there's progress.

Now let me ask... since she doesn't speak any English, how on earth was she hired? As I'm typing, I'm remembering that the store manager is also an Asian woman. Therefore, I can imagine that they spoke their native language during the interview and it's likely that the store manager didn't ask if she spoke any English (or maybe she doesn't care). The woman does not suffer from any form of mental retardation. She's not "slow". When I see her performing other tasks in the store (cleaning, stocking, managing food, etc), her actions are quick and deliberate. Therefore, I can tell that she has intelligence (yes, in my opinion, it takes intelligence to perform these tasks). So it's apparent that she simply DOES NOT KNOW ONE WORD OF ENGLISH.

Let me bring this rant to a close with the following. Not only do I not mind, but I like people from other nations living and working in the good ol' US of A. But you simply must speak SOME ENGLISH. Period. None of the workers in this 7-11 don't speak English clearly. I don't mind. Many times, I have to repeat something I've said 3 or 4 times before it's understood. I don't care. The ethnicities of the workers in this 7-11 include Indians, Mexicans, Ethiopians, Latinos and Asians. I repeat, none of them speak perfect English. I love them all. They're all fascinating if you engage them in conversation (even small talk). I don't mind struggling to understand some of the words they're speaking because they have something to say and it's something I want to hear. But how in the world could can I be expected to communicate with someone who doesn't speak a word of my native language in my country? Speak some English. A little will do. Doesn't have to be much. Learn one sentence a month. And he's another suggestion. If you're here and don't know the language, the first sentence you should learn is "I'm sorry but I don't know much English". Boom, that lowers any raising temperatures in me.

TIDBIT

Here's a petty thing that I let blow up in my mind to become mountainous...

I love people. I'm a people person. But don't test those limits. I bring a pair of sunglasses to a cash register so that I can make the purchase. The cashier is friendly enough. We start a small conversation (no one was behind me). She looks at my sunglasses and says something along the lines of "Wow, these are really nice. I think they'll look great on you". Everything is all well and fine but here's where she went wrong. SHE TRIED THEM ON. That's a no no as far as I'm concerned. There will be no trying on of the customer's purchases. Now mind you, sunglasses aren't clothes (it's more like an accessory). However, DO NOT TRY ON MY ACCESSORIES AT THE REGISTER. Do not try my hat. Do not try my gloves. Do not try my wrist watch. Do not try my jacket. Do not try my ties. Don't even put my hankerchiefs in your pocket to see how it looks. Luckily, it turned out that the sunglasses didn't have a barcode so I went back to the rack and got another pair.

CLOTHING IN A BUSINESS ENVIRONMENT

Let's talk about clothing in specifically in the business environment.

Let's start with flip flops. Ladies, there are some places that call for an actual shoe (sole, heel, toes covered, etc). Unless you're a life guard at a beach or pool, I can't think of another place of business where flip flops should be worn. If you're out on farm picking oranges, wear flip flops all you want but you certainly take the risk of snake bites. The sound they make is their biggest irritant. That "pap pap pap" sound they make against the heel of the wearer is extremely distracting in a business environment and they look terrible in my opinion. At the risk of plagiarizing a couple of news articles I read recently, it's as though someone "almost" got dressed before leaving home. This is especially true when paired with traditional business attire. I don't care how fancy the flip flop appears. They can be made by DKNY for all I care. It's still a nasty foot exposing, loud flip flop. I'll allow (oh yes, I did say "allow"!) them to be worn in a small office if your co-workers don't mind. But if the office has more than 3 people, I can't allow them to be worn. Also, I've encountered several females who think people want to see their feet. Newsflash, I don't like feet. I don't care how well they're pedicured. They're feet. You don't do anything with them besides walk so why would do you consider them to be so special? I've had female coworkers bring up the subject of their feet for no apparent reason other than to make an opportunity for them to be seen. Example...

Me: "Hey, we're ordering lunch from the Thai place down the street. Do you want anything?"
Female Coworker: "No thanks. I brought my lunch".
Me: "Ok".
FC: "I like Thai though". (before I can leave she says...) "I really think I need a pedicure" and then she takes a foot out of its shoe and wiggles her toes. I refuse to look but I can tell what's happening through peripheral vision.
Me: (Blank stare directly at her face) "So?"

I must be an island to myself because in my current place of employment, flip flops are being worn as if that's THE required foot apparel. It's annoying and with some of these ladies, it's quite disgusting. As an aside, a former buddy of mine once told me that he was on a first date with a female who said to him verbatim "see my cute feet?". If I'm not mistaken, his reply was "naw dawg, that's aight".

Now let's talk about clothing above the foot. 99.98912% of men in their place of employment wear shoes, socks, pants, usually long sleeve shirts if not jackets and ties. If a tie isn't required, then the shirt is buttoned up to the second button from the top and underneath is usually a t-shirt. So what skin do you see on a male at work? If he's wearing a short sleeve shirt, you see his forearms. Other than that, you see his hands and his face. What about females? I see tank tops, skirts (below and above the knee), spaghetti straps (what?), tube tops (excuse me?) and those gawd-awful flip flops and open toed shoes. If I owned my own business, my blanket policy would be you cover up as much skin as possible. I don't want to see arms above the elbows, shoulders, cleavage, ankles, legs, thighs nor feet. With hard bottomed shoes being the exception, I hate noisy clothes. The flip flop "pap pap"? Don't test me. The "schwish schwish" of bell bottom jeans? Don't get yourself hurt. If your shirt is making a "whoosh whoosh" sound under the arms, loose some weight.

Clothes that are too tight on either gender is unacceptable but this is especially true for men. Gentlemen, those polo shirts you've had since college graduation? Guess what, you can't fit them any longer. Notice I didn't say "THEY don't fit YOU any longer". The reason? It's not the shirt's fault that you've gotten bigger. People aren't fools. Those aren't muscles bulging under the shirts. You don't look sexy. You look stupid. Those dress shirts whose collars are now 1/2 to 1 size to small causing all of the blood in your body to be trapped in your head? They can now be used to dust your furniture. I don't have a problem with you being fat but for goodness sakes, wear clothes that fit properly. Come of the river known as "denial". Those pants where the legs no longer extend past the ankle (a.k.a. highwaters)? They are to be tossed. Don't even give them to charity. Gentlemen, choose your color (and I emphasize YOUR color) wisely. If you look sickly in yellow, that's a color you can't wear. If you look like a strawberry dipped marshmellow in pink, that's a color you can't wear. Stick with neutral colors. If your sweaters are full of fuzz balls, have them defuzzed or they are to be tossed. And stop wearing those sweaters with 1000 colors and designs. Those aren't something that all men can wear. This isn't the '80s and you aren't Bill Cosby.

***special thanks to Tommy for coming up with this! Hilarious! Vent on!! I LOVE it!***

4:59pm on a Friday afternoon

Useless character(UC): Hi. I was having problems with my timesheet entry
Payroll Admin(PA): (ahhh Shit! NOT at 4:59pm!On a friday? Hot damn some people are soo inconsiderate!) Oh yeah? Whats's the problem?
UC: Everytime I enter it into the system it's paying me at the wrong pay rate. I had a similar problem a few weeks ago and you forwarded me to nameless lady at corporate. Could you please hold for a moment?
PA: Sure...(by now it's already 5:02pm..such nerve!)
*4 minutes later*
UC: Thank you for holding. It's a busy Friday night. (oh so this fool knows what day it is). Anyway, now when I enter the time into the system it's paying me at $125/hr but I'm trying to input it for $900. I know I'm doing something wrong. Puttin in the wrong code or something
PA: ok. What code are you puttin into the system?
UC: I don't know.
PA: I'm looking at your last two checks and it looks like you were paid at $125 rate but I would need the code info from you to figure out what you are doing wrong
UC: Well see, I'm not near a computer right now. So I can't tell what option I pick out.
PA: Ok. Thats the only way I can tell. Also, since you are entering the wrong code, in order for me to pay the right rate, you'd have to call nameless lady at corporate to fix it in the system. She's the only one who can go in the system and switch it around.
UC: (laughing sheepishly) Yes. You had told me the same thing when this happened a few wks ago. I guess I shouldda just called her before calling you at this time on a Friday huh?
PA: hahaha. No. Thats quite alright. Let me know if there is anything else I can assist you with.
UC: Thank you. Have a good weekend
PA:(UGH! Die slowly!) U huh. thank you. You too. Bye

5:12pm!
Goodness gracious I need some alcohol!!!

Text msg from a higher power

It has recently come to my knowledge that everyone(most of) I work for/ with thinks that god sends me a text msg to tell me EVERYTHING!

Crazy Buffoon(CB): PA, oblivious contractor has worked for the past two weeks and he hasn’t been paid. Why haven’t you paid him? ( because I’m the kind of evil bastard who just likes to not pay some people from time to time. It’s just how I do things! What do you think?)
PA(Trying to figure out who oblivious contractor is..): Who?
CB: OBLIVIOUS CONTRACTOR!
PA: Where does he work?
CB: Nowhere important!
PA: What’s his position?
CB: Seats on his ass and makes over a hundred gees(getting increasingly irritated by my questions. But I have to ask)
PA: I haven’t received any sort of correspondence from him be it timecards or expense reports.
CB: WHY NOT? (Because I told him I would kick his ass if he contacted me in anyway! Ask him! I don’t know! Shouldn’t he be the concerned fool calling me because he’s been working for us and hasn’t received a paycheck since his start date? )
PA: *silence*
CB: Have you called him?
PA: (well considering 5 seconds ago I didn’t even know who he was…) No. But I will in a few minutes.
CB: Make that as soon as you get off this call and let me know what he says
PA: Sure.

5 minutes, a v-mail and email sent later

PA: I just left him a v-mail and followed up with an email so hopefully he will respond by Monday.
CB: You should get him paid as soon as possible. (NO SHIT!)
PA: Yes. As soon as he sends me an approved timecard, I’ll pay him.
CB: Make sure of that
PA: (Thinking of different ways of saying I HEARD YOU! Without being rude). Sure.

Apparently I forgot to read the text msg that god sent me telling me that oblivious contractor is an employee at my branch, started working 2 wks ago, is too lazy to send me his timecards and get paid like everybody else so I have to chase him around so I can give him his money. Forgive me father for I have sinned! UGHHHHHHHHH!

paper cut of the week

For the past three weeks all my contractors pay stabs have had a notice that says

“Due to Holiday week, direct deposit will be delayed. Please be sure to turn in your timecards by Friday May 26th for timely payment.”

Off course the language used is not easy enough for some of the most simple minded people I have to deal with.

Stupid Contractor (CS) calls on Tuesday: Hi, I just wanted to verify that you got my timecard on Friday and that my $$ will be in my account tomorrow
Payroll Admin (PA..aka Me) : I’m sorry CS but the last three pay stabs have informed you that since Monday was a national holiday, you direct deposit will be running late this week
CS: (raising her voice and getting nasty) Yeah but I faxed my timecard on Friday so I assumed that you would process it on Friday and pay me on time!!
PA: well, **** unless you work Saturday and Sunday, you are supposed to send me your timecard on Fridays. Payroll is processed on Mondays. Since Yesterday was a public holiday, the banks were closed so we couldn’t process payroll anyway.
CS: (louder) NAH AH! That’s not good enough! I need to have that $$ in my account tomorrow. A gat checks rolling in I can’t have non-o-that. You need to get this fixed I faxed in my timecard on Friday so I should have been paid by Sunday.
PA: Actually. That’s not how it works. Your pay stubs clearly stated that you check will be late so…
CS: (cuts me short) NO! I need that $$ in my account tomorrow. Something needs to be done!
PA: (calm and short) Miss ______ I’m sorry there is nothing that I can do for you at this point. If you would like to contact the corporate office or my boss to confirm this info I would be more than happy to provide their phone numbers.

*hangs up on me*

Good gosh some people are just so exasperating! I don’t understand it. Every week someone finds a new way of being the paper-cut in my life.