Thursday, May 18, 2006

Overly defensive fuckers!

People who get overly defensive over the wrong things annoy me. Example: someone says something about the way UMD men dress (neither positive nor negative. just a simple statement) and this is what follows
IM (Idiot Man): Would you rather wear our pants on our knees like rappers or would you rather we wear our pants so tight like 'white boys'?
Me: Idiot man why are you so defensive. What Kelly was saying was neither positive nor negative. Why do you always act like you have a poker up your butt?
IM: Why do you always have to bring up the gay sh*t? Anyway, I'd rather have a poker up my a$$ than a d*** any day!


First of all, being defensive about the way you dress when no ones attacking you...WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second, 'poker up your butt' is a figure of speech. Taking it literally....WRONG!!!!!!!
Lastly, for any straight man, there is no such thing as rather have this or that up their you-know-whats! It's just not an option! So telling me your preference and invertedly exposing your sexual preference...........WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGHHH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Ode to my money maker

Oh hail thee queen of Sheba
You selfish,nausea inducing sycophantic freak.
Even when you kiss my ass I know you’re not being true
Hail thee Morticia Adams.
You ravenous female dog
You think you’re exciting but I say you’re mind-numbing
For all the hell you are putting me through
Hail to the mother of all evil,
The daughter of Sodom and Gomorrah
The reason behind my anger.
Hail you who encompasses malevolence
The principle of the underworld
The director of scum.
For all the obscenities I can’t spew your way
For all the wasteful tasks I’ve had to complete,
For your incompetent, ineffectual hogwash

Oh hail thee Queen of Sheba!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Seventy Five?

It was 4:24pm (I get off work at 4:30pm) and I was about to mail out something when I realized that I was out of overnight envelops. BUMMER! I don’t even know where they come from. So I call my courier company’s customer service and this is the conversation I had:

CSA (Customer Service Agent): Thank you for calling ______. How may I help you?
Me: Hi. My account # is _____ and I was wondering if this is the correct number to call to order more supplies. I’ve run out envelops and would like to have more mailed out to me.
CSA: Ok. No problem. You want “Express Envelops”
Me: Yes
CSA: How many?
Me: How many are in a pack?
CSA: 25
ME: ok. I want 3 packs please
CSA: That would be 75 envelops.
Me: (Thanks for the unnecessary display of your math skills) Yes. 75 envelops.
CSA: Ok. I’m putting in your order for 75 (Stresses the 75 as though I said 7500) envelops
Me: Yes. (It’s not like you are sending them to my home for personal use. You’re sending them to a company. 75 aren’t that many! In fact I should be ordering more!!!!!)
CSA: Anything else?
Me: Yes. I’d also like to order some mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. Sure. How many?
Me: (Let see Miss I-Know-All-About-Math I’m ordering 75 envelops, take a lucky guess how many labels I would want) how many are in a pack?
CSA: They come in bulk. Each pack has about 1500 mailing labels so if you want less than that you’ll have to give me a number like say 5 or 10.
Me: (Why would I order 10 when I have 75 envelops coming my way?) Ok. Please send me 75 labels.
CSA: 75?(sounding confused)
Me: (By now I’m so frustrated by this lady! And it’s 4:34pm) yes. Ma’am. 75 mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. I’ve put in your order for 75 envelops and 75 mailing labels. Is there anything else?
Me: No thanks. Thank you. Good bye!!!!

@ 4:37pm. Something tells me that this conversation shouldn’t have taken 13minutes! Why are some people so slow? WHYYYYYY????????????

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

More like Joseph Iscariort!

He was 6"5, buff(about 230lbs) and flaming gay!(In my opinion)...a co-worker who had called me on a random Friday night wanting to "hang out". Since I wasn't doing much, I decided to go over to his place and meet his mum who was visiting from West Africa and he wanted her to meet some of his friends(me included). I drive over to his place and he's all dressed up(shirt and slacks) while Im wearing jeans and sneakers. I say a quick hallo to his mum who is standing in the driveway while he starts walking towards my car. He gets in and tells me to drive.

Me: Where are we going Mark: Don't worry. Just drive. You’ll see Me: Ok. Small talk for a little bit Mark: So do you read the bible? Me: HAHAHA! What? (I thought he was trying to be funny)Mark: Yeah. Do you read the bible? Are you religious? Me: No Not really but I do have a bible in my glove compartment that my brother put in my car Mark: Oh great. Let me get it. This was followed by about 2hrs of the man preaching to me about being religious and more importantly becoming a 7th day Adventist because all other religious (Christian or otherwise) are wrong. I was confused by what his intentions were and I hoped he would stop and be normal again but he kept going on and on while I’m contemplating suicide…maybe first degree murder..either way it seemed as though one of us needed to go.
I thought it was hilarious that all this was coming from a male model…and when I asked him how being a male model fits into his religion he says “I see myself as a modern day Joseph. Joseph was good looking and well-toned and a lot of the women in his town wanted him but he didn’t fall into temptation. He instead married a virgin.”...WHAT THA CRAP? I felt like I was in the twilight zone. He was totally normal at work and then BAM! Then he started telling me how he only dates people from his religion and how I should consider converting and that’s when I realized that I was on a date!The realization that I was on a date made that fateful Friday evening so much worse than it already was.

Monday, May 08, 2006

A new kind of asshole.

I got a call from our corporate offices letting me know that one of our customers had been paying us for an employee’s hour but we haven’t been paying the employee. I looked in his folder and didn’t find any timecards. Next step according to standard protocol would be to contact the employee to verify that he did indeed work. Which he did. Where are his timecards? His manager has them. So I leave a voicemail for him manager asking for the timecard and he calls me back all irate asking me why I don’t have the timecards!
WTF? I’m confused wondering why this irritating man is shouting at me and what the crap I’m supposed to say to him. I mean how do you answer that question and not spew out all sorts of expletives at him and his mother (for bringing this evil bastard to the planet). Anyway he goes off on a tirade about how he doesn’t understand why my company doesn’t have a better system so that this problem would have been caught a few weeks ago…well the only way I know someone didn’t get paid is when they call me and tell me that they didn’t get paid and apparently this contractor makes so much money he didn't realise that he hasnt gotten paid in 3wks!!!so this man is out of his mind. I tried suggesting a fix for future problems where I would email him every Monday and I confirm that I’ve received the timecards and his response was that he has 5 contractors who have 5 different systems and the last thing he needs is for me to make his job harder by adding another step to his work….

I cant believe this fool. He was just a classic case. I have never spoken to anyone who irritated me that much….UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Just when you think that you have witnessed every form of human decay this planet has to offer, you get a wake up call and it's a slap from the gate keeper of hedes saying "MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHA"

People suck!

Atkins is the new pink

for me at least.

For the past month I've been working out about 4 to 6 times a week and semi-dieting but haven't been able to loose any weight. Initially my plan was to loose 7lbs by May 26th but it looks like my dream is dwindling into thin air so I did what every desparate girl in need does.

I'm going on ATKINS. Yes...High protein, no carb diet. I tried the whole high protein low carb thing and that didn't work very well. Today is my first day and I just ate two cheeseburgers....I can eat as many chicken wings as I want, I can pig out on cheese and still be within the limits of my diet..eggs...aahhhh all the yum yums of this world! I LOVE IT!

I'm doing it for 2wks because I'm desparate to loose the 7lbs and look SMOKING . I want my hott body to say..EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT FUCKERS! I'M BACK AND I'M SMoKING HOTT.DEAL WITH IT! That's my ammunition. Now lets see how this goes...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Small talk

Why do we do it? Why do we bother? Who is the super genius who thought of this as a way to fill in moments of silence between strangers. Whatever happened to strangers remaining strangers? Why do I have to make small talk in some of the most awkward situations? If you step on my foot why can’t you say “sorry” and move on while I wince and curse under my breathe? Why is it that women like to talk to each other in the bathrooms? Why can’t we have the “eyes forward, mind your own business” rule that men have? Why do I have to talk to the guy behind me in line at the grocery store? What’s so wrong with getting my food and walking out of SAFEWAY without speaking to anyone who doesn’t work there?