Pearls of Stupidity

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

*****Thanks Jen!*****

one hour fifteen minutes later

I just flew from DC to ATL and the contrast is numbing. It was hot and humid in DC but in ATL, I can't even breath! this is ridiculous! Also, while I'm at it, why is Hartfield so congested? I've never been to such a crowded airport.

PMS

I have always considered myself a feminist but recently I have found myself putting my feminist flag down and giving up on that movement. I am beginning to see the light.It’s a mans world. Man has miraculously found a way to cure cancer (if detected in the early stages blah blah blah), men are shooting in and out of Space like it’s a vacation spot but to date, we are yet to find a cure for menstrual cramps. I have a feeling that if men had to be rendered useless (wait..aren’t they already) for 2-3days out of every month because of blinding menstrual cramps, they would be a thing of the past. Cured in 1960 by some crazy dude. Hell Einstein would have figured it out in his time. And that my friends is where the injustices begin.

Fashion criminal

Dear Miss Leopard print Leotard disaster at the gym,

Your choice in attire is unfathomable, you nipplullar exposure distasteful. At your best you are a walking warning sign. A multifaceted DON’T. A handbook of apparel rules and regulations at the gym wouldn’t help you, an extreme makeover show wouldn’t be enough. All we can do is pray and hope that a miracle happens. Even with the Kaleidoscope hypnotic effect your outfit has on me I could still drop kick you in a moment of “temporary insanity”. So for the love of god and mankind…please be a hero! Save us all from the visual of your sagging bits prancing on the treadmill in this contemptible get up.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled at the gym

BEHIND THE GLASS...

A rant from a friend:


Yesterday as I'm on my way to pick up my daughter from daycare, I saw (seemingly) several hundred females wearing those sets of huge, black sunglasses that look like big bug eyes. I thought I'd driven into the world of killer bees. These sunglasses look to be about 4 times the size of my shades. They appear to cover at least 1/3 of the person's entire face. What's the attraction to these glasses? The first person I recall seeing (and it was only in pictures as she's someone to whom I've never physically gotten close) is Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Mrs. Onassis had such grace that she could make anything she wore look classy. That doesn't mean just anybody can do the same. I imagine that those sunglasses are made by some famous designer. And I'm certain that many of those I saw yesterday were of the knockoff variety. Somebody tell me the purpose of sunglasses. Yes, everything we (male and females) wear is usually a fashion statement. But when did it become fashionable to look like a wasp? What's with the bug like apparel? We don't see beetles on the runways of Paris wearing little clothes like humans (do we?). I have no problem with animal print and animal skins. This is especially true for mammals. Bear skin rugs (I know, very 1970's), rabbit fur, zebra stripped furs, alligator leather, snake skin and even peacock hair apparel are fashionable. But bug sunglasses? What's next? Centipede armed coats? Bee winged swimsuits? Ant antennaed hats?

corporate disaster!

Don’t you just love how corporate America has turned some people into robots? Some things that people say and the way they say them baffles me. Case in point this very proper-“I-rolled-around-in-the-corporate-jargon-wagon” gentleman I spoke with that ended the conversation by saying “good morning” in the same monotone he had used throughout the conversation. Just to annoy him I almost said “Good Morning this is ____(insert company name), How may I assist you?” in the same cheery voice I had started that conversation with..

What a tool!

"I will not loose you"

See, we were going somewhere and being the clueless female(yes, ladies..im bringing us down) that I am, I was supposed to follow him. He looks me right in the eyes and says "M***, I will not loose you". Somebody guess what was the first thing my boyfriend did when he left the parking lot........................

WTF?

ME: Good Morning, this is S******
Imbecile (with thick ass African accent): Oh, Good Morning PA!.
ME: Good Morning! (I’m having a rather cheery morning)
Imbecile: By now you should be used to my voice
ME: Ummm?
Imbecile: You mean you don’t know who this is?
Me: Um. Not really.
Imbecile: Oh! I’m very hurt by that!
Me: OK
Imbecile: Oh! Molly! You African woman! You are going to be mean to me like that? *chuckle, chuckle*
Me: *fake chuckle, chuckle* (by now I’ve already figured out who it it) Is this ****?
Imbecile: HAHA Yes! You are so mean. You don’t even care. I tell you that you have hurt my feelings and you say ok?
ME: hahah(wishing this man would state the purpose of his call so I can move on with my life)
Imbecile: At least I’ve made your day right?
Me: (Sweet Jesus I'm I on punked?) Yes.
Imbecile: (With an air of pride that made me want to puke) That’s good. Last week when entering my time into the system I put in the wrong date. I put in week ending 07/30 but it was for last weeks hours.
Me: Yes. I noticed that you the timecard was post-dated
Imbecile: (Sounding irritated). You African woman! You knew I had made a mistake and you still didn’t call me to tell me?
Me: Well, actually I get some post-dated timecards from other contractors and I figured, if you post dated it and your manager approved it, then it must be correct.
Imbecile: No. No. it wasn’t you should have called to check
Me: *Silence* (inwardly I wanted to remind this fool that it’s his responsibility to hand in his timecard correctly. I have 300 people on my payroll. It’s up to them to give me correct timecards and up to me to get them paid. If you do something incorrectly and your manager backs it up, TOUGH LUCK! You loose SUCKER! Better luck next lifetime!)
Imbecile: Can you get me paid for those hours today? I have no money.
Me: (I’ll give you $100,000 for problems that I don’t give a shit about!) Sure. I’ll get in touch with Corporate to see if I can just pay it. But more likely that not you’ll have to go back in and enter it correctly. Let me have your # and I’ll let you know in about an hour…

Point of my story is why? Dear lord why? I promised never to drink again. I’ve been good. I was happy and now I just have a bad taste in my mouth!

Se habla Engles?

This 7-11 that I frequent is where I normally get gas as well as anything else that I need quickly. I'm familiar and friendly with most of the employees on all shifts at this location but within the past month or so, I noticed an Asian woman I'd never seen. She's in full 7-11 regalia thus my "not-so-sharp" mind determined that she's a new employee. I usually fill up my gas tank after I've finished my paper route which is normally before 5am. That's not a busy time for 7-11.

I go to the register with a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut and I tell her "$35.00 on number 1". The woman stares at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only 7 or 8 seconds. She motions with a hand gesture for her coworker to assist. The guy's is talking her through the transaction but essentially performs it himself as it becomes apparent to me that.....SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH. How do I know? On subsequent visits, she 'attempts' to handle my transaction but can't make her mouth form one word of English. 7-11 has fried chicken available between 4 and 5am (an odd time but it's good and salty so I get a couple of pieces once a week). During one visit, I ask her (while pointing) for 2 pieces of fried chicken. She looks at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only...well you get the idea. This time, her hand gesture for assistance goes unnoticed because her coworker is outside handling another task. The fact that SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH is causing me great frustration so I decide not to help her through the transaction. She looks at me again as though she has no idea what needs to be done. So I repeat, "I'll have 2 pieces of fried chicken". Blank stare. I rephrase my request (knowing she won't understand), "I'd like a couple of them drum sticks". Blank stare. No expression whatsoever. Not even a shoulder shrug. I realize I'm fighting a losing battle and the coworker doesn't appear to be returning to the store anytime soon. So I walk over to the enclosed dish spinner with the hot lights and point to the chicken while saying "two". She puts one piece in a container. I look at her and say "two" while holding up two fingers. Apparently, this isn't something that's universal because she has no idea what I'm requesting. By this time, I've been in the store and at the register for at least 8 minutes. I have to get home because I'm tired so I wave her over to the register to ring up what's on the counter. She stares at the register for seemingly 15 minutes but this time I don't believe I'm exaggerating as much. She must've looked at the thing and punched buttons on the screen for about 5 minutes all the while knowing darn well she was clueless. Her coworker finally comes back inside and I ask him for help. Boom, I'm out of the store in literally 45 seconds.

Now I realize that I can't deal with this woman ever again. Whenever I go into that particular 7-11 and she's at the register, someone must be at the other register so that I can stand in line and wait for that other sales associate. If the another associate isn't at the other register, then they have to be in the store so that I can proactively let them know that she'll need his/her help while handling my transaction. In fact, I was in there this morning. I brought up a 16oz. soda, a 16oz. bottled water and a small bag of chips. She handled the transaction and the total was $4.76. A little high I thought so I asked for the receipt. I received the blank stare again so I repeated "receipt?" with a hand motion indicating a piece of paper with writing. Blank stare then 5 or so minutes of staring at the register screen and pushing buttons as if something magical will happen. Her coworker comes to the rescue, prints the receipt and hands it to me. Before he walks away, I tell him that my total is wrong. I brought three items to the register and was charged for four. In her direction, the coworker points to my three items and points to the 4 items on the receipt. She smiles as though she understood her error so maybe there's progress.

Now let me ask... since she doesn't speak any English, how on earth was she hired? As I'm typing, I'm remembering that the store manager is also an Asian woman. Therefore, I can imagine that they spoke their native language during the interview and it's likely that the store manager didn't ask if she spoke any English (or maybe she doesn't care). The woman does not suffer from any form of mental retardation. She's not "slow". When I see her performing other tasks in the store (cleaning, stocking, managing food, etc), her actions are quick and deliberate. Therefore, I can tell that she has intelligence (yes, in my opinion, it takes intelligence to perform these tasks). So it's apparent that she simply DOES NOT KNOW ONE WORD OF ENGLISH.

Let me bring this rant to a close with the following. Not only do I not mind, but I like people from other nations living and working in the good ol' US of A. But you simply must speak SOME ENGLISH. Period. None of the workers in this 7-11 don't speak English clearly. I don't mind. Many times, I have to repeat something I've said 3 or 4 times before it's understood. I don't care. The ethnicities of the workers in this 7-11 include Indians, Mexicans, Ethiopians, Latinos and Asians. I repeat, none of them speak perfect English. I love them all. They're all fascinating if you engage them in conversation (even small talk). I don't mind struggling to understand some of the words they're speaking because they have something to say and it's something I want to hear. But how in the world could can I be expected to communicate with someone who doesn't speak a word of my native language in my country? Speak some English. A little will do. Doesn't have to be much. Learn one sentence a month. And he's another suggestion. If you're here and don't know the language, the first sentence you should learn is "I'm sorry but I don't know much English". Boom, that lowers any raising temperatures in me.

TIDBIT

Here's a petty thing that I let blow up in my mind to become mountainous...

I love people. I'm a people person. But don't test those limits. I bring a pair of sunglasses to a cash register so that I can make the purchase. The cashier is friendly enough. We start a small conversation (no one was behind me). She looks at my sunglasses and says something along the lines of "Wow, these are really nice. I think they'll look great on you". Everything is all well and fine but here's where she went wrong. SHE TRIED THEM ON. That's a no no as far as I'm concerned. There will be no trying on of the customer's purchases. Now mind you, sunglasses aren't clothes (it's more like an accessory). However, DO NOT TRY ON MY ACCESSORIES AT THE REGISTER. Do not try my hat. Do not try my gloves. Do not try my wrist watch. Do not try my jacket. Do not try my ties. Don't even put my hankerchiefs in your pocket to see how it looks. Luckily, it turned out that the sunglasses didn't have a barcode so I went back to the rack and got another pair.