DON’T SAY BORED. SAY “CLASSY”

Dear Merlot,

Bonsouir mon a mi!

It was great to be at your birthday festivities this past weekend. It made me appreciate the fact that life gives us options (obviously you picked one that I wouldn’t have). For your birthday, you chose to give as a night in the twilight zone. Started off with a mind- numbing French movie (subtitles and all) with a live soundtrack. Now in theory, this was a very neat idea. But in actuality I thought of several thousand different ways to kill myself during the whole hour and a half that we watched this movie in silence. There was not enough wine in the city to drown out the boredom. After the movie we went to a “quaint little place” that was actually pretty cool. It almost made up for the 5 flights of stairs we had to go through (Ever heard of elevators? Escalators? I felt like I was on a game show) only to get to an Ill-lite room with a magnificent view of the city. That I’ll give you. It was a gorgeous view up there. So bravo is my word for that.

You’re a 30something year old dude. Still very much in your early thirties. Your birthday was on a Friday (not everyone gets to be this lucky). Why couldn’t we just go to a bar, drink beers and high-five each other? Is being cultured, all about doing certain things off a checklist just to show you and others how classy a person is/can be? Can you tell Classy from Bullshit?

Sincerely,

Highly-uncultured.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Weight Chart for Women

Height Frame

4'10" 102-111
4'11" 103-113
5'0" 104-115
5'1" 106-118
5'2" 108-121
5'3" 111-124
5'4" 114-127
5'5" 117-130
5'6" 120-133
5'7" 123-136
5'8" 126-139
5'9" 129-142
5'10" 132-145
5'11" 135-148
6'0" 138-151

If your weight is more than 10 pounds heavier than what the weight chart above says you should be, Please do not wear SKINNY JEANS.

Contrary to popular belief, skinny jeans are not for everyone. Please do us all a favor and keep up with fashion trends that work well with your body type.

Thank you for your consideration.

My Nikes are Circa 1896

Dear Ms. Inconsiderate,

When I first saw you walk into the changing room, I thought you were a cute professional staying fit. For a moment there I thought you had it all, cute outfit, cute face, cute gym bag…everything looked very well coordinated. This was until you decided to ROCK my world and open your gym bag.

Prior to yesterday I had never truly wanted to beat down a stranger for being rudely inconsiderate but I have to say that the hot stench that came from your bag taunted a seriously violent reaction from me. Not once in my life have I ever smelled something so unpleasant coming from a designer bag. Louis Vuitton would have a fit if he knew what you put in that bag. At first I thought that you might have accidentally brought a diaper bag to the gym but you didn’t seem fazed when the disgusting odor hit the air. Instead you looked at me and smiled (Sweet lord! I think this was a test!!).

Then it happened….Like the unveiling of a hideous bride, came the Nikes Moses wore when he went up the mountain. Its really impressive that you come from a family that wears the same shoe size all around and has been doing so for generations. But guess what? No one cares! Put it in a book, talk to Tyra about it. I have racked my mind for reasons why someone would own those and subject the whole entire world (the gym) to their unpleasant smell but couldn’t come up with one. Violence is never a solution and that is why I’m writing to you today. Please write back and enlighten me.

Sincerely,

Willing-to-start-a-fund-to-buy-you-new-gym-shoes @ the gym.

PS: Moses called. He wants his shoes back.

P-P-PPick up a liar!

Me: So you told her you play Tennis and have exclusive memberships to different Tennis clubs in the area?
T-Man: Yeah. So to speak. That was one of the requirements on her post.
Me: What were the other “requirements”?
T-man: Umm..I don’t know. Things like You had to be taller than 5”11, educated… stuff like that.
Me: Are you 5”11
T-man: No. I’m 5”6
Me: Ok……???
T-man: Yeah. We’re going to meet for lunch or dinner later in the week and then play tennis next week.
Me: REALLY?
T-man: Yeah. She seems like a really cool person and I look forward to getting to know her a little better.
Me: But you’re lying to her.
T-man: Yeah. I’m just laying the ground work. Getting my foot in the door. You know. That kind of thing.
Me: If she’s such a nice person, don’t you feel guilty about lying?
T-man: No. Not really. I figure being the size that she is, she doesn’t really play tennis. She probably used to when she was younger and slimmer but not now.
Me: So how do you plan to pull off playing tennis next week
T-man: I’ll just get a racket and rent a tennis court at a fitness center and the rest will follow.
Me: Isn’t that a lot of trouble for someone you aren’t even interested in?
T-man: Nah. I think of it as fun.

I don’t get it. He doesn’t have to lie, but it’s the choice he makes and then he goes out of his way to cover his lies and all this would make sense if he was at least interested in this chick…..but sadly..no….

……................Craigslist- The paradise of liars.............................

Shit for brains