Craigslist epidemic...part 2

A friend of mine tells me she's been searching and posting on Craigslist to find dates and it's been going well. While I'm not looking to date, I'm still curious about what she's seeing. So I log on and start scanning the "women seeking men" links. Most of the post do not have pictures but they're written in a fairly interesting manner so I imagine that I'd reply if I were looking. But lately, I've been seeing posts that are borderline horrifying. The title of one post says she's a...

"Cute Beach Girl 4 Great Guy...".

I open the link and read the post. It goes something along the lines of...

"I'm a cute beach girl seeking a great guy.....for friendship and whatever else. I'm bored in my small boring town; I've gone back to school part time (business student)and I'd love to find someone to make my life a little more interesting. Want to know about me? I'm 5'9 and fit and athletic. I enjoy long walks with my dog; I love the beach,relaxing with a book. I'm a homebody by nature, and I like to play Scrabble and shoot pool whenever I can. I don't smoke,drink socially,and you can rarely find me trolling the bars."

Then I scroll down to see her picture. Where do I begin? First, it's only a headshot taken on a webcam with bad lighting. But an individual with an eye for detail can discern a lot from just this type of shot. Cute? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Why lie about your looks? Fit? Athletic? If you saw the headshot picture, you'd see that her neck has about 4 breadrolls and is wider than an 18 wheeler. She's not fooling anyone. She's closer to 322lb.

I saw another post along the same lines. It's title is...

"Lovely Latina Seeking....."

and it says...

"seeking good conversation, nights out on the town, dinner and a movie, or meet for a couple of drinks after work. I like museums, comedy clubs or exploring the city together. I am a 39 y.o., TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman) and comfortable with the skin I'm in. I love to dress up or dress down, either way I can dress for the occasion. I am new to the area and I am just looking for now. If you are the right man maybe we can become great friends or more. But for now I am just looking to see who is out there and if we connect. I'm a professional woman who works for a large international law firm in DC and live in Alexandria. I am open minded, down to earth, easy going, sweet, honest, kind and caring, likes to laugh and have a good time. I have a great sense of humor. I prefer brotha's or Hispanic men between the ages of 30 and 50. I have dated interracially for many many years and this is what I prefer. I prefer maturity, a man who has goals and knows what he wants out of life. Someone who knows how to hold down a conversation and someone that can connect with me on many different levels".

TBW (Thyck Beautiful Woman)? Let's discuss this TBW more popularly known as BBW (Big Beautiful Woman). First, the word fat is not a curse word. If you're fat, use FBW (Fat Beautiful Woman). Big, thick, large can be used if you're not obese. Otherwise, you're FAT. Also, if we're strictly looking in terms of physical features, your being fat doesn't make you beautiful. The two are mutually exclusive. Mind you, BBW is a true acronym for many women but it doesn't apply to fat women. Female bodybuilders or female basketball players can use big or thick. Fat is certainly big but big isn't necessarily fat. I've noticed that most of the females who use BBW usually follow it with something along the lines of "...and I'm comfortable in my skin" like the post above says. You never read a post from a truly fit, athletic or slim female that says "I'm slim and I'm fine with that". The reason? Because if you're truly comfortable "in your FAT skin", it doesn't need to be said. You're responding to a question that no one has asked. When was the last time someone asked you "hey, are you comfortable being fat?". When Oprah Winfrey was fat, you knew she was uncomfortable. Aretha Franklin is twice as big as Oprah ever was but Aretha is completely comfortable with her size. Speaking specifically about the "Lovely Latina" post, outside of those already mentioned (TBW, comfortable being fat, etc), she made a number of mistakes. She mentions "liking to dress up for the occasion". Only children mention liking to dress up. She mentions being a professional in a large law firm. Is she a lawyer? Undoubtedly the answer is no. Have you ever heard a lawyer, an administrative assistant or another professional office worker mention "liking to dress up?" She probably works in the lobby checking i.d. badges. Worse yet, she may in fact be the coat checker. Can you be a professional coat checker? What's so difficult about taking someone's coat, putting it on a hanger and giving them a claim tag? Further, she says she would like someone who can "hold down a conversation". Hold down a conversation? I don't even know what you say. Does she think spelling the word 'thick' as 'thyck' will show someone she's able to 'hold down a conversation'?

Come ladies stop lying to yourselves because you're not fooling anyone.

Craigslist epidemic...part 1

I feel that it is a civic duty of mine to inform everyone (or at least anyone who reads this blog) of a new epidemic that's hitting the internet.....THE CRAIGSLIST EPIDEMIC.

My friend Tommy is always surfing craigslist and looking for interesting things such us bands that need members (he plays the guitar) and many other random things. Lately he's been forwarding some craigslist listings for my review because some of these people are truly bizarre.

Case in point: BE AFRAID; BE VERY AFRAID (this is the real subject of the posting)

Reply to: **********@craigslist.com
Date: 2006-08-22, 7:28AM EDT
Is there a man in the Baltimore region who is not afraid of a sexy, intelligent, loving woman? Then maybe you're looking for ME. I am a 49-year-old professional woman with an incredible sense of humor and capacity for affection. I am looking to shower that affection on a nice, regular guy who knows how to please a woman. Younger men are always a turn-on, but age and size does not really matter, as long as you're young at heart and giving. Drop me a line and let's see what happens.

The ad is then followed by a pukeworthy photograph of her 350lbs self.

First of all....Be afraid? Be very afraid? She is rather beastly, admits it with that 'be afraid, very afraid' title then as if her own beastliness confused her, turns right around and says she had 'lots' to offer. Lots of what? Beastliness? Who's into beast women?

What upsets me about her bestiality (ooppps! I think that came out wrong...... did it?) is the fact that she put her picture up.... I'm pretty sure with a dollar store photo frame, that picture could find a very warm and loving place....IN A NURSING HOME!
Yeah dude/ duddette! (I can't tell....she's so manly looking) We get it...You're 49. You're OLD! Don't show it to us. That's the whole point of online dating. We lie to each other, we give the rest of the world an opportunity to fantasize about how perfect the person might be and then when it comes to meeting the person, that's when Murphy's Law kicks in and she shows up! But it would be nice to have that 5 seconds when I think... "hmmm..maybe she looks like Demi Moore" Those five minutes when I say "Vivica Fox is 45 and she's still hotter than a mug" Is there a chance that she would be on craigslist and look like either one of these two lovely ladies, NO! But it's nice to dream. So grandma....Not only are you hideous, in dire need of a diet or two, desperate and just plain WACK..... You're a dream stealer... and that in my opinion is a bigger offense than anything else.

And lastly, "Be afraid, be very afraid"? "I have lots of love to offer and shower someone with"? Is craigslist supposed to be OXYMORON central? Everyone there says something and then turns right back around and says the opposite. It's like a kid in a candy store overwhelmed with the choices...then again...wait...that example IS an oxymoron because if these hags had that much choice, they wouldn't be so desperate-on-craigslist.

Here's a suggestion Ms. I'm 49 and got lots of love to share....BUY A CLUE!!! And the clue of the day is...........drum roll please.................................................................OXYMORON!!!!!!!

Lazurus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman and her ever-clueless husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Repetition for emphasis

It's a pre-requirment that all my contractors pass their drug tests before they can be hired....Someone always gets caught with their pants down and more often than not..they know they are going to get caught(makes you wonder why they take the test anyway). Last week someone didn't know they were going to get caught.

Friday August 04, 2006
PA a.k.a ME(to contractors manager/Man in charge): Hi! I just wanted to let you know that dolt did not pass her drug test and we therefore will not be bringing her on to our staff.
Man in charge(MIC): What?
**silence**
MIC: Ohh ok. I'll let her know.
PA: thank you. bye.

Monday Aug 07, 2006
MIC: Hi I just spoke with Dolt and she informed me that she's on prescription medications and I just wanted to let you know that thats why she failed her test.
PA: Oh. Alright. By law the drs usually call the contractor to inform them that they failed the test and this gives them a chance to contest the results before the are release the their employer(ME)
**repetetion from MIC to Dolt and mumbling from Dolt**
MIC: She says she didn't get a call from anybody informing her (Is it by any chance because she was high and therefore doesnt remember the phone call now?)
PA: All that she can do now is get written confirmation from her Dr and take it to the drug testing company and contest the results.
MIC: Allright I'll let her know.

Tuesday August 08, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt and her Dr's office on the line and they would like to verify that they did indeed prescribe the medications that came up on the results.
PA(to the 10 people on the phone call): allright. For that you would have to contact the drug company and inform them that the medications were prescribed and they will let you know what to do next. Their number is 1-800-eat-shit.
Dr's office: Can we just fax the prescription to you?
Me: No. that would have to be done through the drug testing company.
MIC: Dolt, did you get that?
Dolt: Yes. I did. thank you.

Wednesday August 09, 2006

MIC: I have Dolt right here with me in my office with a letter from her Dr outlining all the medications they have put her on with a signature and a Dr's seal.
PA: Ok. Tell Dolt to take it to the Drug Test Company and tell them that she's contesting the results and give them that info.
MIC: Ok. I'll have her do that. thank you.

At this point I think MIC is the one on drugs! how many times do I have to repeat the same thing in the same monotone before they truly understand that it's not part of my job description, nor I'm I qualified to make such assesments?

HOW MANY? Five bucks says I'll hear from MIC tommorow again....Oh i cant wait!

Flattery

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/%7Egeoffo/humour/flattery.html

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to dois help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"

BEST BUY

Best Buy is having a ridiculous DVD sale. I went into the Reston Town Center store after work and almost had a heart attack. I could've easily spent $300 on DVDs with no problem. They're selling movies for as low as $3.99. And I mean good movies.

At one point, I had about 15 movies in my hand. I've never used one in Best Buy but yesterday I got close to picking up a hand basket. With all of those movies in my hand, I finally realized that I can't possibly justify purchasing them all. So now comes the big decision time. Which movies do I keep and which do I return? I felt like a crack addict. My palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. My mind had 3000 thousand thoughts all going simultaneously. "Someone told me this one is good so I should keep it but how do I know we have similar tastes?" "I've seen this one but I really really want it but I already seen it but I really want it". "Oh my goodness, I've never heard of this one but it really looks good".

Ultimately I only bought 3 (House Of Flying Daggers $6.99, The Bourne Supremacy $6.99 and Hostel $8.99) because, well, I wanted to be able to drive, eat, wash clothes and have at least a little fun with my daughter this month. So I had to calm down. I've always loved Best Buy but now, I don't know whether I should slap them or ask for the chain's hand in marriage for making go through that torture.

God gave us family..........

I come from a family of four. Three girls, one lonely boy. Three of us live here(in the US of A) and one of my sisters lives continents away. She is currently visiting 'us' and since both my other siblings live in the same city, she set up camp over there which means I have to get off my fat ass and visit her highness(which I don't mind at all!). It's really expensive to get a last minute ticket from where I am to Waxahachie so I sent a text msg(dont you just love technology) to my brother and my other sister who lives here. Keep in mind that I'm a last born and fairly young(georgeous, fabulous..the list goes on)

"I would like to come to Waxahachie but can't afford to. The ticket is about ****. Can you chip in to help?"

43 minutes later I get a call from my sister.

Kin(my sister): Hey
Me: Hey
Kin: Whats up? Whats this about a ticket?
Me: Yeah. It's really expensive and I can't afford it
Kin: How much is it?
Me: $***
Kin:How much do you have?
Me: $***
Kin: So where are you going to get the rest of the money?
Me: Did you call to ask me that? I send you a text msg asking for financial help and you call me to ask me where the $$ is going to come from?
Kin: What? You don't want to talk to me?
Me: **Silence**
Kin: Whatever. I'm going to work.
Me: Bye.
Kin: Bye.

Ohhhhhhh my good God! WTF just happened there? Thank heavens I choose my friends!

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________________________

Q: This condition you have... does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A:! By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____ __________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?!
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Pearls of Stupidity

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

*****Thanks Jen!*****

one hour fifteen minutes later

I just flew from DC to ATL and the contrast is numbing. It was hot and humid in DC but in ATL, I can't even breath! this is ridiculous! Also, while I'm at it, why is Hartfield so congested? I've never been to such a crowded airport.

PMS

I have always considered myself a feminist but recently I have found myself putting my feminist flag down and giving up on that movement. I am beginning to see the light.It’s a mans world. Man has miraculously found a way to cure cancer (if detected in the early stages blah blah blah), men are shooting in and out of Space like it’s a vacation spot but to date, we are yet to find a cure for menstrual cramps. I have a feeling that if men had to be rendered useless (wait..aren’t they already) for 2-3days out of every month because of blinding menstrual cramps, they would be a thing of the past. Cured in 1960 by some crazy dude. Hell Einstein would have figured it out in his time. And that my friends is where the injustices begin.

Fashion criminal

Dear Miss Leopard print Leotard disaster at the gym,

Your choice in attire is unfathomable, you nipplullar exposure distasteful. At your best you are a walking warning sign. A multifaceted DON’T. A handbook of apparel rules and regulations at the gym wouldn’t help you, an extreme makeover show wouldn’t be enough. All we can do is pray and hope that a miracle happens. Even with the Kaleidoscope hypnotic effect your outfit has on me I could still drop kick you in a moment of “temporary insanity”. So for the love of god and mankind…please be a hero! Save us all from the visual of your sagging bits prancing on the treadmill in this contemptible get up.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled at the gym

BEHIND THE GLASS...

A rant from a friend:


Yesterday as I'm on my way to pick up my daughter from daycare, I saw (seemingly) several hundred females wearing those sets of huge, black sunglasses that look like big bug eyes. I thought I'd driven into the world of killer bees. These sunglasses look to be about 4 times the size of my shades. They appear to cover at least 1/3 of the person's entire face. What's the attraction to these glasses? The first person I recall seeing (and it was only in pictures as she's someone to whom I've never physically gotten close) is Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Mrs. Onassis had such grace that she could make anything she wore look classy. That doesn't mean just anybody can do the same. I imagine that those sunglasses are made by some famous designer. And I'm certain that many of those I saw yesterday were of the knockoff variety. Somebody tell me the purpose of sunglasses. Yes, everything we (male and females) wear is usually a fashion statement. But when did it become fashionable to look like a wasp? What's with the bug like apparel? We don't see beetles on the runways of Paris wearing little clothes like humans (do we?). I have no problem with animal print and animal skins. This is especially true for mammals. Bear skin rugs (I know, very 1970's), rabbit fur, zebra stripped furs, alligator leather, snake skin and even peacock hair apparel are fashionable. But bug sunglasses? What's next? Centipede armed coats? Bee winged swimsuits? Ant antennaed hats?

corporate disaster!

Don’t you just love how corporate America has turned some people into robots? Some things that people say and the way they say them baffles me. Case in point this very proper-“I-rolled-around-in-the-corporate-jargon-wagon” gentleman I spoke with that ended the conversation by saying “good morning” in the same monotone he had used throughout the conversation. Just to annoy him I almost said “Good Morning this is ____(insert company name), How may I assist you?” in the same cheery voice I had started that conversation with..

What a tool!

"I will not loose you"

See, we were going somewhere and being the clueless female(yes, ladies..im bringing us down) that I am, I was supposed to follow him. He looks me right in the eyes and says "M***, I will not loose you". Somebody guess what was the first thing my boyfriend did when he left the parking lot........................

WTF?

ME: Good Morning, this is S******
Imbecile (with thick ass African accent): Oh, Good Morning PA!.
ME: Good Morning! (I’m having a rather cheery morning)
Imbecile: By now you should be used to my voice
ME: Ummm?
Imbecile: You mean you don’t know who this is?
Me: Um. Not really.
Imbecile: Oh! I’m very hurt by that!
Me: OK
Imbecile: Oh! Molly! You African woman! You are going to be mean to me like that? *chuckle, chuckle*
Me: *fake chuckle, chuckle* (by now I’ve already figured out who it it) Is this ****?
Imbecile: HAHA Yes! You are so mean. You don’t even care. I tell you that you have hurt my feelings and you say ok?
ME: hahah(wishing this man would state the purpose of his call so I can move on with my life)
Imbecile: At least I’ve made your day right?
Me: (Sweet Jesus I'm I on punked?) Yes.
Imbecile: (With an air of pride that made me want to puke) That’s good. Last week when entering my time into the system I put in the wrong date. I put in week ending 07/30 but it was for last weeks hours.
Me: Yes. I noticed that you the timecard was post-dated
Imbecile: (Sounding irritated). You African woman! You knew I had made a mistake and you still didn’t call me to tell me?
Me: Well, actually I get some post-dated timecards from other contractors and I figured, if you post dated it and your manager approved it, then it must be correct.
Imbecile: No. No. it wasn’t you should have called to check
Me: *Silence* (inwardly I wanted to remind this fool that it’s his responsibility to hand in his timecard correctly. I have 300 people on my payroll. It’s up to them to give me correct timecards and up to me to get them paid. If you do something incorrectly and your manager backs it up, TOUGH LUCK! You loose SUCKER! Better luck next lifetime!)
Imbecile: Can you get me paid for those hours today? I have no money.
Me: (I’ll give you $100,000 for problems that I don’t give a shit about!) Sure. I’ll get in touch with Corporate to see if I can just pay it. But more likely that not you’ll have to go back in and enter it correctly. Let me have your # and I’ll let you know in about an hour…

Point of my story is why? Dear lord why? I promised never to drink again. I’ve been good. I was happy and now I just have a bad taste in my mouth!

Se habla Engles?

This 7-11 that I frequent is where I normally get gas as well as anything else that I need quickly. I'm familiar and friendly with most of the employees on all shifts at this location but within the past month or so, I noticed an Asian woman I'd never seen. She's in full 7-11 regalia thus my "not-so-sharp" mind determined that she's a new employee. I usually fill up my gas tank after I've finished my paper route which is normally before 5am. That's not a busy time for 7-11.

I go to the register with a cup of hot chocolate and a doughnut and I tell her "$35.00 on number 1". The woman stares at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only 7 or 8 seconds. She motions with a hand gesture for her coworker to assist. The guy's is talking her through the transaction but essentially performs it himself as it becomes apparent to me that.....SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH. How do I know? On subsequent visits, she 'attempts' to handle my transaction but can't make her mouth form one word of English. 7-11 has fried chicken available between 4 and 5am (an odd time but it's good and salty so I get a couple of pieces once a week). During one visit, I ask her (while pointing) for 2 pieces of fried chicken. She looks at me for seemingly a half hour though I know it's only...well you get the idea. This time, her hand gesture for assistance goes unnoticed because her coworker is outside handling another task. The fact that SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ONE WORD OF ENGLISH is causing me great frustration so I decide not to help her through the transaction. She looks at me again as though she has no idea what needs to be done. So I repeat, "I'll have 2 pieces of fried chicken". Blank stare. I rephrase my request (knowing she won't understand), "I'd like a couple of them drum sticks". Blank stare. No expression whatsoever. Not even a shoulder shrug. I realize I'm fighting a losing battle and the coworker doesn't appear to be returning to the store anytime soon. So I walk over to the enclosed dish spinner with the hot lights and point to the chicken while saying "two". She puts one piece in a container. I look at her and say "two" while holding up two fingers. Apparently, this isn't something that's universal because she has no idea what I'm requesting. By this time, I've been in the store and at the register for at least 8 minutes. I have to get home because I'm tired so I wave her over to the register to ring up what's on the counter. She stares at the register for seemingly 15 minutes but this time I don't believe I'm exaggerating as much. She must've looked at the thing and punched buttons on the screen for about 5 minutes all the while knowing darn well she was clueless. Her coworker finally comes back inside and I ask him for help. Boom, I'm out of the store in literally 45 seconds.

Now I realize that I can't deal with this woman ever again. Whenever I go into that particular 7-11 and she's at the register, someone must be at the other register so that I can stand in line and wait for that other sales associate. If the another associate isn't at the other register, then they have to be in the store so that I can proactively let them know that she'll need his/her help while handling my transaction. In fact, I was in there this morning. I brought up a 16oz. soda, a 16oz. bottled water and a small bag of chips. She handled the transaction and the total was $4.76. A little high I thought so I asked for the receipt. I received the blank stare again so I repeated "receipt?" with a hand motion indicating a piece of paper with writing. Blank stare then 5 or so minutes of staring at the register screen and pushing buttons as if something magical will happen. Her coworker comes to the rescue, prints the receipt and hands it to me. Before he walks away, I tell him that my total is wrong. I brought three items to the register and was charged for four. In her direction, the coworker points to my three items and points to the 4 items on the receipt. She smiles as though she understood her error so maybe there's progress.

Now let me ask... since she doesn't speak any English, how on earth was she hired? As I'm typing, I'm remembering that the store manager is also an Asian woman. Therefore, I can imagine that they spoke their native language during the interview and it's likely that the store manager didn't ask if she spoke any English (or maybe she doesn't care). The woman does not suffer from any form of mental retardation. She's not "slow". When I see her performing other tasks in the store (cleaning, stocking, managing food, etc), her actions are quick and deliberate. Therefore, I can tell that she has intelligence (yes, in my opinion, it takes intelligence to perform these tasks). So it's apparent that she simply DOES NOT KNOW ONE WORD OF ENGLISH.

Let me bring this rant to a close with the following. Not only do I not mind, but I like people from other nations living and working in the good ol' US of A. But you simply must speak SOME ENGLISH. Period. None of the workers in this 7-11 don't speak English clearly. I don't mind. Many times, I have to repeat something I've said 3 or 4 times before it's understood. I don't care. The ethnicities of the workers in this 7-11 include Indians, Mexicans, Ethiopians, Latinos and Asians. I repeat, none of them speak perfect English. I love them all. They're all fascinating if you engage them in conversation (even small talk). I don't mind struggling to understand some of the words they're speaking because they have something to say and it's something I want to hear. But how in the world could can I be expected to communicate with someone who doesn't speak a word of my native language in my country? Speak some English. A little will do. Doesn't have to be much. Learn one sentence a month. And he's another suggestion. If you're here and don't know the language, the first sentence you should learn is "I'm sorry but I don't know much English". Boom, that lowers any raising temperatures in me.

TIDBIT

Here's a petty thing that I let blow up in my mind to become mountainous...

I love people. I'm a people person. But don't test those limits. I bring a pair of sunglasses to a cash register so that I can make the purchase. The cashier is friendly enough. We start a small conversation (no one was behind me). She looks at my sunglasses and says something along the lines of "Wow, these are really nice. I think they'll look great on you". Everything is all well and fine but here's where she went wrong. SHE TRIED THEM ON. That's a no no as far as I'm concerned. There will be no trying on of the customer's purchases. Now mind you, sunglasses aren't clothes (it's more like an accessory). However, DO NOT TRY ON MY ACCESSORIES AT THE REGISTER. Do not try my hat. Do not try my gloves. Do not try my wrist watch. Do not try my jacket. Do not try my ties. Don't even put my hankerchiefs in your pocket to see how it looks. Luckily, it turned out that the sunglasses didn't have a barcode so I went back to the rack and got another pair.

CLOTHING IN A BUSINESS ENVIRONMENT

Let's talk about clothing in specifically in the business environment.

Let's start with flip flops. Ladies, there are some places that call for an actual shoe (sole, heel, toes covered, etc). Unless you're a life guard at a beach or pool, I can't think of another place of business where flip flops should be worn. If you're out on farm picking oranges, wear flip flops all you want but you certainly take the risk of snake bites. The sound they make is their biggest irritant. That "pap pap pap" sound they make against the heel of the wearer is extremely distracting in a business environment and they look terrible in my opinion. At the risk of plagiarizing a couple of news articles I read recently, it's as though someone "almost" got dressed before leaving home. This is especially true when paired with traditional business attire. I don't care how fancy the flip flop appears. They can be made by DKNY for all I care. It's still a nasty foot exposing, loud flip flop. I'll allow (oh yes, I did say "allow"!) them to be worn in a small office if your co-workers don't mind. But if the office has more than 3 people, I can't allow them to be worn. Also, I've encountered several females who think people want to see their feet. Newsflash, I don't like feet. I don't care how well they're pedicured. They're feet. You don't do anything with them besides walk so why would do you consider them to be so special? I've had female coworkers bring up the subject of their feet for no apparent reason other than to make an opportunity for them to be seen. Example...

Me: "Hey, we're ordering lunch from the Thai place down the street. Do you want anything?"
Female Coworker: "No thanks. I brought my lunch".
Me: "Ok".
FC: "I like Thai though". (before I can leave she says...) "I really think I need a pedicure" and then she takes a foot out of its shoe and wiggles her toes. I refuse to look but I can tell what's happening through peripheral vision.
Me: (Blank stare directly at her face) "So?"

I must be an island to myself because in my current place of employment, flip flops are being worn as if that's THE required foot apparel. It's annoying and with some of these ladies, it's quite disgusting. As an aside, a former buddy of mine once told me that he was on a first date with a female who said to him verbatim "see my cute feet?". If I'm not mistaken, his reply was "naw dawg, that's aight".

Now let's talk about clothing above the foot. 99.98912% of men in their place of employment wear shoes, socks, pants, usually long sleeve shirts if not jackets and ties. If a tie isn't required, then the shirt is buttoned up to the second button from the top and underneath is usually a t-shirt. So what skin do you see on a male at work? If he's wearing a short sleeve shirt, you see his forearms. Other than that, you see his hands and his face. What about females? I see tank tops, skirts (below and above the knee), spaghetti straps (what?), tube tops (excuse me?) and those gawd-awful flip flops and open toed shoes. If I owned my own business, my blanket policy would be you cover up as much skin as possible. I don't want to see arms above the elbows, shoulders, cleavage, ankles, legs, thighs nor feet. With hard bottomed shoes being the exception, I hate noisy clothes. The flip flop "pap pap"? Don't test me. The "schwish schwish" of bell bottom jeans? Don't get yourself hurt. If your shirt is making a "whoosh whoosh" sound under the arms, loose some weight.

Clothes that are too tight on either gender is unacceptable but this is especially true for men. Gentlemen, those polo shirts you've had since college graduation? Guess what, you can't fit them any longer. Notice I didn't say "THEY don't fit YOU any longer". The reason? It's not the shirt's fault that you've gotten bigger. People aren't fools. Those aren't muscles bulging under the shirts. You don't look sexy. You look stupid. Those dress shirts whose collars are now 1/2 to 1 size to small causing all of the blood in your body to be trapped in your head? They can now be used to dust your furniture. I don't have a problem with you being fat but for goodness sakes, wear clothes that fit properly. Come of the river known as "denial". Those pants where the legs no longer extend past the ankle (a.k.a. highwaters)? They are to be tossed. Don't even give them to charity. Gentlemen, choose your color (and I emphasize YOUR color) wisely. If you look sickly in yellow, that's a color you can't wear. If you look like a strawberry dipped marshmellow in pink, that's a color you can't wear. Stick with neutral colors. If your sweaters are full of fuzz balls, have them defuzzed or they are to be tossed. And stop wearing those sweaters with 1000 colors and designs. Those aren't something that all men can wear. This isn't the '80s and you aren't Bill Cosby.

***special thanks to Tommy for coming up with this! Hilarious! Vent on!! I LOVE it!***

4:59pm on a Friday afternoon

Useless character(UC): Hi. I was having problems with my timesheet entry
Payroll Admin(PA): (ahhh Shit! NOT at 4:59pm!On a friday? Hot damn some people are soo inconsiderate!) Oh yeah? Whats's the problem?
UC: Everytime I enter it into the system it's paying me at the wrong pay rate. I had a similar problem a few weeks ago and you forwarded me to nameless lady at corporate. Could you please hold for a moment?
PA: Sure...(by now it's already 5:02pm..such nerve!)
*4 minutes later*
UC: Thank you for holding. It's a busy Friday night. (oh so this fool knows what day it is). Anyway, now when I enter the time into the system it's paying me at $125/hr but I'm trying to input it for $900. I know I'm doing something wrong. Puttin in the wrong code or something
PA: ok. What code are you puttin into the system?
UC: I don't know.
PA: I'm looking at your last two checks and it looks like you were paid at $125 rate but I would need the code info from you to figure out what you are doing wrong
UC: Well see, I'm not near a computer right now. So I can't tell what option I pick out.
PA: Ok. Thats the only way I can tell. Also, since you are entering the wrong code, in order for me to pay the right rate, you'd have to call nameless lady at corporate to fix it in the system. She's the only one who can go in the system and switch it around.
UC: (laughing sheepishly) Yes. You had told me the same thing when this happened a few wks ago. I guess I shouldda just called her before calling you at this time on a Friday huh?
PA: hahaha. No. Thats quite alright. Let me know if there is anything else I can assist you with.
UC: Thank you. Have a good weekend
PA:(UGH! Die slowly!) U huh. thank you. You too. Bye

5:12pm!
Goodness gracious I need some alcohol!!!

Text msg from a higher power

It has recently come to my knowledge that everyone(most of) I work for/ with thinks that god sends me a text msg to tell me EVERYTHING!

Crazy Buffoon(CB): PA, oblivious contractor has worked for the past two weeks and he hasn’t been paid. Why haven’t you paid him? ( because I’m the kind of evil bastard who just likes to not pay some people from time to time. It’s just how I do things! What do you think?)
PA(Trying to figure out who oblivious contractor is..): Who?
CB: OBLIVIOUS CONTRACTOR!
PA: Where does he work?
CB: Nowhere important!
PA: What’s his position?
CB: Seats on his ass and makes over a hundred gees(getting increasingly irritated by my questions. But I have to ask)
PA: I haven’t received any sort of correspondence from him be it timecards or expense reports.
CB: WHY NOT? (Because I told him I would kick his ass if he contacted me in anyway! Ask him! I don’t know! Shouldn’t he be the concerned fool calling me because he’s been working for us and hasn’t received a paycheck since his start date? )
PA: *silence*
CB: Have you called him?
PA: (well considering 5 seconds ago I didn’t even know who he was…) No. But I will in a few minutes.
CB: Make that as soon as you get off this call and let me know what he says
PA: Sure.

5 minutes, a v-mail and email sent later

PA: I just left him a v-mail and followed up with an email so hopefully he will respond by Monday.
CB: You should get him paid as soon as possible. (NO SHIT!)
PA: Yes. As soon as he sends me an approved timecard, I’ll pay him.
CB: Make sure of that
PA: (Thinking of different ways of saying I HEARD YOU! Without being rude). Sure.

Apparently I forgot to read the text msg that god sent me telling me that oblivious contractor is an employee at my branch, started working 2 wks ago, is too lazy to send me his timecards and get paid like everybody else so I have to chase him around so I can give him his money. Forgive me father for I have sinned! UGHHHHHHHHH!

paper cut of the week

For the past three weeks all my contractors pay stabs have had a notice that says

“Due to Holiday week, direct deposit will be delayed. Please be sure to turn in your timecards by Friday May 26th for timely payment.”

Off course the language used is not easy enough for some of the most simple minded people I have to deal with.

Stupid Contractor (CS) calls on Tuesday: Hi, I just wanted to verify that you got my timecard on Friday and that my $$ will be in my account tomorrow
Payroll Admin (PA..aka Me) : I’m sorry CS but the last three pay stabs have informed you that since Monday was a national holiday, you direct deposit will be running late this week
CS: (raising her voice and getting nasty) Yeah but I faxed my timecard on Friday so I assumed that you would process it on Friday and pay me on time!!
PA: well, **** unless you work Saturday and Sunday, you are supposed to send me your timecard on Fridays. Payroll is processed on Mondays. Since Yesterday was a public holiday, the banks were closed so we couldn’t process payroll anyway.
CS: (louder) NAH AH! That’s not good enough! I need to have that $$ in my account tomorrow. A gat checks rolling in I can’t have non-o-that. You need to get this fixed I faxed in my timecard on Friday so I should have been paid by Sunday.
PA: Actually. That’s not how it works. Your pay stubs clearly stated that you check will be late so…
CS: (cuts me short) NO! I need that $$ in my account tomorrow. Something needs to be done!
PA: (calm and short) Miss ______ I’m sorry there is nothing that I can do for you at this point. If you would like to contact the corporate office or my boss to confirm this info I would be more than happy to provide their phone numbers.

*hangs up on me*

Good gosh some people are just so exasperating! I don’t understand it. Every week someone finds a new way of being the paper-cut in my life.

Overly defensive fuckers!

People who get overly defensive over the wrong things annoy me. Example: someone says something about the way UMD men dress (neither positive nor negative. just a simple statement) and this is what follows
IM (Idiot Man): Would you rather wear our pants on our knees like rappers or would you rather we wear our pants so tight like 'white boys'?
Me: Idiot man why are you so defensive. What Kelly was saying was neither positive nor negative. Why do you always act like you have a poker up your butt?
IM: Why do you always have to bring up the gay sh*t? Anyway, I'd rather have a poker up my a$$ than a d*** any day!

WHAT THA CRAP?

First of all, being defensive about the way you dress when no ones attacking you...WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second, 'poker up your butt' is a figure of speech. Taking it literally....WRONG!!!!!!!
Lastly, for any straight man, there is no such thing as rather have this or that up their you-know-whats! It's just not an option! So telling me your preference and invertedly exposing your sexual preference...........WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGHHH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ode to my money maker

Oh hail thee queen of Sheba
You selfish,nausea inducing sycophantic freak.
Even when you kiss my ass I know you’re not being true
Hail thee Morticia Adams.
You ravenous female dog
You think you’re exciting but I say you’re mind-numbing
For all the hell you are putting me through
Hail to the mother of all evil,
The daughter of Sodom and Gomorrah
The reason behind my anger.
Hail you who encompasses malevolence
The principle of the underworld
The director of scum.
For all the obscenities I can’t spew your way
For all the wasteful tasks I’ve had to complete,
For your incompetent, ineffectual hogwash

Oh hail thee Queen of Sheba!

Seventy Five?

It was 4:24pm (I get off work at 4:30pm) and I was about to mail out something when I realized that I was out of overnight envelops. BUMMER! I don’t even know where they come from. So I call my courier company’s customer service and this is the conversation I had:

CSA (Customer Service Agent): Thank you for calling ______. How may I help you?
Me: Hi. My account # is _____ and I was wondering if this is the correct number to call to order more supplies. I’ve run out envelops and would like to have more mailed out to me.
CSA: Ok. No problem. You want “Express Envelops”
Me: Yes
CSA: How many?
Me: How many are in a pack?
CSA: 25
ME: ok. I want 3 packs please
CSA: That would be 75 envelops.
Me: (Thanks for the unnecessary display of your math skills) Yes. 75 envelops.
CSA: Ok. I’m putting in your order for 75 (Stresses the 75 as though I said 7500) envelops
Me: Yes. (It’s not like you are sending them to my home for personal use. You’re sending them to a company. 75 aren’t that many! In fact I should be ordering more!!!!!)
CSA: Anything else?
Me: Yes. I’d also like to order some mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. Sure. How many?
Me: (Let see Miss I-Know-All-About-Math I’m ordering 75 envelops, take a lucky guess how many labels I would want) how many are in a pack?
CSA: They come in bulk. Each pack has about 1500 mailing labels so if you want less than that you’ll have to give me a number like say 5 or 10.
Me: (Why would I order 10 when I have 75 envelops coming my way?) Ok. Please send me 75 labels.
CSA: 75?(sounding confused)
Me: (By now I’m so frustrated by this lady! And it’s 4:34pm) yes. Ma’am. 75 mailing labels.
CSA: Ok. I’ve put in your order for 75 envelops and 75 mailing labels. Is there anything else?
Me: No thanks. Thank you. Good bye!!!!

@ 4:37pm. Something tells me that this conversation shouldn’t have taken 13minutes! Why are some people so slow? WHYYYYYY????????????

More like Joseph Iscariort!

He was 6"5, buff(about 230lbs) and flaming gay!(In my opinion)...a co-worker who had called me on a random Friday night wanting to "hang out". Since I wasn't doing much, I decided to go over to his place and meet his mum who was visiting from West Africa and he wanted her to meet some of his friends(me included). I drive over to his place and he's all dressed up(shirt and slacks) while Im wearing jeans and sneakers. I say a quick hallo to his mum who is standing in the driveway while he starts walking towards my car. He gets in and tells me to drive.

Me: Where are we going Mark: Don't worry. Just drive. You’ll see Me: Ok. Small talk for a little bit Mark: So do you read the bible? Me: HAHAHA! What? (I thought he was trying to be funny)Mark: Yeah. Do you read the bible? Are you religious? Me: No Not really but I do have a bible in my glove compartment that my brother put in my car Mark: Oh great. Let me get it. This was followed by about 2hrs of the man preaching to me about being religious and more importantly becoming a 7th day Adventist because all other religious (Christian or otherwise) are wrong. I was confused by what his intentions were and I hoped he would stop and be normal again but he kept going on and on while I’m contemplating suicide…maybe first degree murder..either way it seemed as though one of us needed to go.
I thought it was hilarious that all this was coming from a male model…and when I asked him how being a male model fits into his religion he says “I see myself as a modern day Joseph. Joseph was good looking and well-toned and a lot of the women in his town wanted him but he didn’t fall into temptation. He instead married a virgin.”...WHAT THA CRAP? I felt like I was in the twilight zone. He was totally normal at work and then BAM! Then he started telling me how he only dates people from his religion and how I should consider converting and that’s when I realized that I was on a date!The realization that I was on a date made that fateful Friday evening so much worse than it already was.

A new kind of asshole.

I got a call from our corporate offices letting me know that one of our customers had been paying us for an employee’s hour but we haven’t been paying the employee. I looked in his folder and didn’t find any timecards. Next step according to standard protocol would be to contact the employee to verify that he did indeed work. Which he did. Where are his timecards? His manager has them. So I leave a voicemail for him manager asking for the timecard and he calls me back all irate asking me why I don’t have the timecards!
WTF? I’m confused wondering why this irritating man is shouting at me and what the crap I’m supposed to say to him. I mean how do you answer that question and not spew out all sorts of expletives at him and his mother (for bringing this evil bastard to the planet). Anyway he goes off on a tirade about how he doesn’t understand why my company doesn’t have a better system so that this problem would have been caught a few weeks ago…well the only way I know someone didn’t get paid is when they call me and tell me that they didn’t get paid and apparently this contractor makes so much money he didn't realise that he hasnt gotten paid in 3wks!!!so this man is out of his mind. I tried suggesting a fix for future problems where I would email him every Monday and I confirm that I’ve received the timecards and his response was that he has 5 contractors who have 5 different systems and the last thing he needs is for me to make his job harder by adding another step to his work….

I cant believe this fool. He was just a classic case. I have never spoken to anyone who irritated me that much….UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Just when you think that you have witnessed every form of human decay this planet has to offer, you get a wake up call and it's a slap from the gate keeper of hedes saying "MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHA"

People suck!

Atkins is the new pink

for me at least.

For the past month I've been working out about 4 to 6 times a week and semi-dieting but haven't been able to loose any weight. Initially my plan was to loose 7lbs by May 26th but it looks like my dream is dwindling into thin air so I did what every desparate girl in need does.

I'm going on ATKINS. Yes...High protein, no carb diet. I tried the whole high protein low carb thing and that didn't work very well. Today is my first day and I just ate two cheeseburgers....I can eat as many chicken wings as I want, I can pig out on cheese and still be within the limits of my diet..eggs...aahhhh all the yum yums of this world! I LOVE IT!

I'm doing it for 2wks because I'm desparate to loose the 7lbs and look SMOKING . I want my hott body to say..EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT FUCKERS! I'M BACK AND I'M SMoKING HOTT.DEAL WITH IT! That's my ammunition. Now lets see how this goes...

Small talk

Why do we do it? Why do we bother? Who is the super genius who thought of this as a way to fill in moments of silence between strangers. Whatever happened to strangers remaining strangers? Why do I have to make small talk in some of the most awkward situations? If you step on my foot why can’t you say “sorry” and move on while I wince and curse under my breathe? Why is it that women like to talk to each other in the bathrooms? Why can’t we have the “eyes forward, mind your own business” rule that men have? Why do I have to talk to the guy behind me in line at the grocery store? What’s so wrong with getting my food and walking out of SAFEWAY without speaking to anyone who doesn’t work there?

WHAT MOTHER-IDIOT INVENTED SMALL TALK?

Adam and Eve- History lesson

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and moremuscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and will help to populate the Earth." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. But, you can only have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Camille Paglia

“Lesbianism is increasing since anxious, unmasculine men have little to offer”…. Camille Paglia couldn’t have said it better even if she tried to. This is one of the only things that she and I agree on.

Camille Paglia seems as though she opposes anyone who isn’t in the art world by applauding teachers that teach students who “are not going to be big shot executives”. She sounds really bitter and comes of an angry-butch-extremist. She is constantly berating the feminist movement yet she doesn’t provide superior alternatives. She calls herself a feminist yet I haven’t read anything that she says to support women.

She says that she is against people such a Rosie O’Donnell who have subjected their children to the “glare of the spotlight” to make a political point and that’s why she kept the birth of Lucien (her son) out of the public eye, then she says that “now that I’m back in public after five years of writing this book (her current book titled Burn,…) it’s perfectly legitimate information”. How? Why is it ok when she does it and not ok when Rosie O’Donnell does it?

According to her, top universities are so bent out of shape on letting it be known that they are for affirmative action that they use it as a marketing tool. She walked a thin line when she said that “by supporting affirmative action, there has been a slow decline in respect for genuine scholarship”…I’m not even going to go into that.

Jim Multen was right when he said “with feminists like this, who needs men?”

I’m hoping that by attending her lecture tomorrow, I will be able to change my opinion of her because at this point, I’m not necessarily impressed.

I hate the makers of the iPod

It's a money sucking machine that doesn't quit...Have you ever heard of $49 headphones? Because if you buy anything that doesn't look like the iPod it looks tacky but if you were to opt for the real deal then you're screwed out of $50 that you couldda spent on more important things such as donating to the poor(or something....). UGH! and to think that the $50 headset breaks down after 6 months makes me want to bitch slap everyone at the apple store.

I had a sony discman for years and not once did the $9 headset break. Infact, the only reason I changed it was because I needed to update to a later model. and it only cost $9!!


Hate them!!!!!!!!!!!!

Senile Bandit

Did ya hear about the 76yr old man who went door to door pretending to be a Dr. and offering free breast exams to women??

HAHAH LOL!

That's my kinda man! :)

Murphy's law..........

Why? Oh Why? Do you love me so?

WHY?

Pretentious fools!

Maybe I should polish up on my knowledge of Merlot and Cavier and how to swirl my tongue when tasting wine, how to figure out what kind of legs a brand of wine has and all that classy stuff that my african ass doesn't know.

UGH! Pain. My armpit muscles hurt. Can you believe this shit? Yes..Armpit muscles. Who wouldda thought there was a muscle there? It's a total mind f*ck of a pain.

I'm antsy but it'll pass, I'm annoyed but it'll pass and I'm busy with work but even that will pass.

Schizophrenic or Multi-faceted

which am I? I can't tell.

Muscles I didn't even know I had

In my latest workout craze I took an Abs class on Friday and a kickboxing class on Saturday so I was in lots of pain this morning. Since I was going to work, I decided to pass by the gym and take part in the rep reebok class. This is a class that is defined as:

"Rep Reebok® is the newest development from the fitness specialists at Reebok University. A high intensity muscle strengthening and toning class. Routines are choreographed and changed every 3 months. Body bars, weights and tubing are utilized in this class. "

I don't know what about that defination told me that it would just be "a lot of stretching" (which i so desparately needed) but surely enough, I woke up in time to make it to class and that was the end of my life as I know it. I'm in soo much more pain that I was in yestarday and I don't know what to do..It hurts..All of it..It hurts..PAIN!

"and I said, knowing you is loving you"

"WHAT?" That was my first reaction but instead I just smiled, blushed and changed the subject. Here's how it started:

I met him at Cosi, looking all cute(after changing about 7times..) and happy to see him after a LONG week apart. While discussing his trip to the west, he mentioned that his friends wife was giving him a hard time about me. This is how the conversation went:

Aye: Jade was giving me a hard time about you
Me: Yeah? What was she saying?
Aye: She just wanted to know who you are and stuff like that..
Me: and you said?
Aye: I said knowing you is loving you.

My first reaction was to ask him: So do you know me?

But since I'm not ready for the consequences of that conversation, I just smiled, blushed and our conversation shifted in another direction.

I don't want to over-think it. but it's run through my mind one or two times in the past two days. Wondering what he meant and should I take notice of it or should I ignore it as just another 'fart-in-the-wind'...

Hmmmm....

Last thoughts on 2005

It's really depressing to realise that yet another year has gone by and I have done absolutely nothing that I can show and be proud of...
2005 was a crazy year in my books and I hate a lot of things about the year..a lot of ups and downs and ups again offcourse followed by downs..it was craziness...
but whatever dude! it's coming to an end in 6hrs and all I can say is FUCK IT!
it's over..let 2006 beggining..the year of joblessness, brokeness and lots of nothing..just like 2005..only difference is in 2006 I can legally drink my problems away...aint that just THE biggest thing a person whould should be proud of.....
whatever...everything sux.
LATER

FURYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

my replacement only has 17,21654503216846516548465 questions for me and it's a series of repetitions then she'll question my answers...which I hate..like for example she asks me a question about some account and I wasn't working that account. It had been passed off to someone in my team to reduce my work load and so I tell her to contact Rachael*(the lady in my team who handled the account and would understand better) she shoots me back an email and tells me that looking at her "account rep sheet" (that I made for her by the way) it shows that she should contact Sam*....WHAT THA FUCK???? If you're soo damned smart why did you ask me in the first place? and plus that was a basic question about the account..Sam is the Rep on the account but he has nothing to do with Accounts Receivable...WHAT THA FUCK??? WHY do I have to say this? WHy do I have to have this stupid conversation? WHY? I mean if you're going to question my answers then why don't you just do it wrong and get corrected a long the way?? FUCKIN SHIT!

and she does this all tha freaking time...like she'll ask me about some customer and I'll tell her this is how you do it..contact e.g Ned* and he'll let you know...then she looks through the account and sees different names so since Ned hasn't responded to the email she sent 15minutes ago, she decides to call Bob and ask Bob...well Rob has nothing to do with the function..he's name is on the account but he's just a company guy on site..knows nothing about AR(accounts receivable) and he sends an email to his boss wondering what tha crap the woman is talking about..then his boss shoots an email to my boss, Ms. annoyings boss and me asking what tha crap is going on..then my boss says shoots me an email "Slave girl, please assist Ms. Annoying"...so then I have to reply all on Bobs email and tell him that it will be taken care of...and then reply separately to my boss's email and tell her that I'll help Ms. Annoying..then email Ms. Annoying a and tell her Ned is the only person who would know the answer..only to get an email back that 'since he wasn't responding, I thought I'd look around see if someone else has an answer!!!!!!!!!!" I MEAN WHAT THA FUCK YOU OVER-EFFICIENT BIATCH!!! it's not helping..you're not helping!!!!.

All that run around could have been avoided because A. maybe Ned is at lunch? or B. Maybe Ned has the day off, C. Maybe Ted is doing some research and will reply to your email shortly...GOODD LORD WHAT THA CRAP DO YOU WANT FROM ME? THIS IS REALLY TESTING MY PATIENCE... I understand that she would have questions..thats normal..but I don't appreciate her second guessing my answers and creating a raukus all over the place and inadvertedly increasing my work load! CRAPIOLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

*employee names have been changed..DUH

THE NEW PMS

Well well well....... isn't life peachy.. NOT!!
Kinfo my man, I think I have given a new meaning to the word PMS. I mean who thought a person could get this agitiated over nothing. I mean seeing certain people in the hallway pisses me off, I almost wanted to punch a woman I saw today cus she irritates me. Then there is my new official title"Office Errand Boy" I mean what the hell....... I AM SOOOOO IRRITATED........

And you know what irritates me... I just saw on MSN.COM Entertainment section ofcoarse an article about how Kate Moss is bouncing back and is turning her downfall into a new beginning. HELLO people we all saw her litterally snort a truckload of cocaine... she goes to rehab for less than a month, and now ofcoarse she is all cured. I mean why would we think anything else. I mean it takes people years and even lifetimes to kick the whole coke habit, but I mean why would it take Kate Moss more than a month, I mean she is a super model, and they didn't put the word Super in there for nothing!

Sooo pretty much I am already feeling better now that I have bitched.. but really why do I have such a yuck look on life, I want to think life is beautiful.. I have decided I am turnign it around, I am going to live for today, and try to see the beauty in things.. what do you say Kinfo.... a new attitude?? let me know cus you know I can't make a decision without the other half of my brain!!!

Stupid things women do!

Still HATE people! In the spirit of being indiscriminate, here are somethings I found on women and their intense stupidity:

What STUPID things do bitches/girls do?! First of all, is this blog capable of posting infinite amounts of information?! Probably not, so I suppose that I must whittle down that infinite list of female idiocies to a select few that I feel the entire female population needs to become aware of.

1. When a gal refuses to give up her phone number after a guy has asked for it before, she will complain to her girlfriends that no one hits on her while she secretly wishes that he just tried a little harder and made her feel wanted. What? You're going to say you don't like feeling wanted? Uh huh...

2. Boneheads’/Girls’ complete obsession about the existence of LEAGUES. Telling a guy, “She’s out of your league” is like waving a red flag in a bull's face. Halfwits/girls need to (1) chill out, (2) get off your high horse, (3) and realize your probably not in the league you think you are. Teach this lesson to every numskull/girl you know so that I never have to witness another pack of girls whining about how there are no good guys in this bar/club. You're right, there are leagues; you probably don't know which one you have a membership to though.

3. When blonds/girls complain about cliché pick-up lines. When was the last guy you approached a guy out of the blue? That long ago? That's what I thought. Sac up or move on...

5. When dullards/girls think it’s okay for them to roam around in baggy pajama bottoms they got for free that say things like “Abercrombie” (I don’t care where your friends shop for you're birthday) and poorly fitting, ripped t-shirts. Why do girls think it’s acceptable for them to wander around looking like they just rolled out of bed? (Want to know the difference between American girls and European girls? Ask a Roman gal how many days her spends walking around Rome in her pajama bottoms, ripped t-shirt and sandals.) it's like, "uh, I'm so naturally hot that I don't have to give a damn about what I wear to look good. Nevermind that I mysteriously have lipstick, eyeliner, and my hair well-brushed."

6. When ditzs/girls grab on the door handle for every curve, turn, unexpected movement. Yeah, your shrieking really helps me focus. No really, it does.

7. When dolts/girls say that they have a healthy appetite and proceed to order a full meal to only eat 1/6th of each dish. Thanks bitch, I just paid for that. IT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE THE SAME METABOLISMS AS US, so stop trying to prove otherwise to us. In real life, if you are just going to eat the side salad that comes with the meal, just order that rather than order a great steak your are going to waste. If you tell us you are going to eat it all, you're LYING. If you eat it in front of us, you're going to wish you didn't for the next 6 hours.

Office pranks

Here's a some interesting pranks I found when I googled, office humour. British people fucking rock! When you read them, read them with people who annoy you in mind. Makes it even more interesting.

Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.

Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

Men are idiots!

It's the week of my birthday and I couldn't be happier but I still HATE men!

What STUPID things do cretins/guys do?! First of all, is this blog capable of posting infinite amounts of information?! Probably not, so I suppose that I must whittle down that infinite list of male idiocies to a select few that I feel the entire male population needs to become aware of.

1. When a moron/guy refuses to give up after a girl has said, “No” to his request for her phone number!! What is he thinking?! Obviously, NOTHING because it would require less than 1 second of thought for an imbecile/guy to realize that if he has to COERCE a phone number out of a girl, then he has NO CHANCE of getting what he wants from her (no need for the filthy specifics on this one).

2. Boneheads’/Guys’ complete ignorance about the existence of LEAGUES. Telling a guy, “She’s out of your league” is like whispering behind a deaf person’s back. Halfwits/guys need to (1) learn to identify girls who are too pretty and/or intelligent and/or cool for them, (2) learn to accept the fact that these girls will NEVER go for them, and (3) stop staring at them and/or following them around. Teach this lesson to every numskull/guy you know so that I never have to witness another bulging balding man in a loud, silk shirt with a foreign accent and hairy arms go up to another hot girl again.

3. When blockheads/guys use cliché pick-up lines to hit on a girl. Unless a guy is as fine as Josh Duhamel (http://www.nbc.com/Las_Vegas/bios/Josh_Duhamel.html is proof that you ARE NOT), where it doesn’t matter what comes out of his luscious lips, he needs to drop the cheesy lines and be himself.

4. When dunces/guys DON’T use cliché pick-up lines to hit on a girl, but the guys aren’t funny or hot. They will get nowhere. Yes, it’s harsh. But stop whining and go make some money so that you can at least pick up a gold-digger who doesn’t care how ugly and boring you are.

5. When dullards/guys think it’s okay for them to roam around in baggy t-shirts they got for free that say things like “Race for the Cure 2002” (I don’t care if you support breast cancer causes) and poorly fitting ankle-biting jeans. Why do guys think it’s acceptable for them to wander around looking like bums? (once again, the Josh Duhamel exception applies b/c girls are too busy imagining such hotties naked to notice their clothes anyways)

6. When oafs/guys drive dangerously quickly/recklessly to show off to a girl. Yeah, after you make us piss our pants from fear we just want to scream out, “God that was hot! Pull over so we can make out!”

7. When dolts/guys say that they hate it when a girl doesn’t have a healthy appetite and yet proceed to ignore girls with a healthy weight because they prefer fit, thin girls. IT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT WE DO NOT HAVE THE SAME METABOLISMS AS YOU DO, so stop expecting the impossible. In real life, those fit, thin girls who you like DON’T EAT ANYTHING. If they tell you they do, they’re LYING. If they eat in front of you, they’re going to skip the next 10 meals and work out for 6 hours. GUYS: wake up and smell the anorexia, damnit!!!

Stupid MEN!

Still in the spirit of loathing the existence of men! Here are more reasons why they suck!

Guys who don't talk to their girlfriends because they are incapable of emotional expression. Yes, I partially blame society for reinforcing the inability to relate emotionally to women, but come on, guys--grow up and TELL THEM WHAT YOU RE FEELING INSTEAD OF SULKING AWAY. PS--There are other "feelings" besides an erection.

Guys who complain they don't have a girlfriend and do nothing about it. Also, isn't it kind of weird that they just want "a girlfriend" and not someone in particular?

The fact that if a guy says he's from Stanford, it's generally a positive thing for picking up a girl. But if a girl says the same thing, guys are totally and automatically turned off.

Why does every freaking guy think that when girls get together we prance around in our undies and have pillow fights with our boobs flying all over the place? Sorry to break it to you boys but we have better things to do than grab our balls, wait, boobs. Sad day, tear. NOT.

I hate it when guys talk badly about girls to their male friends and then turn around to the girl and coo her with endearing crap. TELL IT TO HER FACE ASSHOLE. Now who's the bitch? TOOL.

Last thing: Girls DO NOT think about sex nearly as much as guys do. I haven't thought about sex in um, THREE MONTHS. That's right, bitches. Moral of this story: we have different agendas and I definitely don't care about yours, which means, I DO NOT FIND YOU HOT SO STOP THINKING THAT I WANT YOU. Who has the audacity to say: I know you want to have sex with me? WRONG. YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK. Get out of my fucking way.

Guys who say they aren't picky. Try to set them up with someone, and they will come up with any reason to not date them (like, "i don't like girls with bangs"). What it usually means is that the guy isn't that picky when it comes to hooking up. But if it actually involves getting to know the girl before hand, or being seen in public with her, she had better be unimagineably hot and with the perfect personality. MORONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!Good luck finding perfection!

Guys who pretend to be gentlemen, to the extent that when you get to a door first, and try to go through it like any normal person, they SHOVE you out of the way so that they can hold it and push you through!! Then they bow their heads humbly to show you that they are more well mannered than you. GAAAA!

Reasons why men suck!

I got these from a different site! but I agree with all of them!

When a guy says some girl is hot and everyone else says she is a bitch and he says it doesn’t matter, she's HOT as though that makes up for it.

When you are at a bar/ club/watching Lindsey Lohan and a woman clearly has fake breasts but she is hot. Men will use all their force to try to convince you and namely themselves that her boobs are in fact real, as though having real boobs will actually give them a chance with this girl. “No man, they’re real!! They have to be real!” Take it from those of use who have the damn things, they are fake! God did not make women’s bodies to look like that, extreme makeover did. So yes, Lindsey Lohan’s boobs are fake, yes Britney’s boobs are fake, yes Xtina’s boobs are fake, and there is a 99% chance that if her boobs are big, well shaped and she is super thin then they are fake. And yes, people our age do have fake boobs, so just stop using that as one of your rationalizations.

When you are talking to a man regarding their ex and they say something like “but she broke up with ME” as though this minor detail somehow erases them of any responsibility for things that went wrong in a relationship. Maybe she broke up with you because you sucked as a boyfriend!

When men are attracted to women not because of who they are but because of how much they fit into the stereotype of what women should be (boring, needy, whiny, bitchy, naggy). And then they spend hours talking about how women are boring, needy, whiny, bitchy, naggy. Maybe if you didn’t date these awful women and actually were attracted to people based on liking them as opposed to how much they remind you of your mother you would not think that women suck.

Pushing a woman’s head down. DON’T DO THAT!!

When men tell you, “shut up about being single. You could get any guy you wanted.” Now honestly, if I could get any guy I wanted do you think I’d be sitting here alone at this bar talking to you. Also saying that the ugly guy with far too much confidence who just skeezily hit on me counts as a pick up is completely irrational. People who will hit on anything do not count. Also this comment just assumes that any women is just single because she wants to be and if she really wanted a man she should just try a little harder to notice the assholes who are throwing themselves at her. So angry!!! This “you must not be trying hard enough” argument is just like the whole American dream lie. The problem with this idea as well as with the American Dream is that no one actually admits that you can’t really have this “American dream” of getting any man you want. In reality this completely ignores the reality of situational factors.

How men will see a girl and think she is hot even though she is wearing a truly heinous outfit which includes one or more of the following: ugly platform sandals from Cathy Jean circa 1991, bad animal print, you can fill the rest in. Look at the details!! Why can’t men appreciate a well put together outfit!!