Wednesday, May 16, 2007

This is why I'm hot

Judy Jetson(JJ): Good Afternoon this is *******
Spidey Dolt(SD): (Thick accent) Good Afternoon. May I speak with Judy Jetson?
JJ: This is she.
SD: Ohhhh...JuuuDy!!! Happppy New Year!
JJ: *puzzled silence followed by* Happy new year to you too.
**silently contemplating suicide..or homicide...or suicide..or...homicide...or suici....**
Oh! Look at you. You don't even know who this is (ohh you bet your annoying a$$ I do!) This is Spidey Dolt!
JJ: Hello Spidey (feigning the slightest hint of amusement)
SD: Hello Judy. Can I ask you a question?
JJ: (You already did!!!!) Sure what's up?
SD: If I took money out of my 401k....
JJ:Oh that would have to be handled at corporate through our benefits department.
SD: Oh. Yes. You told me that the last time I called. Is it still *****?
JJ: Yes.
Is her number still 111-222-3334
JJ: (Hmm..Let me see. You called about this 3 months ago, I told you to call the same benefits department and gave you the same name. Do you effin see a pattern her?) Sure. Yes. Her number is 111-222-3334 (Four the upteenth time you mo-fo!)
SD: Ohh. OK. Thank you Judy.
JJ: You're welcome. Have a great afternoon.

Who is Spidey Dolt you ask???

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Typical day in Hedes

I got a call from one of my clients asking about my company’s (Satans Kitchen) hiring procedures because he had a foreign contractor he wanted to add to his staff. So I sent the email below.
Hi Big Boss Man,
Attached is the ___ form as promised. On page three of the form isthe list of acceptable documents. Contractors either need to have one form of ID from list A or two forms of ID one from list B and one from list C. I hope that helps. Please let me know if you have any further questions.
Thank you,
Peee Ayye!

So he forwards the email to the candidate along with the msg:

Hi El- Stupido,
Per our discussion. Please contact Pee Ayye at Satans Kitchen if you require additional information.

Big Boss Man

El-Stupido then takes her cue and sends me the email below:

Hello Peee Ayye,
I am have been working for ***** for 9 years, training for 5 of thoseyears(STOP! please hold while I polish your Oscar) and will be working as a private training consultant in August. I am not sure how much Big Boss Man has told you about me and future opportunities training with satans kitchen?Can you help me understand the process?

El- Stupido

At this point I’m thinking..WTF?

Hi El- Stupendous,
Mr Big Boss Man didn't tell me much about you. He had asked me what documentation weneeded in order to hire someone who wasn't a citizen on our payroll.I had sent him the __ form (attached). Please review page 3 of the __ form.It shows all the necessary documentation. You either need one from List A ora combination of one ID from list B and another from list C. If you have anyfurther questions, please give me a call.
Thank you,

Peee Ayye

I thought all was clear and rainbows were starting to form in my skys when I got this:

Hello Peee Ayye,
What is the process you have gone though in the past when hiring anyone from **** or any other country outside of ***? In regard to the attached form, this does not help me understand the process asI am a ***** citizen and therefore do not have the documents mentioned.Any insight would be helpful.
Thank you,
El- Stupido.

How many different ways can I explain to El- Stupendous that it is what it is…I need is what I need? If you don’t have the documents then that means you need to get them…..simple..In my opinion(and a rather humble one by the way) I was very clear…. WAS I FREAKING NOT? People like her make satans kitchen is what it is!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

You know you're having a bad day when.....

I was at the airport last night waiting for my one-and-only's delayed flight so I decided to make a restroom stop.

Everyone left and I was alone in the restroom.As I was washing my hands over the sink a custodian/janitor/maintenance engineer comes in. She looks about 38-43(you know the tough age for women when you aren't a fossil but you are so close to being one you might as well be?), bad stringy hair..just having a rough time basically. The minute she walks in she exclaims: "why is it so hard for you trick mutha****** to keep a bathroom clean? DAMN! DAMN! I just cleaned this bathroom" Pause while walking around
"You mutha***** can't clean up after yourselves!"

Meanwhile, a 55year old woman walks in talking on her cell phone followed by her mother(im assuming) who was so old she needed a walker to get around...The custodian looks at her and goes "there they go, trick a$$ mutha****** walking in here talking on they damned cell phones! mmmm hmmmm!" as the 55year old walked past her and her mother was walking a lot slower (DUH!) and in the way of the custodian who was on her way out she goes "YEAH! Trick a$$ mutha***** taking your sweet damned time like I aint got sh!t to do!" (I swear..I'm not even kidding) Then she walks out mumbling all sorts of curses and when she's outside the door I hear her say "......making me work extra...... Lord help me 4 I kill somebody! Trick a$$ mutha******" and she walks back into the bathroom with her big cart walks into the first stall and goes "THEY ALREADY DONE FINISHED THE TOILET PAPER! DAMN THESE TRICK A&& MUTHA*****!" at which point I sprinted out of the bathroom in tears because I couldn't hold the laughter in any longer... I was really scared of her but at the same time I couldn't believe her tantrum..... I mean she must have known we could CLEARLY hear her......WHO DOES THAT?

Gee, I wonder what kind of day she was having....

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Vivid narrative

Some perv wrote the article below for Mens style magazine about Justin Timberlake...I mean is it even about Justin Timberlake?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Too Tacky to be true

I was doing my usual browsing through my favorite blogs when I came across the above pictures!! Oh my goodness! Luckily I had a barf bag close to me.

For more pictures from this classy and tasteful wedding, check out The Trixies page. What's the difference between being classy and being tacky anyway?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

You get an E for Effort!

PA: Good Morning, this is *******
None Other Than(NOT): Hey PA it’s NOT. I didn’t get my check yesterday so I missed my hair appointment and now they don’t have another hair appointment available for a whole week. But that’s not your fault(No $h!t). I think it’s because Monday was a holiday(presidents day).
PA: The system shows that your check was mailed out on Tuesday as it they normally are.
NOT: Yeah. I figured as much. It’ll probably be in the mail today.
PA: Yes. Hopefully.
NOT: All right. That’s all. Thank you.
PA: You’re welcome.

*** Somehow, I think that whole phone conversation could have been avoided! and telling me about your hair appointment doesn't make the situation any more serious in my mind. This woman is driving me crazy. How can one person be so needy?****

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

glass ceiling

For some reason, women make up about 70% to 80% of my entire company. It might have something to do with the whole Womens Business something something that we are part of, but pretty much everyone I know is female. Especially at corporate.

Most if not all these females are total bitches! They are the most inconsiderate, emotional and moody fuckers I've ever had to deal with. Granted I've never met any of them since I come from a small branch and there are 35branches all over the country, but I still get to correspond with them through email and whatnot and I have to say...ITS NOT FUN.

I hate all of them. Bitches!

Working for this company makes me realise why there is a glass ceiling concept and that coming from a woman is a SAD thing. But too many women in the work place definately spoil the broth.

Everyone is trying to proove just how important they are. Everyone is such a princess and they think that everyone elses lives revolves around them...but guess what bitches? IT DOESNT.

My advise to these bitches is GROW. THA.FUCK.UP!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I cant say that I hate you.... defines the word idiot as:

Main Entry: idiot
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: stupid
Synonyms: ass, blockhead, boob, booby, cretin, dimwit, donkey, dork, dumb ox, dumbbell, dunce, dunderhead, fool, halfwit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, jerk, kook*, meathead, mental defective, moron, nincompoop, ninny*, nitwit, pinhead*, pointy head, simpleton, stupid, tomfool, twit*, yo-yo
Antonyms: genius, intellectual
Notes: an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years

I really had NO idea! Who’s the idiot now? Using words I don’t understand…

Anyway…reason I was looking it up was…I had the following conversation 2 minutes ago

Nincompoop (otherwise known as Anns-new-self-annointed-mngr/contractor) calls and says: Hey is Ann there?

Me: No. She’s out to lunch. Would you like her voicemail?

Nincompoop: No. I just wanted to tell her that I’m leaving at 3pm (mind you she already told Ann that this morning).

Me: Ok. Sure. I’ll let her know.

Nincompoop: Also, can you fax me a timecard?

Me: (rolling my eyes cuz I hate it when they do this..but ok with it because she doesn’t abuse me with this all the time anyway…) Sure. Whats your fax number

Nincompoop: *as if to add salt to injury, Lets out a long drawn out groan…like uggghhhh!* You don’t have it?

Me: Nope!

Nincompoop: *Uggghhhhh!* Ok. Fine. Let me call you back!

Me: Ok.

Some people are too stupid to hate.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Crack is whack!

I always give my new hires a paper that says the following:
Your position with XXX and its client is dependent upon successfully passing a pre-employment drug screening. You will need to take the enclosed XXX chain of custody form along with picture ID to a collection facility to have this test performed.

Please call 1-800-XXX-XXXX to obtain the closest collection sites to you.
Option 1: “location for urine drug screen location” followed by
Option 1: “Urine drug screen location facility” then
Option 2: “all other drug screen facilities”
Enter your 5 digit zip code

Or, you can visit to get drug screen locations online.

I received the following phone call today.

Not-So-Smart (NSS): Hi, I was wondering if you guys knew of any drug testing locations near you.
Payroll Administrator(PA): You mean close to this office?
NSS: Yes
PA: I don’t know of which particular ones are close to this office but I can give you our zipcode to look it up.
PA: Along with your drug testing form, I gave you a paper that gives you detailed instructions on how to find a location close to you by entering your zipcode.
NSS: SO you don’t know of any facilities close to you?
PA: I don’t physically go to any of these drug testing locations. So. No. But I can give you our Zipcode and you can either call the 800 # to find out or find it online. Would you like me to give you my zipcode?
NSS: No. I have it right in front of me.
PA: Alright. All you have to do is call the 800 number and you’ll find locations by entering the zipcode. Or visit the website if you like.
NSS: um hmmm. Thank you(with an attitude that I don’t need)
PA: Um hmmm(mirroring her). Thank you. Have a wonderful day.