Thursday, August 31, 2006

Craigslist epidemic...part 2

A friend of mine tells me she's been searching and posting on Craigslist to find dates and it's been going well. While I'm not looking to date, I'm still curious about what she's seeing. So I log on and start scanning the "women seeking men" links. Most of the post do not have pictures but they're written in a fairly interesting manner so I imagine that I'd reply if I were looking. But lately, I've been seeing posts that are borderline horrifying. The title of one post says she's a...

"Cute Beach Girl 4 Great Guy...".

I open the link and read the post. It goes something along the lines of...

"I'm a cute beach girl seeking a great guy.....for friendship and whatever else. I'm bored in my small boring town; I've gone back to school part time (business student)and I'd love to find someone to make my life a little more interesting. Want to know about me? I'm 5'9 and fit and athletic. I enjoy long walks with my dog; I love the beach,relaxing with a book. I'm a homebody by nature, and I like to play Scrabble and shoot pool whenever I can. I don't smoke,drink socially,and you can rarely find me trolling the bars."

Then I scroll down to see her picture. Where do I begin? First, it's only a headshot taken on a webcam with bad lighting. But an individual with an eye for detail can discern a lot from just this type of shot. Cute? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Why lie about your looks? Fit? Athletic? If you saw the headshot picture, you'd see that her neck has about 4 breadrolls and is wider than an 18 wheeler. She's not fooling anyone. She's closer to 322lb.

I saw another post along the same lines. It's title is...

"Lovely Latina Seeking....."

and it says...

"seeking good conversation, nights out on the town, dinner and a movie, or meet for a couple of drinks after work. I like museums, comedy clubs or exploring the city together. I am a 39 y.o., TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman) and comfortable with the skin I'm in. I love to dress up or dress down, either way I can dress for the occasion. I am new to the area and I am just looking for now. If you are the right man maybe we can become great friends or more. But for now I am just looking to see who is out there and if we connect. I'm a professional woman who works for a large international law firm in DC and live in Alexandria. I am open minded, down to earth, easy going, sweet, honest, kind and caring, likes to laugh and have a good time. I have a great sense of humor. I prefer brotha's or Hispanic men between the ages of 30 and 50. I have dated interracially for many many years and this is what I prefer. I prefer maturity, a man who has goals and knows what he wants out of life. Someone who knows how to hold down a conversation and someone that can connect with me on many different levels".

TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman)? Let's discuss this TBW more popularly known as BBW (Big Beautiful Woman). First, the word fat is not a curse word. If you're fat, use FBW (Fat Beautiful Woman). Big, thick, large can be used if you're not obese. Otherwise, you're FAT. Also, if we're strictly looking in terms of physical features, your being fat doesn't make you beautiful. The two are mutually exclusive. Mind you, BBW is a true acronym for many women but it doesn't apply to fat women. Female bodybuilders or female basketball players can use big or thick. Fat is certainly big but big isn't necessarily fat. I've noticed that most of the females who use BBW usually follow it with something along the lines of "...and I'm comfortable in my skin" like the post above says. You never read a post from a truly fit, athletic or slim female that says "I'm slim and I'm fine with that". The reason? Because if you're truly comfortable "in your FAT skin", it doesn't need to be said. You're responding to a question that no one has asked. When was the last time someone asked you "hey, are you comfortable being fat?". When Oprah Winfrey was fat, you knew she was uncomfortable. Aretha Franklin is twice as big as Oprah ever was but Aretha is completely comfortable with her size. Speaking specifically about the "Lovely Latina" post, outside of those already mentioned (TBW, comfortable being fat, etc), she made a number of mistakes. She mentions "liking to dress up for the occasion". Only children mention liking to dress up. She mentions being a professional in a large law firm. Is she a lawyer? Undoubtedly the answer is no. Have you ever heard a lawyer, an administrative assistant or another professional office worker mention "liking to dress up?" She probably works in the lobby checking i.d. badges. Worse yet, she may in fact be the coat checker. Can you be a professional coat checker? What's so difficult about taking someone's coat, putting it on a hanger and giving them a claim tag? Further, she says she would like someone who can "hold down a conversation". Hold down a conversation? I don't even know what you say. Does she think spelling the word 'thick' as 'thyck' will show someone she's able to 'hold down a conversation'?

Come ladies stop lying to yourselves because you're not fooling anyone.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Craigslist epidemic...part 1

I feel that it is a civic duty of mine to inform everyone (or at least anyone who reads this blog) of a new epidemic that's hitting the internet.....THE CRAIGSLIST EPIDEMIC.

My friend Tommy is always surfing craigslist and looking for interesting things such us bands that need members (he plays the guitar) and many other random things. Lately he's been forwarding some craigslist listings for my review because some of these people are truly bizarre.

Case in point:
BE AFRAID; BE VERY AFRAID (this is the real subject of the posting)

Reply to:
Date: 2006-08-22, 7:28AM EDT
Is there a man in the Baltimore region who is not afraid of a sexy, intelligent, loving woman? Then maybe you're looking for ME. I am a 49-year-old professional woman with an incredible sense of humor and capacity for affection. I am looking to shower that affection on a nice, regular guy who knows how to please a woman. Younger men are always a turn-on, but age and size does not really matter, as long as you're young at heart and giving. Drop me a line and let's see what happens.

The ad is then followed by a pukeworthy photograph of her 350lbs self.

First of all....Be afraid? Be very afraid? She is rather beastly, admits it with that 'be afraid, very afraid' title then as if her own beastliness confused her, turns right around and says she had 'lots' to offer. Lots of what? Beastliness? Who's into beast women?

What upsets me about her bestiality (ooppps! I think that came out wrong...... did it?) is the fact that she put her picture up.... I'm pretty sure with a dollar store photo frame, that picture could find a very warm and loving place....IN A NURSING HOME!
Yeah dude/ duddette! (I can't tell....she's so manly looking) We get it...You're 49. You're OLD! Don't show it to us. That's the whole point of online dating. We lie to each other, we give the rest of the world an opportunity to fantasize about how perfect the person might be and then when it comes to meeting the person, that's when Murphy's Law kicks in and she shows up! But it would be nice to have that 5 seconds when I think... "hmmm..maybe she looks like Demi Moore" Those five minutes when I say "Vivica Fox is 45 and she's still hotter than a mug" Is there a chance that she would be on craigslist and look like either one of these two lovely ladies, NO! But it's nice to dream. So grandma....Not only are you hideous, in dire need of a diet or two, desperate and just plain WACK..... You're a dream stealer... and that in my opinion is a bigger offense than anything else.

And lastly, "Be afraid, be very afraid"? "I have lots of love to offer and shower someone with"? Is craigslist supposed to be OXYMORON central? Everyone there says something and then turns right back around and says the opposite. It's like a kid in a candy store overwhelmed with the choices...then again...wait...that example IS an oxymoron because if these hags had that much choice, they wouldn't be so desperate-on-craigslist.

Here's a suggestion Ms. I'm 49 and got lots of love to share....BUY A CLUE!!! And the clue of the day is...........drum roll please.................................................................OXYMORON!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 17, 2006


A woman and her ever-clueless husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Repetition for emphasis

It's a pre-requirment that all my contractors pass their drug tests before they can be hired....Someone always gets caught with their pants down and more often than not..they know they are going to get caught(makes you wonder why they take the test anyway). Last week someone didn't know they were going to get caught.

Friday August 04, 2006
PA a.k.a ME(to contractors manager/Man in charge): Hi! I just wanted to let you know that dolt did not pass her drug test and we therefore will not be bringing her on to our staff.
Man in charge(MIC): What?
MIC: Ohh ok. I'll let her know.
PA: thank you. bye.

Monday Aug 07, 2006
MIC: Hi I just spoke with Dolt and she informed me that she's on prescription medications and I just wanted to let you know that thats why she failed her test.
PA: Oh. Alright. By law the drs usually call the contractor to inform them that they failed the test and this gives them a chance to contest the results before the are release the their employer(ME)
**repetetion from MIC to Dolt and mumbling from Dolt**
MIC: She says she didn't get a call from anybody informing her (Is it by any chance because she was high and therefore doesnt remember the phone call now?)
PA: All that she can do now is get written confirmation from her Dr and take it to the drug testing company and contest the results.
MIC: Allright I'll let her know.

Tuesday August 08, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt and her Dr's office on the line and they would like to verify that they did indeed prescribe the medications that came up on the results.
PA(to the 10 people on the phone call): allright. For that you would have to contact the drug company and inform them that the medications were prescribed and they will let you know what to do next. Their number is 1-800-eat-shit.
Dr's office: Can we just fax the prescription to you?
Me: No. that would have to be done through the drug testing company.
MIC: Dolt, did you get that?
Dolt: Yes. I did. thank you.

Wednesday August 09, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt right here with me in my office with a letter from her Dr outlining all the medications they have put her on with a signature and a Dr's seal.
PA: Ok. Tell Dolt to take it to the Drug Test Company and tell them that she's contesting the results and give them that info.
MIC: Ok. I'll have her do that. thank you.

At this point I think MIC is the one on drugs! how many times do I have to repeat the same thing in the same monotone before they truly understand that it's not part of my job description, nor I'm I qualified to make such assesments?

HOW MANY? Five bucks says I'll hear from MIC tommorow again....Oh i cant wait!

Friday, August 04, 2006


This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to dois help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Best Buy is having a ridiculous DVD sale. I went into the Reston Town Center store after work and almost had a heart attack. I could've easily spent $300 on DVDs with no problem. They're selling movies for as low as $3.99. And I mean good movies.

At one point, I had about 15 movies in my hand. I've never used one in Best Buy but yesterday I got close to picking up a hand basket. With all of those movies in my hand, I finally realized that I can't possibly justify purchasing them all. So now comes the big decision time. Which movies do I keep and which do I return? I felt like a crack addict. My palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. My mind had 3000 thousand thoughts all going simultaneously. "Someone told me this one is good so I should keep it but how do I know we have similar tastes?" "I've seen this one but I really really want it but I already seen it but I really want it". "Oh my goodness, I've never heard of this one but it really looks good".

Ultimately I only bought 3 (House Of Flying Daggers $6.99, The Bourne Supremacy $6.99 and Hostel $8.99) because, well, I wanted to be able to drive, eat, wash clothes and have at least a little fun with my daughter this month. So I had to calm down. I've always loved Best Buy but now, I don't know whether I should slap them or ask for the chain's hand in marriage for making go through that torture.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

God gave us family..........

I come from a family of four. Three girls, one lonely boy. Three of us live here(in the US of A) and one of my sisters lives continents away. She is currently visiting 'us' and since both my other siblings live in the same city, she set up camp over there which means I have to get off my fat ass and visit her highness(which I don't mind at all!). It's really expensive to get a last minute ticket from where I am to Waxahachie so I sent a text msg(dont you just love technology) to my brother and my other sister who lives here. Keep in mind that I'm a last born and fairly young(georgeous, fabulous..the list goes on)

"I would like to come to Waxahachie but can't afford to. The ticket is about ****. Can you chip in to help?"

43 minutes later I get a call from my sister.

Kin(my sister): Hey
Me: Hey
Kin: Whats up? Whats this about a ticket?
Me: Yeah. It's really expensive and I can't afford it
Kin: How much is it?
Me: $***
Kin:How much do you have?
Me: $***
Kin: So where are you going to get the rest of the money?
Me: Did you call to ask me that? I send you a text msg asking for financial help and you call me to ask me where the $$ is going to come from?
Kin: What? You don't want to talk to me?
Me: **Silence**
Kin: Whatever. I'm going to work.
Me: Bye.
Kin: Bye.

Ohhhhhhh my good God! WTF just happened there? Thank heavens I choose my friends!

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Q: This condition you have... does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A:! By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____ __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?!
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.