one hour fifteen minutes later

I just flew from DC to ATL and the contrast is numbing. It was hot and humid in DC but in ATL, I can't even breath! this is ridiculous! Also, while I'm at it, why is Hartfield so congested? I've never been to such a crowded airport.

PMS

I have always considered myself a feminist but recently I have found myself putting my feminist flag down and giving up on that movement. I am beginning to see the light.It’s a mans world. Man has miraculously found a way to cure cancer (if detected in the early stages blah blah blah), men are shooting in and out of Space like it’s a vacation spot but to date, we are yet to find a cure for menstrual cramps. I have a feeling that if men had to be rendered useless (wait..aren’t they already) for 2-3days out of every month because of blinding menstrual cramps, they would be a thing of the past. Cured in 1960 by some crazy dude. Hell Einstein would have figured it out in his time. And that my friends is where the injustices begin.

Fashion criminal

Dear Miss Leopard print Leotard disaster at the gym,

Your choice in attire is unfathomable, you nipplullar exposure distasteful. At your best you are a walking warning sign. A multifaceted DON’T. A handbook of apparel rules and regulations at the gym wouldn’t help you, an extreme makeover show wouldn’t be enough. All we can do is pray and hope that a miracle happens. Even with the Kaleidoscope hypnotic effect your outfit has on me I could still drop kick you in a moment of “temporary insanity”. So for the love of god and mankind…please be a hero! Save us all from the visual of your sagging bits prancing on the treadmill in this contemptible get up.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled at the gym

BEHIND THE GLASS...

A rant from a friend:


Yesterday as I'm on my way to pick up my daughter from daycare, I saw (seemingly) several hundred females wearing those sets of huge, black sunglasses that look like big bug eyes. I thought I'd driven into the world of killer bees. These sunglasses look to be about 4 times the size of my shades. They appear to cover at least 1/3 of the person's entire face. What's the attraction to these glasses? The first person I recall seeing (and it was only in pictures as she's someone to whom I've never physically gotten close) is Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Mrs. Onassis had such grace that she could make anything she wore look classy. That doesn't mean just anybody can do the same. I imagine that those sunglasses are made by some famous designer. And I'm certain that many of those I saw yesterday were of the knockoff variety. Somebody tell me the purpose of sunglasses. Yes, everything we (male and females) wear is usually a fashion statement. But when did it become fashionable to look like a wasp? What's with the bug like apparel? We don't see beetles on the runways of Paris wearing little clothes like humans (do we?). I have no problem with animal print and animal skins. This is especially true for mammals. Bear skin rugs (I know, very 1970's), rabbit fur, zebra stripped furs, alligator leather, snake skin and even peacock hair apparel are fashionable. But bug sunglasses? What's next? Centipede armed coats? Bee winged swimsuits? Ant antennaed hats?

corporate disaster!

Don’t you just love how corporate America has turned some people into robots? Some things that people say and the way they say them baffles me. Case in point this very proper-“I-rolled-around-in-the-corporate-jargon-wagon” gentleman I spoke with that ended the conversation by saying “good morning” in the same monotone he had used throughout the conversation. Just to annoy him I almost said “Good Morning this is ____(insert company name), How may I assist you?” in the same cheery voice I had started that conversation with..

What a tool!

"I will not loose you"

See, we were going somewhere and being the clueless female(yes, ladies..im bringing us down) that I am, I was supposed to follow him. He looks me right in the eyes and says "M***, I will not loose you". Somebody guess what was the first thing my boyfriend did when he left the parking lot........................

WTF?

ME: Good Morning, this is S******
Imbecile (with thick ass African accent): Oh, Good Morning PA!.
ME: Good Morning! (I’m having a rather cheery morning)
Imbecile: By now you should be used to my voice
ME: Ummm?
Imbecile: You mean you don’t know who this is?
Me: Um. Not really.
Imbecile: Oh! I’m very hurt by that!
Me: OK
Imbecile: Oh! Molly! You African woman! You are going to be mean to me like that? *chuckle, chuckle*
Me: *fake chuckle, chuckle* (by now I’ve already figured out who it it) Is this ****?
Imbecile: HAHA Yes! You are so mean. You don’t even care. I tell you that you have hurt my feelings and you say ok?
ME: hahah(wishing this man would state the purpose of his call so I can move on with my life)
Imbecile: At least I’ve made your day right?
Me: (Sweet Jesus I'm I on punked?) Yes.
Imbecile: (With an air of pride that made me want to puke) That’s good. Last week when entering my time into the system I put in the wrong date. I put in week ending 07/30 but it was for last weeks hours.
Me: Yes. I noticed that you the timecard was post-dated
Imbecile: (Sounding irritated). You African woman! You knew I had made a mistake and you still didn’t call me to tell me?
Me: Well, actually I get some post-dated timecards from other contractors and I figured, if you post dated it and your manager approved it, then it must be correct.
Imbecile: No. No. it wasn’t you should have called to check
Me: *Silence* (inwardly I wanted to remind this fool that it’s his responsibility to hand in his timecard correctly. I have 300 people on my payroll. It’s up to them to give me correct timecards and up to me to get them paid. If you do something incorrectly and your manager backs it up, TOUGH LUCK! You loose SUCKER! Better luck next lifetime!)
Imbecile: Can you get me paid for those hours today? I have no money.
Me: (I’ll give you $100,000 for problems that I don’t give a shit about!) Sure. I’ll get in touch with Corporate to see if I can just pay it. But more likely that not you’ll have to go back in and enter it correctly. Let me have your # and I’ll let you know in about an hour…

Point of my story is why? Dear lord why? I promised never to drink again. I’ve been good. I was happy and now I just have a bad taste in my mouth!

Se habla Engles?

This 7-11 that I frequent is where I normally get gas as well as anything else that I need quickly. I'm familiar and friendly with most of the employees on all shifts at this location but within the past month or so, I noticed an Asian woman I'd never seen. She's in full 7-11 regalia thus my "not-so-sharp" mind determined that she's a new employee. I usually fill up my gas tank after I've finished my paper route which is normally before 5am. That's not a busy time for 7-11.

I go to the register with a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut and I tell her "$35.00 on number 1". The woman stares at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only 7 or 8 seconds. She motions with a hand gesture for her coworker to assist. The guy's is talking her through the transaction but essentially performs it himself as it becomes apparent to me that.....SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH. How do I know? On subsequent visits, she 'attempts' to handle my transaction but can't make her mouth form one word of English. 7-11 has fried chicken available between 4 and 5am (an odd time but it's good and salty so I get a couple of pieces once a week). During one visit, I ask her (while pointing) for 2 pieces of fried chicken. She looks at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only...well you get the idea. This time, her hand gesture for assistance goes unnoticed because her coworker is outside handling another task. The fact that SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH is causing me great frustration so I decide not to help her through the transaction. She looks at me again as though she has no idea what needs to be done. So I repeat, "I'll have 2 pieces of fried chicken". Blank stare. I rephrase my request (knowing she won't understand), "I'd like a couple of them drum sticks". Blank stare. No expression whatsoever. Not even a shoulder shrug. I realize I'm fighting a losing battle and the coworker doesn't appear to be returning to the store anytime soon. So I walk over to the enclosed dish spinner with the hot lights and point to the chicken while saying "two". She puts one piece in a container. I look at her and say "two" while holding up two fingers. Apparently, this isn't something that's universal because she has no idea what I'm requesting. By this time, I've been in the store and at the register for at least 8 minutes. I have to get home because I'm tired so I wave her over to the register to ring up what's on the counter. She stares at the register for seemingly 15 minutes but this time I don't believe I'm exaggerating as much. She must've looked at the thing and punched buttons on the screen for about 5 minutes all the while knowing darn well she was clueless. Her coworker finally comes back inside and I ask him for help. Boom, I'm out of the store in literally 45 seconds.

Now I realize that I can't deal with this woman ever again. Whenever I go into that particular 7-11 and she's at the register, someone must be at the other register so that I can stand in line and wait for that other sales associate. If the another associate isn't at the other register, then they have to be in the store so that I can proactively let them know that she'll need his/her help while handling my transaction. In fact, I was in there this morning. I brought up a 16oz. soda, a 16oz. bottled water and a small bag of chips. She handled the transaction and the total was $4.76. A little high I thought so I asked for the receipt. I received the blank stare again so I repeated "receipt?" with a hand motion indicating a piece of paper with writing. Blank stare then 5 or so minutes of staring at the register screen and pushing buttons as if something magical will happen. Her coworker comes to the rescue, prints the receipt and hands it to me. Before he walks away, I tell him that my total is wrong. I brought three items to the register and was charged for four. In her direction, the coworker points to my three items and points to the 4 items on the receipt. She smiles as though she understood her error so maybe there's progress.

Now let me ask... since she doesn't speak any English, how on earth was she hired? As I'm typing, I'm remembering that the store manager is also an Asian woman. Therefore, I can imagine that they spoke their native language during the interview and it's likely that the store manager didn't ask if she spoke any English (or maybe she doesn't care). The woman does not suffer from any form of mental retardation. She's not "slow". When I see her performing other tasks in the store (cleaning, stocking, managing food, etc), her actions are quick and deliberate. Therefore, I can tell that she has intelligence (yes, in my opinion, it takes intelligence to perform these tasks). So it's apparent that she simply DOES NOT KNOW ONE WORD OF ENGLISH.

Let me bring this rant to a close with the following. Not only do I not mind, but I like people from other nations living and working in the good ol' US of A. But you simply must speak SOME ENGLISH. Period. None of the workers in this 7-11 don't speak English clearly. I don't mind. Many times, I have to repeat something I've said 3 or 4 times before it's understood. I don't care. The ethnicities of the workers in this 7-11 include Indians, Mexicans, Ethiopians, Latinos and Asians. I repeat, none of them speak perfect English. I love them all. They're all fascinating if you engage them in conversation (even small talk). I don't mind struggling to understand some of the words they're speaking because they have something to say and it's something I want to hear. But how in the world could can I be expected to communicate with someone who doesn't speak a word of my native language in my country? Speak some English. A little will do. Doesn't have to be much. Learn one sentence a month. And he's another suggestion. If you're here and don't know the language, the first sentence you should learn is "I'm sorry but I don't know much English". Boom, that lowers any raising temperatures in me.

TIDBIT

Here's a petty thing that I let blow up in my mind to become mountainous...

I love people. I'm a people person. But don't test those limits. I bring a pair of sunglasses to a cash register so that I can make the purchase. The cashier is friendly enough. We start a small conversation (no one was behind me). She looks at my sunglasses and says something along the lines of "Wow, these are really nice. I think they'll look great on you". Everything is all well and fine but here's where she went wrong. SHE TRIED THEM ON. That's a no no as far as I'm concerned. There will be no trying on of the customer's purchases. Now mind you, sunglasses aren't clothes (it's more like an accessory). However, DO NOT TRY ON MY ACCESSORIES AT THE REGISTER. Do not try my hat. Do not try my gloves. Do not try my wrist watch. Do not try my jacket. Do not try my ties. Don't even put my hankerchiefs in your pocket to see how it looks. Luckily, it turned out that the sunglasses didn't have a barcode so I went back to the rack and got another pair.

CLOTHING IN A BUSINESS ENVIRONMENT

Let's talk about clothing in specifically in the business environment.

Let's start with flip flops. Ladies, there are some places that call for an actual shoe (sole, heel, toes covered, etc). Unless you're a life guard at a beach or pool, I can't think of another place of business where flip flops should be worn. If you're out on farm picking oranges, wear flip flops all you want but you certainly take the risk of snake bites. The sound they make is their biggest irritant. That "pap pap pap" sound they make against the heel of the wearer is extremely distracting in a business environment and they look terrible in my opinion. At the risk of plagiarizing a couple of news articles I read recently, it's as though someone "almost" got dressed before leaving home. This is especially true when paired with traditional business attire. I don't care how fancy the flip flop appears. They can be made by DKNY for all I care. It's still a nasty foot exposing, loud flip flop. I'll allow (oh yes, I did say "allow"!) them to be worn in a small office if your co-workers don't mind. But if the office has more than 3 people, I can't allow them to be worn. Also, I've encountered several females who think people want to see their feet. Newsflash, I don't like feet. I don't care how well they're pedicured. They're feet. You don't do anything with them besides walk so why would do you consider them to be so special? I've had female coworkers bring up the subject of their feet for no apparent reason other than to make an opportunity for them to be seen. Example...

Me: "Hey, we're ordering lunch from the Thai place down the street. Do you want anything?"
Female Coworker: "No thanks. I brought my lunch".
Me: "Ok".
FC: "I like Thai though". (before I can leave she says...) "I really think I need a pedicure" and then she takes a foot out of its shoe and wiggles her toes. I refuse to look but I can tell what's happening through peripheral vision.
Me: (Blank stare directly at her face) "So?"

I must be an island to myself because in my current place of employment, flip flops are being worn as if that's THE required foot apparel. It's annoying and with some of these ladies, it's quite disgusting. As an aside, a former buddy of mine once told me that he was on a first date with a female who said to him verbatim "see my cute feet?". If I'm not mistaken, his reply was "naw dawg, that's aight".

Now let's talk about clothing above the foot. 99.98912% of men in their place of employment wear shoes, socks, pants, usually long sleeve shirts if not jackets and ties. If a tie isn't required, then the shirt is buttoned up to the second button from the top and underneath is usually a t-shirt. So what skin do you see on a male at work? If he's wearing a short sleeve shirt, you see his forearms. Other than that, you see his hands and his face. What about females? I see tank tops, skirts (below and above the knee), spaghetti straps (what?), tube tops (excuse me?) and those gawd-awful flip flops and open toed shoes. If I owned my own business, my blanket policy would be you cover up as much skin as possible. I don't want to see arms above the elbows, shoulders, cleavage, ankles, legs, thighs nor feet. With hard bottomed shoes being the exception, I hate noisy clothes. The flip flop "pap pap"? Don't test me. The "schwish schwish" of bell bottom jeans? Don't get yourself hurt. If your shirt is making a "whoosh whoosh" sound under the arms, loose some weight.

Clothes that are too tight on either gender is unacceptable but this is especially true for men. Gentlemen, those polo shirts you've had since college graduation? Guess what, you can't fit them any longer. Notice I didn't say "THEY don't fit YOU any longer". The reason? It's not the shirt's fault that you've gotten bigger. People aren't fools. Those aren't muscles bulging under the shirts. You don't look sexy. You look stupid. Those dress shirts whose collars are now 1/2 to 1 size to small causing all of the blood in your body to be trapped in your head? They can now be used to dust your furniture. I don't have a problem with you being fat but for goodness sakes, wear clothes that fit properly. Come of the river known as "denial". Those pants where the legs no longer extend past the ankle (a.k.a. highwaters)? They are to be tossed. Don't even give them to charity. Gentlemen, choose your color (and I emphasize YOUR color) wisely. If you look sickly in yellow, that's a color you can't wear. If you look like a strawberry dipped marshmellow in pink, that's a color you can't wear. Stick with neutral colors. If your sweaters are full of fuzz balls, have them defuzzed or they are to be tossed. And stop wearing those sweaters with 1000 colors and designs. Those aren't something that all men can wear. This isn't the '80s and you aren't Bill Cosby.

***special thanks to Tommy for coming up with this! Hilarious! Vent on!! I LOVE it!***

4:59pm on a Friday afternoon

Useless character(UC): Hi. I was having problems with my timesheet entry
Payroll Admin(PA): (ahhh Shit! NOT at 4:59pm!On a friday? Hot damn some people are soo inconsiderate!) Oh yeah? Whats's the problem?
UC: Everytime I enter it into the system it's paying me at the wrong pay rate. I had a similar problem a few weeks ago and you forwarded me to nameless lady at corporate. Could you please hold for a moment?
PA: Sure...(by now it's already 5:02pm..such nerve!)
*4 minutes later*
UC: Thank you for holding. It's a busy Friday night. (oh so this fool knows what day it is). Anyway, now when I enter the time into the system it's paying me at $125/hr but I'm trying to input it for $900. I know I'm doing something wrong. Puttin in the wrong code or something
PA: ok. What code are you puttin into the system?
UC: I don't know.
PA: I'm looking at your last two checks and it looks like you were paid at $125 rate but I would need the code info from you to figure out what you are doing wrong
UC: Well see, I'm not near a computer right now. So I can't tell what option I pick out.
PA: Ok. Thats the only way I can tell. Also, since you are entering the wrong code, in order for me to pay the right rate, you'd have to call nameless lady at corporate to fix it in the system. She's the only one who can go in the system and switch it around.
UC: (laughing sheepishly) Yes. You had told me the same thing when this happened a few wks ago. I guess I shouldda just called her before calling you at this time on a Friday huh?
PA: hahaha. No. Thats quite alright. Let me know if there is anything else I can assist you with.
UC: Thank you. Have a good weekend
PA:(UGH! Die slowly!) U huh. thank you. You too. Bye

5:12pm!
Goodness gracious I need some alcohol!!!

Text msg from a higher power

It has recently come to my knowledge that everyone(most of) I work for/ with thinks that god sends me a text msg to tell me EVERYTHING!

Crazy Buffoon(CB): PA, oblivious contractor has worked for the past two weeks and he hasn’t been paid. Why haven’t you paid him? ( because I’m the kind of evil bastard who just likes to not pay some people from time to time. It’s just how I do things! What do you think?)
PA(Trying to figure out who oblivious contractor is..): Who?
CB: OBLIVIOUS CONTRACTOR!
PA: Where does he work?
CB: Nowhere important!
PA: What’s his position?
CB: Seats on his ass and makes over a hundred gees(getting increasingly irritated by my questions. But I have to ask)
PA: I haven’t received any sort of correspondence from him be it timecards or expense reports.
CB: WHY NOT? (Because I told him I would kick his ass if he contacted me in anyway! Ask him! I don’t know! Shouldn’t he be the concerned fool calling me because he’s been working for us and hasn’t received a paycheck since his start date? )
PA: *silence*
CB: Have you called him?
PA: (well considering 5 seconds ago I didn’t even know who he was…) No. But I will in a few minutes.
CB: Make that as soon as you get off this call and let me know what he says
PA: Sure.

5 minutes, a v-mail and email sent later

PA: I just left him a v-mail and followed up with an email so hopefully he will respond by Monday.
CB: You should get him paid as soon as possible. (NO SHIT!)
PA: Yes. As soon as he sends me an approved timecard, I’ll pay him.
CB: Make sure of that
PA: (Thinking of different ways of saying I HEARD YOU! Without being rude). Sure.

Apparently I forgot to read the text msg that god sent me telling me that oblivious contractor is an employee at my branch, started working 2 wks ago, is too lazy to send me his timecards and get paid like everybody else so I have to chase him around so I can give him his money. Forgive me father for I have sinned! UGHHHHHHHHH!

paper cut of the week

For the past three weeks all my contractors pay stabs have had a notice that says

“Due to Holiday week, direct deposit will be delayed. Please be sure to turn in your timecards by Friday May 26th for timely payment.”

Off course the language used is not easy enough for some of the most simple minded people I have to deal with.

Stupid Contractor (CS) calls on Tuesday: Hi, I just wanted to verify that you got my timecard on Friday and that my $$ will be in my account tomorrow
Payroll Admin (PA..aka Me) : I’m sorry CS but the last three pay stabs have informed you that since Monday was a national holiday, you direct deposit will be running late this week
CS: (raising her voice and getting nasty) Yeah but I faxed my timecard on Friday so I assumed that you would process it on Friday and pay me on time!!
PA: well, **** unless you work Saturday and Sunday, you are supposed to send me your timecard on Fridays. Payroll is processed on Mondays. Since Yesterday was a public holiday, the banks were closed so we couldn’t process payroll anyway.
CS: (louder) NAH AH! That’s not good enough! I need to have that $$ in my account tomorrow. A gat checks rolling in I can’t have non-o-that. You need to get this fixed I faxed in my timecard on Friday so I should have been paid by Sunday.
PA: Actually. That’s not how it works. Your pay stubs clearly stated that you check will be late so…
CS: (cuts me short) NO! I need that $$ in my account tomorrow. Something needs to be done!
PA: (calm and short) Miss ______ I’m sorry there is nothing that I can do for you at this point. If you would like to contact the corporate office or my boss to confirm this info I would be more than happy to provide their phone numbers.

*hangs up on me*

Good gosh some people are just so exasperating! I don’t understand it. Every week someone finds a new way of being the paper-cut in my life.

Overly defensive fuckers!

People who get overly defensive over the wrong things annoy me. Example: someone says something about the way UMD men dress (neither positive nor negative. just a simple statement) and this is what follows
IM (Idiot Man): Would you rather wear our pants on our knees like rappers or would you rather we wear our pants so tight like 'white boys'?
Me: Idiot man why are you so defensive. What Kelly was saying was neither positive nor negative. Why do you always act like you have a poker up your butt?
IM: Why do you always have to bring up the gay sh*t? Anyway, I'd rather have a poker up my a$$ than a d*** any day!

WHAT THA CRAP?

First of all, being defensive about the way you dress when no ones attacking you...WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second, 'poker up your butt' is a figure of speech. Taking it literally....WRONG!!!!!!!
Lastly, for any straight man, there is no such thing as rather have this or that up their you-know-whats! It's just not an option! So telling me your preference and invertedly exposing your sexual preference...........WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGHHH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ode to my money maker

Oh hail thee queen of Sheba
You selfish,nausea inducing sycophantic freak.
Even when you kiss my ass I know you’re not being true
Hail thee Morticia Adams.
You ravenous female dog
You think you’re exciting but I say you’re mind-numbing
For all the hell you are putting me through
Hail to the mother of all evil,
The daughter of Sodom and Gomorrah
The reason behind my anger.
Hail you who encompasses malevolence
The principle of the underworld
The director of scum.
For all the obscenities I can’t spew your way
For all the wasteful tasks I’ve had to complete,
For your incompetent, ineffectual hogwash

Oh hail thee Queen of Sheba!

Seventy Five?

It was 4:24pm (I get off work at 4:30pm) and I was about to mail out something when I realized that I was out of overnight envelops. BUMMER! I don’t even know where they come from. So I call my courier company’s customer service and this is the conversation I had:

CSA (Customer Service Agent): Thank you for calling ______. How may I help you?
Me: Hi. My account # is _____ and I was wondering if this is the correct number to call to order more supplies. I’ve run out envelops and would like to have more mailed out to me.
CSA: Ok. No problem. You want “Express Envelops”
Me: Yes
CSA: How many?
Me: How many are in a pack?
CSA: 25
ME: ok. I want 3 packs please
CSA: That would be 75 envelops.
Me: (Thanks for the unnecessary display of your math skills) Yes. 75 envelops.
CSA: Ok. I’m putting in your order for 75 (Stresses the 75 as though I said 7500) envelops
Me: Yes. (It’s not like you are sending them to my home for personal use. You’re sending them to a company. 75 aren’t that many! In fact I should be ordering more!!!!!)
CSA: Anything else?
Me: Yes. I’d also like to order some mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. Sure. How many?
Me: (Let see Miss I-Know-All-About-Math I’m ordering 75 envelops, take a lucky guess how many labels I would want) how many are in a pack?
CSA: They come in bulk. Each pack has about 1500 mailing labels so if you want less than that you’ll have to give me a number like say 5 or 10.
Me: (Why would I order 10 when I have 75 envelops coming my way?) Ok. Please send me 75 labels.
CSA: 75?(sounding confused)
Me: (By now I’m so frustrated by this lady! And it’s 4:34pm) yes. Ma’am. 75 mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. I’ve put in your order for 75 envelops and 75 mailing labels. Is there anything else?
Me: No thanks. Thank you. Good bye!!!!

@ 4:37pm. Something tells me that this conversation shouldn’t have taken 13minutes! Why are some people so slow? WHYYYYYY????????????

More like Joseph Iscariort!

He was 6"5, buff(about 230lbs) and flaming gay!(In my opinion)...a co-worker who had called me on a random Friday night wanting to "hang out". Since I wasn't doing much, I decided to go over to his place and meet his mum who was visiting from West Africa and he wanted her to meet some of his friends(me included). I drive over to his place and he's all dressed up(shirt and slacks) while Im wearing jeans and sneakers. I say a quick hallo to his mum who is standing in the driveway while he starts walking towards my car. He gets in and tells me to drive.

Me: Where are we going Mark: Don't worry. Just drive. You’ll see Me: Ok. Small talk for a little bit Mark: So do you read the bible? Me: HAHAHA! What? (I thought he was trying to be funny)Mark: Yeah. Do you read the bible? Are you religious? Me: No Not really but I do have a bible in my glove compartment that my brother put in my car Mark: Oh great. Let me get it. This was followed by about 2hrs of the man preaching to me about being religious and more importantly becoming a 7th day Adventist because all other religious (Christian or otherwise) are wrong. I was confused by what his intentions were and I hoped he would stop and be normal again but he kept going on and on while I’m contemplating suicide…maybe first degree murder..either way it seemed as though one of us needed to go.
I thought it was hilarious that all this was coming from a male model…and when I asked him how being a male model fits into his religion he says “I see myself as a modern day Joseph. Joseph was good looking and well-toned and a lot of the women in his town wanted him but he didn’t fall into temptation. He instead married a virgin.”...WHAT THA CRAP? I felt like I was in the twilight zone. He was totally normal at work and then BAM! Then he started telling me how he only dates people from his religion and how I should consider converting and that’s when I realized that I was on a date!The realization that I was on a date made that fateful Friday evening so much worse than it already was.

A new kind of asshole.

I got a call from our corporate offices letting me know that one of our customers had been paying us for an employee’s hour but we haven’t been paying the employee. I looked in his folder and didn’t find any timecards. Next step according to standard protocol would be to contact the employee to verify that he did indeed work. Which he did. Where are his timecards? His manager has them. So I leave a voicemail for him manager asking for the timecard and he calls me back all irate asking me why I don’t have the timecards!
WTF? I’m confused wondering why this irritating man is shouting at me and what the crap I’m supposed to say to him. I mean how do you answer that question and not spew out all sorts of expletives at him and his mother (for bringing this evil bastard to the planet). Anyway he goes off on a tirade about how he doesn’t understand why my company doesn’t have a better system so that this problem would have been caught a few weeks ago…well the only way I know someone didn’t get paid is when they call me and tell me that they didn’t get paid and apparently this contractor makes so much money he didn't realise that he hasnt gotten paid in 3wks!!!so this man is out of his mind. I tried suggesting a fix for future problems where I would email him every Monday and I confirm that I’ve received the timecards and his response was that he has 5 contractors who have 5 different systems and the last thing he needs is for me to make his job harder by adding another step to his work….

I cant believe this fool. He was just a classic case. I have never spoken to anyone who irritated me that much….UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Just when you think that you have witnessed every form of human decay this planet has to offer, you get a wake up call and it's a slap from the gate keeper of hedes saying "MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHA"

People suck!

Atkins is the new pink

for me at least.

For the past month I've been working out about 4 to 6 times a week and semi-dieting but haven't been able to loose any weight. Initially my plan was to loose 7lbs by May 26th but it looks like my dream is dwindling into thin air so I did what every desparate girl in need does.

I'm going on ATKINS. Yes...High protein, no carb diet. I tried the whole high protein low carb thing and that didn't work very well. Today is my first day and I just ate two cheeseburgers....I can eat as many chicken wings as I want, I can pig out on cheese and still be within the limits of my diet..eggs...aahhhh all the yum yums of this world! I LOVE IT!

I'm doing it for 2wks because I'm desparate to loose the 7lbs and look SMOKING . I want my hott body to say..EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT FUCKERS! I'M BACK AND I'M SMoKING HOTT.DEAL WITH IT! That's my ammunition. Now lets see how this goes...

Small talk

Why do we do it? Why do we bother? Who is the super genius who thought of this as a way to fill in moments of silence between strangers. Whatever happened to strangers remaining strangers? Why do I have to make small talk in some of the most awkward situations? If you step on my foot why can’t you say “sorry” and move on while I wince and curse under my breathe? Why is it that women like to talk to each other in the bathrooms? Why can’t we have the “eyes forward, mind your own business” rule that men have? Why do I have to talk to the guy behind me in line at the grocery store? What’s so wrong with getting my food and walking out of SAFEWAY without speaking to anyone who doesn’t work there?

WHAT MOTHER-IDIOT INVENTED SMALL TALK?